Saturday, October 29, 2011

The longest post of my life!

I know so many of you have already heard most of the details of our time in the hospital but for those who haven't, here is the run down:

DAY 1: We checked in at 7:30am Wednesday morning. Our nurse greeted us right away and showed us to our room, that was a part of the labor and delivery area that I had never seen before. She told us her name was Lauren and that we were her one and only patient today (Thanks Jesus). She told us that where we were was the wing of labor and delivery where they try and stop labor. They wanted us there so we wouldn't have to hear the cry of healthy babies. So sweet of them. She also informed us that she had chatted with our friend Tammy (a friend of ours from high school) who is a nurse at CMH, and that she knew a lot about us already. She was very kind and walked us through everything. We dealt with paperwork, I got into my gorgeous new attire and we settled in and waited. We did not get our first dose of cytotec ( like cervadil) until 9:30am. They told us I would get another dose in four hours so we could just kick back.

(This was the sign they placed on our door to inform the staff of our situation)

Within about an hour I started to have slight cramping and by the second dose they definitely started to feel more like contractions, but still very bearable. During this time, John and I got to meet the social worker, Tracy, who I had been chatting with for a couple of weeks. It was so good to put a face to a voice and to give her a big hug. She was so kind to us. She told us if we needed anything she would be around all day and to not hesitate. She was another sweet gift from Jesus. The rest of the day consisted of John and I watching "So I Married An Ax Murderer", making Ruby a couple of headbands, having lots of visitors, having the boys come to play, watching "Friends", trying to do my Beth Moore study, going for short walks and talking on the phone.


It really felt like we just got up and said "Hey, wanna go hang out at the hospital all day? Let's have friends come over to chat and bring us food too!" The nurse would check me from time to time and things were happening, but dialating was not in the equation yet. I could not receive pitocin until then.

By my third dose around 8pm I began to really feel contractions, the kind that were hard to sleep through. So the doctor recommended I take Ambien to help me sleep and rest. I got a couple of hours which was nice, but by the time they woke me up at 4am, I felt slightly nauseous with a bad headache. We had a very sweet nurse all evening named Charlotte, who took her time walking us through everything. When she left at 7am, she told us that she was also a believer and was truly blessed by our decision and the faith that she saw in us. She began to tear up and we were just truly touched. God was in every detail of our stay, encouraging us through small moments like this.
DAY 2: 7:30am rolled around and we met our new nurse, Kimberly. She stayed with us through out our day there. I loved her!! God allowed us to have 5 different nurses throughout our time there and every one was a gift. They were all so different but yet very compassionate, patient, and understanding.

She gave me my pitocin at 7:30am and we were praying for a nice quick process! She would come in every 20 minutes and up my pitocin... I kept asking if we could just crank it to 10, but she knew better.

John and I took walks, spent some more time with friends, watched "Arrested Development", and by about lunch time I was in full throttle labor. But about that time I was also ready for a nap. I had gotten very little sleep and having consistent contractions for over 30 hours was getting pretty taxing. The doctor had previously informed me that I did not have to dialate to 10 cm to deliver Ruby, because of her size. So I put off the idea of an epidural. I thought to myself if I can at least get to 6cm then maybe my body will be ready. The nurse would come and check me every 4 hours and every time became more and more discouraging. By noon I was a mere 1 or 2cm. But I pressed on in hopes that my body would remember doing this before and kick into gear quickly. So we trekked on. John would feed me ice chips, rub my back as I stood near my bed, let me hold onto him as I stood through the hard ones and walked me down the halls. He was right by my side the whole time. I couldn't have loved him more for it. I had a goal of getting to 4pm. She upped my pitocin to 12 and told me she would check me again at 4pm and I thought, if things have not progressed by then I will get my epidural, sleep and get rested up for time with Ruby. But I did tell John, "I really wanna have her before sun down. I don't want to have her at night." Don't ask me why but I think I needed to see her in the light of day. By 3pm my contractions were getting longer and way too close together. By 3:30pm we had clocked them at 50 seconds long and 40 seconds apart! I was dying! By 3:45pm I begged John to go get Kimberly and ask her to check me right then. I told him if I'm not at least a five you are bringing me that epidural! She came in and informed me I was only a 3 or tight 4cm. "BRING IT!"
This is where things got crazy! Within 5 minutes we had the anesthesiologist in our room prepping me for my epidural. I was shocked he got there as quickly as he did but also needed him to speed it up already! He got everything done, and had me rest back down and try to relax but with contractions coming every 40 seconds it was difficult to even catch my breath. I just kept thinking, "Yay, I can nap, rest up, and be ready to greet her with open arms!" Well it takes about 15 minutes for epidurals to take full effect so I breathed through a few more intense contractions then looked over and told the nurse, "Um, I'm feeling some pressure...what does that mean?" she looked very surprised and told me to get ready. I prepped myself for the next contraction and, still feeling everything, I gave birth to Ruby Jean Harrell at 4:28pm.
This may be too graphic for some viewers...reader discretion is advised.
Everything came with Ruby. My water never broke, She came out in her water sac, with the placenta right on top. The nurse ran to get the doctor and I looked over to John. I asked him "Are you ok?" He said yes and that he couldn't even see her yet. I have been very concerned about John's reaction to all of this. I had held a trisomy baby 6 months prior, so I felt I had more of an idea of what to anticipate. But this was my man's little girl and I was just so unsure how he would handle seeing her this way.
The doctor on call came in, introduced himself, told us how sorry he was, and opened up the bag. The doctor said, "Well, you are done! You did it all in one push so there is nothing more for you to do, but hold her." I watched John's face the whole time. Tears began to well up in his eyes as He took sight of his little girl. They placed her on my belly and cleaned her up. Not a tear, just pure joy came from my spirit. I was so grateful to hold her, grateful to hold my ultrasound baby, my Ruby Jean. I was so in awe of seeing her cord, her tiny chin, the features that made her a trisomy baby, the features we had only seen through images in black and white. Her arms were perfectly crossed. John and the nurse said she came out that way.
There was so much peace in knowing that this wasn't Ruby. That she was no longer with us here, but with our sweet Jesus, witnessing her mommy and daddy exploring her earthly shell.
Within 10 minutes the photographer got there. The hospital has a photographer come and take professional pictures for us to cherish...moments in time that we will never forget. When she left, we asked the nurse for some time.
John and I spent about 10 minutes exploring, talking, crying and praying. Her fingers were perfect, her feet were long, legs so skinny, toe nails, eye brows, every feature a full term baby would have, except maybe her ears. They were still being worked on:) We praised God for her, so thankful for what she had done in our lives.
The one thing that truly broke my heart was not that I never got to meet my little girl, but that she was Jackson and Caleb's little sister. She was gonna be the baby that the boys couldn't wait to hold. I wanted that for them. I wanted that for John.
But words cannot explain the peace both of us felt. Here we were, holding a little girl who drew so many people closer to Jesus, who transformed our lives, who answered our prayers, who has done so much good in our lives with her short 28 weeks in my womb. I felt as though we were privileged to hold a small miracle who, I believe, did more in her 28 weeks in the lives of my friends and family than I ever have in my 28 years.
We were in awe of what our God had done! John also relished in the fact that Ruby never sinned. She was a perfect being on this earth, and God took her home that way. That is all she has ever known....perfection. She is wiser than we are. So cool!
We had a few more friends come in to give us love and pray over us. They brought me my first solid meal in 36 hours:)

