Taken Wednesday October 5th 2011
Last night I went to our Wednesday night bible study at church. I wanted to hear from the Lord and be in fellowship with my FBC ladies. Despite the news we had just received I thought it best to go. Sitting through the video I assumed I would have felt Ruby. I was sitting perfectly still and I usually feel her a lot as I hunch over a bit and cram up her space:)
I thought I felt maybe one or two movements but it didnt feel like much. I was fighting a pretty bad headache coming home so I took my "dessert" to bed with me and laid down. Thought if I got a lil sugar and stillness I would get a few kicks. There was nothing. I was worried but thought to myself "Don't just jump straight to that conclusion, she could be sleeping". I eventually fell asleep praying I would get one or two kicks drifting off.
I woke up at about 2:30am for my usual bathroom excursion and went and laid back down. I thought the jostling and movement might startle her a lil and I'd feel her. Still nothing. I laid there awhile, tossing and turning, hoping something might give my lil one a "would you knock it off out there, I am trying to sleep" nudge. Still nothing. I immediately began to pray, asking the Lord that if Ruby is still well He would please give my heart and spirit a rest and let me feel her just once. nothing. minutes went by and my heart sunk. I began to slowly weep, then cry, then ultimately sob so loud I woke up John.
I told him "I think she's is gone". I felt like there was this sudden void, a vacancy, an empty space where there was once life. I cried "I miss her". I wanted to be wrong, I still do. As I type it has been two hours now since I woke up. I'm still waiting for her to just sock me a couple times to let me know she's ok. John prayed, unsure of how to pray, but he did his best. He just held me as I let it all out. I cried out, "this is gonna be so hard!"
I laid there for about an hour planning in my head what we were gonna do today. Call the pregnancy center, to just run in and double check? Call Dr Cole and get in ASAP? Have a friend take the boys for the day? When will they schedule our hospital stay? Please don't let it be on Jacks B-day. I don't want any of this to be shared with Jacks B-day! What about our trip to Disneyland on the 17th? Will I be able to go?
I finally decided it was best for me to just get up and let John rest. It would not be beneficial for us both to be sleep deprived. So as he rests I will research a lil more, plan as much as I can, get on my knees before the throne, cry a lil and wait for the sun to rise. Please pray for us today. That we would continue to be equipped for what lies ahead in the next fews hours, days, weeks and months. This will be a process.