Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The last few days....


It all kinda started Sunday morning. My friends came over for our Sunday morning book study. My sweet friend brought us all coffee and a whole lot of donuts. We caught up on life, talked about our weeks and discussed what God was teaching us through our individual journeys. I noticed the whole time I sat there that I wasn't feeling Ruby. She tends to get pretty active when I sit and rest and especially active after a lot of sugar and caffeine.
When they left, I felt a little sick and kind of shaky. I chalked it up to the donuts and coffee, but just didn't feel up to going to church, especially when I hadn't felt Ruby. I had John come and get the boys so I could lay down and rest. I put on a sermon from John Piper and laid on the couch. I thought for sure Ruby would do a swift kick or nudge while I laid there, but still felt nothing.
The day went on and into the evening. The evening is when she is most active. That's when I knew something was wrong. I told John that I should probably go into the Pregnancy Center the next morning to just check on her. Questions began to run through my mind ....Do I want her to kick? Will I be disappointed if I feel her? Am I ready to move forward? When we go in tomorrow what do I hope to see? I even started planning the week in my head, where the boys would go, getting the house clean so I wouldn't have to worry about it later, and how this would affect upcoming plans?
We got in at 10am to Life Choices and prepared ourselves for what seemed like the inevitable. But there she was, beating away. As soon as that machine hit my stomach I felt my first kick in 24 hours. She was still going, but her heart didn't seem right. It looked weaker, the shape was a little different than before. They couldn't even get a measurement of her heart that day. It was so erratic and weak. We thought that maybe she reacts more to sound and pressure and that that's what woke her up.
I walked away that day with a deep sigh saying ....."OK, back to life again".
We met up with some friends for lunch and the whole time there was Ruby, kicking away! That little booger. She just does what she wants when she wants! Playing with my emotions and my heart. I went home and laid down and she felt back to her normal self.
But I think we needed that day. I think John and I both needed to evaluate where our hearts were at. Were we ready to let her go? Were we finally ready to take that next step into a new chapter? Were we ready to endure the hardest part of all? Were we ready to move forward instead of standing still? I truly believe we were.
We've been tired. Really tired. Uncertain of how long we would have to carry on waiting, wishing, wondering, planning. We both needed rest.
Monday evening rolled around and I never felt Ruby. It was as if everything stopped again. I was almost annoyed, "If you are pulling something again little lady....I swear..." :)
I got up several times last night and every time I expected her to move or kick, but still nothing. By morning I had John bring me my breakfast so I could lay down, eat, play some music on my tummy and push around like an ultrasound machine. I laid there a while and still felt nothing. I had plans this morning and was unsure if I should go about my day and maybe check on her tomorrow or if I could run in and just make sure everything was OK. I was torn. Part of me didn't want to drag the ladies from Life Choices in (on their off day) just to see a paranoid momma get another swift kick from the sassiest little babe ever, but I knew they understood and would not hesitate to ease my mind. I also knew that if I went in Wednesday morning and she had gone we would both be wondering when it happened? That 24 hours was better than 48.
On the ride there the boys requested their favorite song, Seeds Family Worship "Philippians 4:6-7". This album literally puts scripture to song...so the whole way there we sang
"DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING, BUT IN EVERYTHING, BY PRAYER AND PETITION, WITH THANKSGIVING, PRESENT YOUR REQUESTS TO GOD. AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS"
How very appropriate
This time I had my friend Corinna come in with me since John had been taking off so much time for this stuff.
I got in there and they had the machine on and ready for me so I hopped on, Corinna hadn't showed up yet. As she put the machine on me I just thought "Here we go". There she was, perfectly still. Not a movement, not a kick...not a heartbeat. Her sweet little hand was resting so gently on her face. I had no tears, just peace. I was prepared for this.
I knew that yesterday had prepared me for today and that God needed us to say we were ready. He needed us to be able to confirm in our hearts that we were ready for this season to be over. We were ready to hand her over. He had prepared us.
I immediately called John. He rushed over with tears in his eyes. We watched her a little while longer. We prayed together and then we got up.
The beautiful women at the center prayed over us and shed some tears. They have been such a gift. I told them I was so grateful that we found out in their clinic. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.
The rest of today has consisted of packing, cleaning, phone calls, Doctor appointment, shopping for last minute items for the hospital, game night, wrestle time, and now, "The Wonder Years" and rest.
We go into the hospital tomorrow at 7:30am and we ask for every prayer possible. They say being induced can possibly take several days. We pray that it's quick. They say its possible I may need a D&C to get everything. We pray it goes naturally and perfectly. They say this will be difficult and hard to bear. We pray for beauty, peace, glory and worship!
I don't look forward to tomorrow. I'm a little scared, a little uncertain of my emotions, my strength, and my endurance. But I trust that God has something beautiful in mind. I'm not even sure how I will handle seeing Ruby, if it will just break my heart or mend it. But I know what she has already done to it and I cannot thank her enough for it. I have been renewed these last six months. I am not the same woman I was. My transformation process has accelerated at lightning speed. Don't get me wrong, I am still in serious process but God has done great things through Ruby Jean Harrell and I'm proud to call her my gem, my treasure, my daughter.