The mortuary then came to take our little girl away. John and I both felt as though we had spent enough time with her to not need to see her again. She was already beginning to physically change and we knew we wanted to remember her as we saw her in those first few moments. As they closed the door tears began to well up. We held each other and grieved the departure of everything we physically had of our sweet little Ruby. She was gone. Our time with her here on this earth had officially ended.
It was a good time for the two of us. A much needed time for tears.

I was unsure of what the hospital would want us to do now but by God's grace they allowed us to check out and head home. We packed up our things and eventually made our way out. But not before we stopped by our friends the Morris's in room 222. Josiah has been a dear friend from high school and due to having the same social circles and God's goodness we have stayed in contact with him and his family through the years. They delivered the day before just down the hall and welcomed home their sweet Bravery Olivia. We came in to say congrats and hold their new blessing! It was the perfect way to end our stay. Being able to witness God's perfect will in both our lives and proclaim His goodness in both stories. She is perfect, healthy and was sleeping like a babe. We gave our love and headed home.

We were truly blessed to be in our own beds. We needed to spend the evening in each others arms, to hold, to cry, and to sleep well.

I'm not even sure how to conclude a post like this. There is just so much more welled up inside of me, but I just cannot seem to put it into words. I am a blessed woman who was chosen by my Father to endure a trial no mother would ever volunteer for. A woman following after so many who have gone before me, surrendering the life of my child to the will of her Father. I do not take one once of credit for anything I endured. His grace took care of everything. His goodness, His gentleness, His peace, His comfort, His beauty. I only surrendered. But what else was I going to do? There felt like no other choice. This was the easier path. There is so much freedom in never making one decision, but allowing God to do His perfect will.
I will say this: Heaven seems so much more exciting! I cannot wait! I cling to it more tightly. And I truly look forward to the day when I get to explore, hold, hug and come to know my real, eternal, perfected Ruby Jean.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The last few days....


