Tuesday, October 25, 2011
The last few days....
It all kinda started Sunday morning. My friends came over for our Sunday morning book study. My sweet friend brought us all coffee and a whole lot of donuts. We caught up on life, talked about our weeks and discussed what God was teaching us through our individual journeys. I noticed the whole time I sat there that I wasn't feeling Ruby. She tends to get pretty active when I sit and rest and especially active after a lot of sugar and caffeine.
When they left, I felt a little sick and kind of shaky. I chalked it up to the donuts and coffee, but just didn't feel up to going to church, especially when I hadn't felt Ruby. I had John come and get the boys so I could lay down and rest. I put on a sermon from John Piper and laid on the couch. I thought for sure Ruby would do a swift kick or nudge while I laid there, but still felt nothing.
The day went on and into the evening. The evening is when she is most active. That's when I knew something was wrong. I told John that I should probably go into the Pregnancy Center the next morning to just check on her. Questions began to run through my mind ....Do I want her to kick? Will I be disappointed if I feel her? Am I ready to move forward? When we go in tomorrow what do I hope to see? I even started planning the week in my head, where the boys would go, getting the house clean so I wouldn't have to worry about it later, and how this would affect upcoming plans?
We got in at 10am to Life Choices and prepared ourselves for what seemed like the inevitable. But there she was, beating away. As soon as that machine hit my stomach I felt my first kick in 24 hours. She was still going, but her heart didn't seem right. It looked weaker, the shape was a little different than before. They couldn't even get a measurement of her heart that day. It was so erratic and weak. We thought that maybe she reacts more to sound and pressure and that that's what woke her up.
I walked away that day with a deep sigh saying ....."OK, back to life again".
We met up with some friends for lunch and the whole time there was Ruby, kicking away! That little booger. She just does what she wants when she wants! Playing with my emotions and my heart. I went home and laid down and she felt back to her normal self.
But I think we needed that day. I think John and I both needed to evaluate where our hearts were at. Were we ready to let her go? Were we finally ready to take that next step into a new chapter? Were we ready to endure the hardest part of all? Were we ready to move forward instead of standing still? I truly believe we were.
We've been tired. Really tired. Uncertain of how long we would have to carry on waiting, wishing, wondering, planning. We both needed rest.
Monday evening rolled around and I never felt Ruby. It was as if everything stopped again. I was almost annoyed, "If you are pulling something again little lady....I swear..." :)
I got up several times last night and every time I expected her to move or kick, but still nothing. By morning I had John bring me my breakfast so I could lay down, eat, play some music on my tummy and push around like an ultrasound machine. I laid there a while and still felt nothing. I had plans this morning and was unsure if I should go about my day and maybe check on her tomorrow or if I could run in and just make sure everything was OK. I was torn. Part of me didn't want to drag the ladies from Life Choices in (on their off day) just to see a paranoid momma get another swift kick from the sassiest little babe ever, but I knew they understood and would not hesitate to ease my mind. I also knew that if I went in Wednesday morning and she had gone we would both be wondering when it happened? That 24 hours was better than 48.
On the ride there the boys requested their favorite song, Seeds Family Worship "Philippians 4:6-7". This album literally puts scripture to song...so the whole way there we sang
"DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING, BUT IN EVERYTHING, BY PRAYER AND PETITION, WITH THANKSGIVING, PRESENT YOUR REQUESTS TO GOD. AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS"
How very appropriate
This time I had my friend Corinna come in with me since John had been taking off so much time for this stuff.
I got in there and they had the machine on and ready for me so I hopped on, Corinna hadn't showed up yet. As she put the machine on me I just thought "Here we go". There she was, perfectly still. Not a movement, not a kick...not a heartbeat. Her sweet little hand was resting so gently on her face. I had no tears, just peace. I was prepared for this.
I knew that yesterday had prepared me for today and that God needed us to say we were ready. He needed us to be able to confirm in our hearts that we were ready for this season to be over. We were ready to hand her over. He had prepared us.
I immediately called John. He rushed over with tears in his eyes. We watched her a little while longer. We prayed together and then we got up.
The beautiful women at the center prayed over us and shed some tears. They have been such a gift. I told them I was so grateful that we found out in their clinic. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.
The rest of today has consisted of packing, cleaning, phone calls, Doctor appointment, shopping for last minute items for the hospital, game night, wrestle time, and now, "The Wonder Years" and rest.
We go into the hospital tomorrow at 7:30am and we ask for every prayer possible. They say being induced can possibly take several days. We pray that it's quick. They say its possible I may need a D&C to get everything. We pray it goes naturally and perfectly. They say this will be difficult and hard to bear. We pray for beauty, peace, glory and worship!
I don't look forward to tomorrow. I'm a little scared, a little uncertain of my emotions, my strength, and my endurance. But I trust that God has something beautiful in mind. I'm not even sure how I will handle seeing Ruby, if it will just break my heart or mend it. But I know what she has already done to it and I cannot thank her enough for it. I have been renewed these last six months. I am not the same woman I was. My transformation process has accelerated at lightning speed. Don't get me wrong, I am still in serious process but God has done great things through Ruby Jean Harrell and I'm proud to call her my gem, my treasure, my daughter.