Yesterday at 2:30am I told John "I just wanna feel her, but I know that if I do Im gonna have another night/day like this down the road. So should I be ok with her passing tonight? or should I wish it on another evening?" Its not my decision to make and there is so much freedom in that. He knows the day, the hour, the minute and He is allowing us to say our goodbyes today.
I went in the Pregnancy Center this morning. Just me and the boys. The boys played out in the foyer and wandered in when they felt like it but the sweet tech left me alone to explore and stare. Ruby was more active today than yesterday. She is truly keeping us on our toes. I believe I have a strong willed child on my hands. She never wants us to think for one second we got her figured out. Or maybe that's the Lord:)
But her heart was still very faint. At one angle it was hard to tell that it was even pumping. But I got to watch her wiggle and squirm. I would slowly push down with the machine in my stomach and then slowly lighten up just to watch her react. I would take deep breaths in and out to watch her get extra space and then tighten up again. It was so fun! Moments I would never get with a doctor in the room. I even had her at an angle I have never had with her or the boys where I just studied her breathing in and out. To know her lungs are still pumping and practicing. She is still being formed for a world she will never encounter.
I love her more and more every time I see her. But at the same time there is this indescribable contentment with letting the Lord take her when He is ready. I am not angry at Him or bitter (but maybe that'll come later)
John put it in a beautiful perspective for me:
He told me that he and I made Ruby's body. That it took our cells to create the shell of who Ruby is but that the Lord created "RUBY JEAN" the girl, the character, the personality, the spirit, the soul. And because we live in a broken world it makes sense that Ruby's body would be broken. This world is full of sin, brokenness, and sorrow BUT "RUBY JEAN" is perfect! God did not make any mistakes with "RUBY JEAN". So this body may fail her. She may never get the chance to use it to explore this broken world, but the Lord who makes no mistakes will take His RUBY JEAN back to PERFECTION. And that sounds better to me by far!
Thank you all for your prayers, tears, emails, texts, dinners, and love! The Lord truly knows what I need and I need people! I need the fellowship of the body and I am truly grateful that you have answered my prayers. Thank you for not lightening up, or stepping back to give me my time or space. At this point in time, i dont need it! I need family, friends and even strangers! We will keep you all posted as we know more but as for right now we pray God continues to be in EVERY detail as we wait on His perfect plan!