It all kinda started Sunday morning. My friends came over for our Sunday morning book study. My sweet friend brought us all coffee and a whole lot of donuts. We caught up on life, talked about our weeks and discussed what God was teaching us through our individual journeys. I noticed the whole time I sat there that I wasn't feeling Ruby. She tends to get pretty active when I sit and rest and especially active after a lot of sugar and caffeine.
When they left, I felt a little sick and kind of shaky. I chalked it up to the donuts and coffee, but just didn't feel up to going to church, especially when I hadn't felt Ruby. I had John come and get the boys so I could lay down and rest. I put on a sermon from John Piper and laid on the couch. I thought for sure Ruby would do a swift kick or nudge while I laid there, but still felt nothing.
The day went on and into the evening. The evening is when she is most active. That's when I knew something was wrong. I told John that I should probably go into the Pregnancy Center the next morning to just check on her. Questions began to run through my mind ....Do I want her to kick? Will I be disappointed if I feel her? Am I ready to move forward? When we go in tomorrow what do I hope to see? I even started planning the week in my head, where the boys would go, getting the house clean so I wouldn't have to worry about it later, and how this would affect upcoming plans?
We got in at 10am to Life Choices and prepared ourselves for what seemed like the inevitable. But there she was, beating away. As soon as that machine hit my stomach I felt my first kick in 24 hours. She was still going, but her heart didn't seem right. It looked weaker, the shape was a little different than before. They couldn't even get a measurement of her heart that day. It was so erratic and weak. We thought that maybe she reacts more to sound and pressure and that that's what woke her up.
I walked away that day with a deep sigh saying ....."OK, back to life again".
We met up with some friends for lunch and the whole time there was Ruby, kicking away! That little booger. She just does what she wants when she wants! Playing with my emotions and my heart. I went home and laid down and she felt back to her normal self.
But I think we needed that day. I think John and I both needed to evaluate where our hearts were at. Were we ready to let her go? Were we finally ready to take that next step into a new chapter? Were we ready to endure the hardest part of all? Were we ready to move forward instead of standing still? I truly believe we were.
We've been tired. Really tired. Uncertain of how long we would have to carry on waiting, wishing, wondering, planning. We both needed rest.
Monday evening rolled around and I never felt Ruby. It was as if everything stopped again. I was almost annoyed, "If you are pulling something again little lady....I swear..." :)
I got up several times last night and every time I expected her to move or kick, but still nothing. By morning I had John bring me my breakfast so I could lay down, eat, play some music on my tummy and push around like an ultrasound machine. I laid there a while and still felt nothing. I had plans this morning and was unsure if I should go about my day and maybe check on her tomorrow or if I could run in and just make sure everything was OK. I was torn. Part of me didn't want to drag the ladies from Life Choices in (on their off day) just to see a paranoid momma get another swift kick from the sassiest little babe ever, but I knew they understood and would not hesitate to ease my mind. I also knew that if I went in Wednesday morning and she had gone we would both be wondering when it happened? That 24 hours was better than 48.
On the ride there the boys requested their favorite song, Seeds Family Worship "Philippians 4:6-7". This album literally puts scripture to song...so the whole way there we sang
"DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING, BUT IN EVERYTHING, BY PRAYER AND PETITION, WITH THANKSGIVING, PRESENT YOUR REQUESTS TO GOD. AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS"
How very appropriate
This time I had my friend Corinna come in with me since John had been taking off so much time for this stuff.
I got in there and they had the machine on and ready for me so I hopped on, Corinna hadn't showed up yet. As she put the machine on me I just thought "Here we go". There she was, perfectly still. Not a movement, not a kick...not a heartbeat. Her sweet little hand was resting so gently on her face. I had no tears, just peace. I was prepared for this.
I knew that yesterday had prepared me for today and that God needed us to say we were ready. He needed us to be able to confirm in our hearts that we were ready for this season to be over. We were ready to hand her over. He had prepared us.
I immediately called John. He rushed over with tears in his eyes. We watched her a little while longer. We prayed together and then we got up.
The beautiful women at the center prayed over us and shed some tears. They have been such a gift. I told them I was so grateful that we found out in their clinic. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.
The rest of today has consisted of packing, cleaning, phone calls, Doctor appointment, shopping for last minute items for the hospital, game night, wrestle time, and now, "The Wonder Years" and rest.
We go into the hospital tomorrow at 7:30am and we ask for every prayer possible. They say being induced can possibly take several days. We pray that it's quick. They say its possible I may need a D&C to get everything. We pray it goes naturally and perfectly. They say this will be difficult and hard to bear. We pray for beauty, peace, glory and worship!
I don't look forward to tomorrow. I'm a little scared, a little uncertain of my emotions, my strength, and my endurance. But I trust that God has something beautiful in mind. I'm not even sure how I will handle seeing Ruby, if it will just break my heart or mend it. But I know what she has already done to it and I cannot thank her enough for it. I have been renewed these last six months. I am not the same woman I was. My transformation process has accelerated at lightning speed. Don't get me wrong, I am still in serious process but God has done great things through Ruby Jean Harrell and I'm proud to call her my gem, my treasure, my daughter.

Ruby Jean...



Oh, baby girl.
You slipped away so quietly, exiting your broken tent and breaking the bonds of this existence, exchanging it all for your eternal home. It kills me not knowing the exact moment your spirit soared and your little heart ceased its striving. I can't bear the thought of such a miracle of healing and transformation occurring in our very midst...and we never blinked an eye. Worse yet, I can't bear the thought that you'll never see the face of your father, or feel the warm touch of your mother. You'll never witness the joy and laughter of your brothers or experience the rich, comforting soil of Family. Flowergirls, hair-brushing, Easter dresses, Daddy-dates, snuggling, secret-telling, joyful tears and heartbreaks.... all these have slipped through my fingers. I had it, and it slipped away so quietly.

I petitioned our Father for a miracle. By now you understand far better than I just how able He truly is. But His will is now known, and I dare not suggest that you are a tragedy.

Baby girl, you are, in every sense of the word, a true success. Our Father, in His infinite wisdom and transcendent knowledge, has worked a miracle. You came to us, as quietly as you slipped away. We rejoiced over you, dreamed over you and prayed over you. And even in the face of uncertainty and heartbreak, He blessed us through you. Every kick, every movement and every ultrasound with you was a joy and a testimony to the nature and wonder of our Father. He used you to test our faith, enrich our love, purify our motives and focus our affection. Baby girl, you have worked more in my heart than perhaps anyone else I know. You have taught Caleb and Jack, at such young ages, to turn to our Father in times of sorrow. You have taught your mother how to faithfully endure. I can't say for all the others that you have touched and inspired around the world.

I thank God for you. I'm a better man because of you. And I love you.

I know now that our Father has called you home. And I could not ask for anything more. You were only a blessing and now you are truly home. I don't know the day or the hour, but I know that I will go to you. Someday. I know I'm working to store up my treasure in Heaven, but right now, I don't much care about that. Right now, I've got a Ruby, and you and I have much to talk about. I love you.
Daddy

Monday, October 24, 2011

LIL RUBIES

To my sweet and tender husband. May this be a gift for you to treasure. Moments in time to reflect on. I love you and cannot imagine enduring this journey without your hand holding mine. You have been a faithful comfort, father and friend to us and we know this journey for you has been difficult but may we always be able to journey back praising our Father for the pain, sorrow, blessings, honor, joy and transformation that our lil Ruby has given us. May He forever be praised for what He is doing in and through our family. LOVE YOU!