11 comments:

  1. I am blessed. My faith is increased which is His god plan! Thank you so much. Jeremiah 29:11
    For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

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  2. We love you guys. Thank you for sharing Ruby's story with so many. We've fallen in love with her too.

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  3. SO so proud of you and so thankful to God for his gentleness and care toward you. It's so hard to be here and not there. Love you guys.

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  4. You will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers as you adjust to life without your sweet little Ruby. I believe she's in good hands! God bless you and your family.

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  5. I love you so much, you have expressed yourself so honestly and clearly. God has/is and will continue to use this life experience, this season, this incredible storm, to build faith in others around you as well as you and John. We so don't expect these things to happen. I have taken having children, having healthy children for granted. The last week has taken some very sad turns for three families and I can only pray that through all this God will be glorified and His kingdom furthered. Not because of fear, but because of hope in a future, one that has light and life, full of grace and peace. Our family has been forever changed because a little girl we have to wait to know. Love to you my treasure, my daughter.

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  6. Thanks for sharing your story and your pain so we could have the privilege of praying for you and your family. I agree with your mom that I have totally taken for granted having healthy children. I'm thankful that God picked you and John as the perfect parents for little Ruby, There is going to be a huge testimony out of this as God continues to work all things for your good...I believe many will be comforted by what He does in and through this heartbreak. Until that time we pray He will continue to carry you through.

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  7. My heart is swollen with thoughts and prayers for you guys. Praising God as you are, even through the storms, is a testimony of faith and love beyond measure for Him. We have a loving God that holds His children in His hands EVERY beat of their lives. To know our God and allow Him to do His work in our lives is nothing short of miraculous. I am thankful for the testimony that he has given in Ruby Jean's life...the enemy SHUTTERS in fear and defeat because NO MATTER WHAT GOD PREVAILS!! Love and prayers to you guys....
    Always,
    Julie Gomez

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  8. My prayers continue for your family as God continues to walk you thru the healing process. God is great, God is good and He is in control! And it is so awesome to know he has Ruby Jean and your whole family in the palm of His hands. And that one day you will all be united. Thankyou for being such a testimony of faith during this time of grief.
    With Lots of Love!
    Carolyn Searle

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  9. Stephanie Long BonnerDecember 15, 2011 at 4:04 AM

    Up early and been praying for you and decided to see if you had posted lately.. You have been such an inspiration for so many. May God continue to heal your hearts and give you strength for the day..Hope the boys are adjusting well and that you are all doing well.. In our prayers..
    Stephanie and Family

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  10. IN our thoughts, prayers and hearts .. May God Bless you as we celebrate HIS birth and remember those who have gone on to be with HIM.. hugs..
    steph and family

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