My sweet friend Shannon came in secret to take pictures of me and the boys as a gift to John. My friend Brandy also took some cool pics that I added. Thank you friends for being able to bless my husband with this gift.
I pray its a GEM we can always keep and enjoy:)

Click pause on the song below so you dont have both playing:)

You can also click here to watch it on VIMEO.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

A new week

Sorry that we have been a little distant this week. We have had a lot going on both good and hard.
Monday we got the chance to go to Disneyland! Here is link to our family blog with our trips pictures HARRELLOLOGY
The day after Disneyland was hard. Having such a picture perfect day and then walking into the week with the reality that this season is not giggles, candy, and super fun rides.
That this journey is REALLY REALLY HARD. There have been many tears shed this week, many prayers prayed that God would take this cup, that He would heal our lil girl, that He would change His mind and that this wouldn't be the plan He had for our family. John and I have both just been very very sad the last couple days. The idea of this continuing for a possible 13 more weeks feels exhausting both emotionally and physically.
That we do not know when the Lord will take our sweet Ruby and that we have to choose to trust that His timing is perfect. That we have to take every day one minute at a time and find joy in the little things. This week has been hard....but we Trust

Do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with me righteous rod. Isaiah 41:10



We are still talking to CMH (our hospital) but they hope to get us in for a meeting in the next couple of weeks. She wants to make sure the manager of Labor and Delivery, the head of the Palliative Care, Bereavement, NICU and Pediatricians are all in attendance so that we can get all the answers and plans laid out. I am truly blown away by the hard work and support we are getting form this very sweet social worker at the hospital. She has been such a blessing!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

PRAYER ANSWERED!

We found a new doctor!!
Since Monday I have been on the phone with about three different doctors offices. Faxing off medical release forms and calling our previous doctor to make sure they were sending things out. To be honest it was a bit exhausting and a lil bit lonely. I kept praying for Ruby to hold on until we found a doctor to help us!
I also called CMH to talk to them about our situation and see what they provide for families like us. They were amazing and are planning to have a meeting with us along with the head of the neonatal care, palliative care team and bereavement team!
One door closed on a doctor (he was no longer taking in transfers), one was made for this coming tuesday, the next was the Dr that the pregnancy center up here and in Ventura recommended, a strong believer and huge advocate for them, DR GREEN. We were able to get into to see him Friday afternoon.
We got in and immediately loved his nurse. She gave me her phone number right away, told us how sorry she was for our situation and if we needed anything not hesitate to call them! She also said, "We see miracles all the time here!" She was surprised at how quickly we got in to see them. She said she is not used to seeing this kind of turnover, this quickly. THANKS JESUS!
As we waited for the doctor to come in we studied the pictures on the wall and noticed that he goes on many medical mission trips and blesses others around the world!
He came in and was a breathe of fresh air. He spoke with a gentleness and sadness in his voice. He told us how sorry he was for our diagnosis and that he was here to answer any questions we may have. He claimed he has seen this diagnosis go a thousand different ways and that if he and his wife had this situation they would make the same decision we would. We told him that we believed God has a special plan for her and we know He is capable of any kind of miracle!
He immediately lit up and said "can we take a few steps back? I also believe that God can perform miracles, I have seen it! I am also a believer and support your decision 100%" He was getting a feel for our faith and once he knew we too were believers He got to be himself!
We talked through every case scenario. If my water broke at 3am, if I stopped feeling her one day, if I saw that her heart had stopped and it was after business hours.
He told us he could not promise that he would be the doctor to deliver her but that if we planned the induction (because her heart stopped) he would do everything in his power to make sure he was the one on call.
He recommended we sit down with CMH and get as much info as possible.
I then asked "Ok when do you want to see me again?" He immediately said "When do you want to see me again?? I will see you once a week, twice a week or once a month if you want!" It was so refreshing to hear!
We then ended our apt, with him asking us if he could share with his small group about us so that they could pray! John and I walked away saying "Oh yeah, this is the guy!"
God is in every detail. He has planned all of this for us and brought us to the right man for this job. We are grateful that even through this crazy rough storm God provides umbrellas, rain boots and shelter for our humble little family

SHOWING OFF OUR LITTLE LADY!

Friday we got the privilege of spending over an hour with Ruby by getting a 3D/4D Ultrasound done!
Another sweet gift from an amazing friend.
Im sure she wouldn't want me to say her name but let's just say her initials are KPlum haha (I love you)
Both our parents were able to live stream it through their computers!
We got an hour long dvd of watching her squirm and wiggle.
4 colored printouts and 10 black and whites!
and a disc of 148 pictures.
Our session was only supposed to be 25 minutes but the tech was so determined to get good shots that she went an hour and 15 minutes with us!!
Thank you My First Peekaboo
Ruby was SUPER active which was fun to watch but hard for the tech to get really good shots of her!
She also loved covering her face with her hands. Out of 148 pics these are the best!
There were certain features I really wanted to see, like her tiny little chin and wondered if she had a cleft palate. It was neat to study her a bit. There are shots where she looks like she has a button nose and then ones where it looks large and in charge! I will cherish these pictures and DVD forever! This experience is one we will never for get.



















Friday, October 14, 2011

Ways you can be praying!

That God continues to use Ruby's story to touch so many lives, that he would continue to Glorify Himself & draw others near to Him.

Pray we find the right doctor for Ruby ( have an apt at 1pm today) That He/She would help us plan for the best hospital experience and walk us through all the uncertainties of this journey.

That we would be able to monitor Ruby properly and know we are getting the best possible care for her.

That we are able to set up a meeting with the hospital and plan for our time there with them.

That as the medical bills continue to come in that God would provide everything we need to pay them quickly and stress free.

That we would enjoy each day we have with her (we get to see her today on a giant screen at a 3D ultrasound)

That our boys would be drawn closer to Jesus as they pray for her daily

That we would be new creations through this experience, transformed and forever changed by this beautiful life.

That Ruby's life would be used in ways we never thought imaginable!!

That with just a word God would touch her chromosomes, mend her broken heart, braid her umbilical cord, release pressure from her brain and HEAL OUR LITTLE GIRL!!

That God would prepare our hearts for what He has in store for our family.

That His name would forever be praised in our HOME!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Doctors and Appointments

Many of you know that we decided to search out a new doctor for Ruby.
Our last appointment did not go as we had hoped and we decided that we needed to find someone who we could build a better relationship with. We are aware that he is one of the best in situations like this and that he has been a great doctor for most of my friends with both healthy and unhealthy pregnancies but we did not feel he was a good fit for us right now. And to be honest we really came to that office for his midwife:) We hope to find someone who understands and supports our decision (not to say that our previous doctor didn't) and who is willing to take the time to help us plan for the best hospital experience in this kind of situation.
The hardest part has been the faxing of medical forms and setting up apts. We are pursuing 3 new doctors in hopes to sit down and see which one we can best build a relationship with. But two are unwilling to make an apt with us until they see my records, totally understandable. But the time frame between, faxing off a "release" of my records, my doctor signing off on the release, and them faxing it to the new doctors has been four days now and time is not something we have at this point. It feels little scary to be kind of alone in the "medical community" to have no one to call if I don't feel a kick or hear a heartbeat.
I know God is in every detail and already knows the outcome of our attempts to plan so my role right now is to do what I can and then trust He will make it happen, but I still get overwhelmed.
GOOD NEWS! With a special gift of an amazing friend, John and I are able to go get a 4D/3D ultrasound done tomorrow in Ventura! We called them today and they got us in for tomorrow at 4pm. They told us they have done ultrasounds for trisomy babies before and that they would love to help make this a beautiful experience. I am so excited because we can also live stream it to our parents who live out of state! What a blessing!
We cherish every moment with Little Ruby and boy has she been ACTIVE this week! I feel like she is always awake and practicing her break dancing skills even now! Every ultrasound I fall more and more in love, which leads all of this to become harder and harder.
But I praise God for His word and the healing that it brings! I praise Him for the MANY friends and family who have poured out more love on us than I ever thought possible! I praise Him for she is fearfully and wonderfully made, we know that full well!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Blessed by the many gifts we have been given


Thanks for all the cards, dinners, notes, comments, emails, songs, phone calls, texts, babysitting, words, and prayers! We have been and continue to be blessed by the outpouring of love for our little Ruby Jean! We truly need it to get through this tough journey and cannot thank you enough for all your love.


Given to us by my amazing "momma" friends in Ventura!
I LOVE IT SOOO MUCH!
They even made two small blankets for Caleb and Jack!

From my very own sweet momma for our anniversary.
We will forever be blessed when we see this image sitting in our home.


A gift from my dear friend Kelly made by the very talented Holly Doden. I havent taken it off!!

Monday, October 10, 2011

A Blessing for Cristin...




Oh God of all Glory,
Who inclines His ear to the cries of His own,
Who draws near to the broken and enables the crushed in spirit,
hear me now:
Bless the womb that carries this one
so faithfully, so carefully.
Bless the work of her hands and the song of her heart.
Bless the eyes that stand watch and the love that protects.
Bless the mouth that speaks Truth and the faith that brings healing.
Bless the womb that carries this one
so faithfully, so carefully.
Carry her on, Oh God,
and enable her to stand on the heights.
Bless her, Oh God.
Please bless my love.

-John

Eh...

We fired the doctor today. It's not that he's incompetent or incapable or ugly or anything. We'd just prefer to go through this with a doctor who cares... or who at least asks my wife how she's doing with the loss of her unborn daughter. Maybe a heart is too much to ask for. Maybe... but he's fired.

Baseball and Miracles






I can't tell you who is in the MLB Championship Series' right now. There's a battle between four teams for the coveting pennet that is being playing out. Each team is desperately trying to beat their opponents and hang on the thin thread of hope that a World Series trophy is within their reach. I love October for the changing season and the epic postseason of Major League Baseball. But I admit right now, that I had to search to find out which teams were currently duking it out in round 2 of postseason action. My unborn daughter has stolen the spotlight of my heart, and nothing else comes close.

Ruby Jean has been surprising us. Her normally spunky, rambunctious and hyper-active nature all but disappeared last Tuesday. She just went silent, leading us to believe the very real reality that the journey of our Ruby was drawing to a close. Cristin and I would find ourselves lying in bed, waiting... like waiting for an earthquake, or holding our breath for thunder. In our preparation, she surprised us with little movements in the womb. It has been almost like she's just tapping on the door to let us know she's still here. Ultrasound after ultrasound have shown that her heart is still slowly going, though weaker, and her Ruby Jean nature is still there, though slower. She's fading. We'll go a day with no movement, assuming the worst, only to have her surprise us in the middle of the night, letting us know she's still here.

All of this led Cristin and I to understand that the time had come to level with the boys. Cristin had a great plan to tell the boys everything (age appropriately), and then to have them do a series of projects for their baby sister, like writing her a letter and drawing her special pictures, telling her about the world and the family that she belongs to. What came out of them was truly special and worth sharing. You can see and read them in this post.

I was touched. Cristin was given a necklace recently... a simple pendant on a gold chain that very plainly read "Ruby Jean". She has worn it around her neck faithfully since it was first given. I don't think she's taken it off. But what I realized last night is that in a very real way, we've all been wearing her around our necks. Everywhere we go there's an air and a feeling of heaviness. Peace is certainly abundant in our hearts and in our home, but there is a very real heaviness in our days. And the boys feel it too.

It's frightening territory, kind of like walking a tightrope. Neither Cristin or myself want to constantly bring her up to the boys or manufacture some emotion in them. But we also feel the need to remind the boys that it's good to talk about her, and to talk about their feelings, and that it's okay to be sad. I think that we have found a good balance, and I'm grateful to walk through this time with such a Godly, lovely and keenly aware woman.

Despite our emotional exhaustion, our spiritual rollercoaster, and our physical marathon, Ruby Jean delights us with every kick, jab and butterfly, no matter how faint it may become. It just lets us know that she is still with us... even if only for a season.

There's a lot of baseball fans praying for a miracle right now. But I don't care. I'm still praying for mine.

Friday, October 7, 2011

My little Fighetr

This morning I woke up and decided to stay in bed awhile. I wanted to wait and see what my little girl might do. She woke up too! I got two GOOD kicks from her and I let out a nice sigh of relief.
Yesterday at 2:30am I told John "I just wanna feel her, but I know that if I do Im gonna have another night/day like this down the road. So should I be ok with her passing tonight? or should I wish it on another evening?" Its not my decision to make and there is so much freedom in that. He knows the day, the hour, the minute and He is allowing us to say our goodbyes today.
I went in the Pregnancy Center this morning. Just me and the boys. The boys played out in the foyer and wandered in when they felt like it but the sweet tech left me alone to explore and stare. Ruby was more active today than yesterday. She is truly keeping us on our toes. I believe I have a strong willed child on my hands. She never wants us to think for one second we got her figured out. Or maybe that's the Lord:)
But her heart was still very faint. At one angle it was hard to tell that it was even pumping. But I got to watch her wiggle and squirm. I would slowly push down with the machine in my stomach and then slowly lighten up just to watch her react. I would take deep breaths in and out to watch her get extra space and then tighten up again. It was so fun! Moments I would never get with a doctor in the room. I even had her at an angle I have never had with her or the boys where I just studied her breathing in and out. To know her lungs are still pumping and practicing. She is still being formed for a world she will never encounter.
I love her more and more every time I see her. But at the same time there is this indescribable contentment with letting the Lord take her when He is ready. I am not angry at Him or bitter (but maybe that'll come later)
John put it in a beautiful perspective for me:
He told me that he and I made Ruby's body. That it took our cells to create the shell of who Ruby is but that the Lord created "RUBY JEAN" the girl, the character, the personality, the spirit, the soul. And because we live in a broken world it makes sense that Ruby's body would be broken. This world is full of sin, brokenness, and sorrow BUT "RUBY JEAN" is perfect! God did not make any mistakes with "RUBY JEAN". So this body may fail her. She may never get the chance to use it to explore this broken world, but the Lord who makes no mistakes will take His RUBY JEAN back to PERFECTION. And that sounds better to me by far!

Thank you all for your prayers, tears, emails, texts, dinners, and love! The Lord truly knows what I need and I need people! I need the fellowship of the body and I am truly grateful that you have answered my prayers. Thank you for not lightening up, or stepping back to give me my time or space. At this point in time, i dont need it! I need family, friends and even strangers! We will keep you all posted as we know more but as for right now we pray God continues to be in EVERY detail as we wait on His perfect plan!
-Cristin

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Pray for Ruby

I was able to get into Life Choice Pregnancy Center in Ojai this morning (cannot say enough great things about them!!) to check on Ruby's status. She still had a heartbeat but it was very very faint. There was almost no movement from her which was shocking after yesterdays ultrasound but it made sense why I haven't felt her. Their machine could not get a good reading of her heart rate because her left and right are pumping off beat from each other. Her heart just looked weaker and she just seemed less like her active spazzy Ruby self.
Both the ultrasound tech and assistant were very tearful and sympathetic towards us which is such a shift from yesterdays ultrasound where I felt a bit like a freak after I said out loud that we would continue with the pregnancy. They told me they would be available every day for me to come in and check on her. Even Saturday and Sunday!!! "This is why we are here" they said.
Oh I love them!
Praying right now for God to touch our sweet girl gently, softly, like a Daddy. That if this is her time to take her she would be held and wrapped in His loving arms and comforted with great peace and comfort.
Please pray for us as this may be one of the hardest weekends of our lives. Pray for the right nurses and doctor to come alongside us, that this experience would be a beautiful, peaceful experience for both John and I. And if Ruby carries on through this weekend that God would time everything just right so as not to distract from Jackson's special day on Wednesday.
-Cristin

Here we go part 2



Taken Wednesday October 5th 2011

Last night I went to our Wednesday night bible study at church. I wanted to hear from the Lord and be in fellowship with my FBC ladies. Despite the news we had just received I thought it best to go. Sitting through the video I assumed I would have felt Ruby. I was sitting perfectly still and I usually feel her a lot as I hunch over a bit and cram up her space:)
I thought I felt maybe one or two movements but it didnt feel like much. I was fighting a pretty bad headache coming home so I took my "dessert" to bed with me and laid down. Thought if I got a lil sugar and stillness I would get a few kicks. There was nothing. I was worried but thought to myself "Don't just jump straight to that conclusion, she could be sleeping". I eventually fell asleep praying I would get one or two kicks drifting off.
I woke up at about 2:30am for my usual bathroom excursion and went and laid back down. I thought the jostling and movement might startle her a lil and I'd feel her. Still nothing. I laid there awhile, tossing and turning, hoping something might give my lil one a "would you knock it off out there, I am trying to sleep" nudge. Still nothing. I immediately began to pray, asking the Lord that if Ruby is still well He would please give my heart and spirit a rest and let me feel her just once. nothing. minutes went by and my heart sunk. I began to slowly weep, then cry, then ultimately sob so loud I woke up John.
I told him "I think she's is gone". I felt like there was this sudden void, a vacancy, an empty space where there was once life. I cried "I miss her". I wanted to be wrong, I still do. As I type it has been two hours now since I woke up. I'm still waiting for her to just sock me a couple times to let me know she's ok. John prayed, unsure of how to pray, but he did his best. He just held me as I let it all out. I cried out, "this is gonna be so hard!"
I laid there for about an hour planning in my head what we were gonna do today. Call the pregnancy center, to just run in and double check? Call Dr Cole and get in ASAP? Have a friend take the boys for the day? When will they schedule our hospital stay? Please don't let it be on Jacks B-day. I don't want any of this to be shared with Jacks B-day! What about our trip to Disneyland on the 17th? Will I be able to go?
I finally decided it was best for me to just get up and let John rest. It would not be beneficial for us both to be sleep deprived. So as he rests I will research a lil more, plan as much as I can, get on my knees before the throne, cry a lil and wait for the sun to rise. Please pray for us today. That we would continue to be equipped for what lies ahead in the next fews hours, days, weeks and months. This will be a process.

Here we go part 1

We had our apt yesterday with the specialist. They wanted to have one last ultrasound with us and let the genetic counselor give us as much info as she could.
Ruby was just as active as ever. The ultrasound tech could barely getting a reading on her heart rate cause she just wouldn't sit still. Love that about her! When they finally did, her heart was down to 60. It has been that low before but then within minutes would shoot back up to 140. This time it didn't. The tech as well as the doctor asked us again what our decision was for her and we told them we were moving forward.
I asked him about how many people he sees a year with this, he told me maybe one or two (so basically Corinna and I hit that quota this year:) but that he sees a LOT of women. He has offices here, Thousand Oaks and New York. That this is so rare and that he couldn't give me statistics on how many make it full term verses how many are lost in the womb because most women do not "continue the pregnancy". I told him about my bible study of four women and how two of us have had it this year and he was blown away! He said he'd be happy to see us again but only if that is what our obgyn wanted. But that at this time there was no other reason to make an apt with them.
We then sat down with the genetic counselor who showed us Ruby's results. She immediately told us what the doctor wouldn't. That they do not believe Ruby would be carried to full term do to her heart rate. It wasn't a big shock to hear but I felt it odd that the doctor never said those words to us when we were in the room. Apparently he lets her give the news. We discussed our options of Labor vs D&C (which there was no need for that discussion, we know our decision), about what to expect come the hospital stay etc...
I dont really know how to describe how I was feeling coming out of the apt. I wasn't devastated because I knew that this was an option and John and I were praying that we would be led in one direction or another. Our fear was everything would look the same and we would have to wait another 3 or 4 weeks to check on her progress. So to have at least a path to start heading down felt a lil reassuring. We discussed that we would plan for a still born birth until about week 32 and if everything was the same then we would start to make a birth plan for a live birth.
We picked up the boys (thanks Kristen) then headed to Costco, Target, then up to church for bible study. It felt a lil surreal that our daughter was given a death sentence but how life had to still go on. Errands still needed to be run, responsibilities still had to be met. I know we could've canceled everything, ran home, curled in a ball and wept but at that point we knew ultimately God had the timeline in His hands and this could carry on for awhile if He so desired and that we wanted the boys to know that we were trusting in God's perfect timing.



Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Captain of the Storm


Since our last ultrasound on Wednesday at Life Choices Pregnancy Center, I have felt Ruby kick and squirm more than ever. She has been so active and I have become more and more aware of her presence. It has been very sweet.

Monday evening though I had a weird moment. Its hard to describe cause I was half way between being awake and asleep but I found myself waking up to a loud whoosh sound. It sounded like a giant gust of wind had blown through our room but our blinds and curtains were not moving. It lasted about 10 seconds and then complete and utter silence. Now I don't know if I dreamt the sound of the wind and woke up to the silence or if I was truly coherent through any of it, but what initially came to mind was.....she's gone. Like I was hearing the words ringing in my head of "it is finished".
I went about my morning as usual. Ran errands, took jack and a friend to the Library, picked Caleb up from school. I picked up a cup of coffee and headed home to lie down. I wanted to get a lil caffeine in me and then wait to feel her kick and squirm. I had told John about my "night time storm" so I think he was a bit on edge. He kept texting, "have you felt her?"
Once I laid down it was about 1pm and I did get a few good kicks but not as many as I would've hoped, almost as if she was slowing down.
Now I can let things get into my head a bit and I was praying that I wouldn't let this weird noise play into my thoughts or give satan a foothold to play with my doubts and worries but I was worried about her activity. And since we are going into the specialist today I wondered if God was revealing some news to us.
John wondered if it was the moment He decided to heal her, I wonder if He was just reminding me of the storm that He and the disciples faced. That while Jesus slept the disciples were facing a raging storm on the boat. A storm too
big for them!
Jesus Storybook Bible:
But the storm wasn't too big for Jesus. "HELP!" they screamed. "Wake up! Quick Jesus!" Jesus opened his eyes. "rescue us! Save us!" the shrieked. "don't you care?"(of course Jesus cared, and this was the very reason he had come-to rescue them and to save them.)

Jesus stood up and spoke to the storm."Hush!" he said. That's all, And the strangest thing happened...The wind and the waves recognized Jesus' voice. (They had heard it before, of course-it was the same voice that made them, in the very beginning)
.....There was a deep stillness and great quiet all around. Then Jesus turned to His wind-torn friends. "Why were you scared? Did you forget who I am? Did you believe your fears, instead of me?"

Jesus' friends were quiet. As quiet as the wind and the waves. And into their hearts came a different kind of storm. "What kind of man is this?" they asked "Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

May He continue to calm our storms, to quiet our thoughts, to silence our fears, and to just speak "Hush". And may we continue to trust in His goodness, His sovereignty and His perfect plan. That we are His creation. And if only we would be as obedient as the wind. To truly listen to His words and immediately obey them.

Thank you for your prayers and please know we desire every text, email, phone call. Dont think for a minute we don't need you:)
Like my friend Lynette said this weekend we need people around, people to be "Jesus with skin on"!



Sunday, October 2, 2011

My Heart is Weak Too




John, here. Little bit of venting, tonight.

I'm amazed at how rapidly the seasons of my heart continue to change. I have found myself waking up joyful and expectant, and by lunch, feeling dejected and heavy-hearted. I can wrestle with the boys with laughter and joy, and ten minutes later, when they're off to bed, become overwhelmed with loneliness and inadequacy. It's fast, it's sudden and it's relentless. I don't know what emotion to expect just around the corner and as a result, I'm exhausted on the inside.

I spent this weekend down in Carlsbad, being best man in a wedding for one of my favorite people. Cristin was unable to come with me, which was a bit of a let down. But all in all, it was a great time with old friends, new friends and a necessary distraction from it all. Still, in the midst of the joy, the laughter and the late night shenanigans of groomsmen, my heart would sink. Suddenly and without warning.

The flowergirl broke me. She was this beautifully adorable little blonde-haired girl, picture perfect with a personality to boot. And all I could think of was Ruby Jean. Watching her run to her father and watching him hold her with such a joyous and smiling love, all I could think of was Ruby Jean.

And for the first time I felt a new emotion: my heart was embittered.

It frightened me. Is this a path that I need to explore? I can deal with issues like trusting in God's sovereignty, believing in His absolute Goodness and leaning on His Spirit everyday. I can love a God who gives and takes away and worship a God who brings little children home to Him. But this... this frightened me. Do I walk this path for a while or do I avoid it? Can I be so candid and frank as to shake my fist at God? He knows anyway. He saw through my composed demeanor that day. He saw the tears I wanted to shed and my heart as it gripped the reality that Ruby Jean will most likely never be flowergirl, never be a bride, and even worse, never feel my arms wrap her with such a joyous and smiling love. It official and I can't act like it doesn't affect me any longer... I want my girl. I want my baby girl. I want Ruby Jean.

But I guess I'm not alone. One of the reasons I love the Bible so much is that it takes the time to show the weaker side of it's 'heroes'. Moses, David, Jonah, Job, and the list goes on, all shook their fists in protest. However, there is one who sticks out to me time and again: Elijah. 1Kings 19 tells of a compelling and pivotal moment in the prophet Elijah's life, and it shares a mind-shatteringly deep glimpse of God's very heart. Here, Elijah has just been used to purify Israel of the pagan Baal worship that had perverted that generation. Elijah prayed to God, calling down fire from Heaven. Through him, God revealed Himself anew to Israel and showed Himself for who He is.

But then something funny happens. Jezebel, queen of Israel and known Baal worshiper, makes it known that she is now seeking the head of Elijah. So what does the prophet who called down fire do? He runs for his life.

Elijah finds himself in a wilderness... in the desert. And he's ready to die. He's done. His heart is finished and he feels himself a failure. Read it for yourself. But the best part of it all is how God responds to him. God comes to him simply calling his name. "Elijah, Elijah. What are you doing here"? Elijah gives his list of complaints to God and requests to die.

That's when God does the unthinkable. He tells Elijah to hide in a cave and to prepare, because He's about to pass by. Elijah watches the mouth of the cave, heart racing, as fire, earthquake and a rock shattering wind passes by, but God was not in any of it. Read it. Then God whispered, and Elijah covered his face and went to stand at the mouth of the cave.

There's a sense in which I feel like shaking my fist in anger and making plain my complaints and my reasons for knowing the better good. I feel like running out into the desert in order that I could just die (figuratively, of course). But I sense that God's response would be similar to 1Kings 19. "John, John. What are you doing here, John"? That is a beautiful question and a surprising response from God, isn't it? There is love and much grace in that response. There is a Father's heart in that question. It's a conversational question, an invitation for heartfelt discussion. It sheds new light on why God not only instructs us, but commands us to "Cast your cares upon Him, for He cares for you." (1Pet. 5:7).

The strange part of it all is simply this: as I reflect on these truths and see His heart in this light, my embittered spirit simply fades into the brightness. My wants and desires, no matter how passionate or valid, simply do not compare to His Holy Fathering heart. And all I'm left with is simple trust and simple faith. He cares for me and He cares for Ruby Jean. She may never be a flowergirl or a bride, but she will be light, and glory and forever His.

To wrap up. The pregnancy center gave us an incredible opportunity last Wednesday, to simply spend time with Ruby. Cristin and I had the room to ourselves for as long as we wanted, just working the ultrasound machine exploring every detail and every subtle movement of her body. It was fun and fulfilling and heart-breaking all at once. Why did God form her fingernails? Why her legs, if only to kick in the womb? Why give her a mouth at all if she'll never taste food? I simply don't know. And that's okay. She's beautiful and picture perfect in her brokenness. I don't know much, but I know God is Good. And for now, that's enough.