one month ago today

We held our little lady for the first and last time on this earth
We cried and prayed over her
We counted her fingers and toes
We marveled at how detailed our Sweet Jesus had made her body
We thanked Him for how He used her to change our lives forever
We went through the most heartbreaking and beautiful experience of our lives
A month ago today.... We delivered out sweet babe into the arms of the Father.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I was scolded by many to not write and mail out "Thank You" cards to everyone that took part in our journey with Ruby. And if I did chances are it would add up to about 200 cards. So instead I chose to write out a few to those who don't read this blog and still like getting mail and to the rest of you I thought I'd type it out here!
Its in no particular order and I don't think I can list what each individual actually did for me cause it would take a long time! But you know who you are and your LOVE and KINDNESS did not go unnoticed. However BIG or small, we pondered it all in our hearts!
PLEASE forgive me if I left anyone out!
WE HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR!
Grammie and Papa, Grandma, Grandpa and Auntie Cay, Auntie Coco, Aunt Becky, G.G., Ojai Pregnancy Center, Arlene & Rosemary, Jessica and Ryan Moore, Jaclyn, Jan and Elaine Tisdale, Grandmommy and Granddaddy, The Seeks, Virginia Hill, Janae & Ryan, Chad and Christy, Joe and Corinna, Devo & Chelsea, Kristen & Jodi Plum, Uncle Justin and Auntie Sarah, Kim Morrison, Nadine Goodwin, Carol Eiland, Michelle Smith, Melissa Stone, Nicole Wenger, Amy Tromans, Kelly Hester, Stephanie Staniland, Shannon Snyder, Jim and Denise Lawhead, Jenny Dilbeck, Sue Diehl, Lindsey Carpenter, Sue Dudley, Cassie and Jeff Lawhead, Nancy Dilbeck, Kristina & Andon Petit, Phillipe and Debbie Mathieu, Mike and Retha Nordyke, Todd & Tracy Robison, Zac & Jess Cannon, Brandy and Ivan Gregory, Nikki & Jesse Clark, Holly Doden, Jana and Allen Fletcher, Doug & Aimee, Matt and Erin, Jamie and Kevin, Amy Atkinson, Aaron Bird, Javai & Brittany Fletcher, Jenny Allen, Brian & Danielle Giersch, Cara Hughes, Courtney Kresge, Tim & Debbie Kresge, The Hasbrouks, Sam & Martha Starkweather, Denise Sponsellar, Nancy Clover, Mary Smith, Our amazing deacon board at our church, Lettie Vaglica, Josiah and Crista Morris, Danielle and Ryan Axtell, Darian O Brien, Tracy VanAtta, The staff at Community Memorial Hospital, Dr Green, Jennifer Malone, Vickie Mumma, Jeremy & Amy Allen, Ty and Jerri Hardman, Jillian and Rick Lawson, Josh and Jess Agadoni, Joyce Snyder, Kathleen, Tami & Debra, Katina Burgen, the Daltos, Michala & France Hayes, First Baptist Church of Ojai, Ojai Valley Baptist Church, First Southern Baptist Church Porterville, Erlanger Baptist Church in Kentucky, Community Bible Church Ventura, Cornerstone Baptist in Alabama, Joe & Drenda Pledgers, the Brookes, Rohweller, Richard and Mary, Watkins, Nadine & Bob, the Keenagers at First Baptist Camarillo, Alden and Sue, McLellands in Alabama, aunt Bev and Edie, Brenda Bartolone, Fernando Duran, Christina Hahn, Kaytlyn Fuller, Louise Johnson, Bianca Fuller, Chelsea Nichole, Amanda Marshall, Mallory Finnerty, Rachel & Lynette Harvey, Lorraine Romero, Amanda Lawrence, the Rogers, Jennifer Franklin, Kim Nelson, Tara Sibert, Angela Jacoby, Taylor and Matt Broggie, Nate and Kim Graham, Nicole Hammond, Tiffanie Monzo, Adrienne Cazier, Kristin Guerrero, Staci Scott, Tracy and Jennifer Cook, Shannon Ashlea, Erin Williams, Erin Sheehy, Tammy Rudd, Kimmy, Jeremy Exell, Sean Matthews, Keri Bender, Heather Lease, Lisa Darby, Breezy Winters, Jennie Higgins, Brittany Chisum, Brooke and Mark Martinez, Rachel Holland, Tom & Donna, Lori Michael, Sally Andrews, Sarah Hock, Ondrea and Sean, Luncefords, Susie Dimaggio, The Thorpes, Brandon and Joanna, Kim Shannon, Brittany Volpei, Sara Allen, Tiffany Morrow.
I know more will pop up in my head as the days go on and if so I will continue to post!
I am truly blessed by you all!! YOu have made this journey beautiful and the burden light. Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus to our family!!

Slideshow

Click Here for the slideshow from Ruby Jean's Memorial Service.

A beautiful evening captured by an amazing photographer.

Thank you Anna Joy

And thank you to the sweet friends who paid to have her come!!

I love you!

Cassie, Melissa, Sue Diehl, Carol, Amy, Kelly, Stephanie & Nicole!

Beauty instead of Ashes

Isaiah 61:1-3
The Year of the LORD’s Favor

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called mighty oaks,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.


Saturday we went out to spread Ruby's ashes. Our awesome friends the Yee's have a boat so they took us out so we wouldn't have to rent one ourselves.
The day was chilly and windy and as we set out of the harbor. We were riding large swells, getting splashed all over and all I could do was crack up. I could not stop laughing. It was the kind of laughter where you couldn't catch your breathe. Like riding a roller coaster where you couldn't see the next turn or dip. It was awesome!





We decided to stop out where we were facing the pier. John liked the idea of a spot that we go to often and would always remember. The pier is where John purposed to me too, so it was extra sweet.


John and I each prayed together and thanked God for our Journey with Ruby. All that He had taught us through our short time with her. We asked Him to help us with moving forward and letting her go. That, when the time comes, He would make it plain which direction He would take our family.
John then released her. It was surreal to see her ashes resting upon the water for awhile. The idea that, that was our little girls body here and this earth. That her time here had ended and we no longer had any part of her except for the small tokens and memories.
There were no tears from me (not sure about John since he was wearing glasses). Part of me felt guilty about that, but I think I was ready for this day. I needed to say goodbye and let her go. To have a final symbol of closure. Even though the emotions are all still present from day to day, I needed to end the rituals that this world has for letting the physical body go.





We headed back to Harbor, cruised around a bit, picked up Andrea's Seafood and had a picnic on the boat as we enjoyed the afternoon. The wind died down, the air was clear and it was the perfect ending to the day. It was nice to just enjoy time with friends, laugh and kick back.



God continues to be faithful and good. I still have my moments where I can't hold back the tears. Moments where I have become angry at that "Son of Gun" third chromosome. I hate it! I'd punch it in the face if I could. I get angry that if it wasn't for one extra chromosome I'd still be pregnant planning for her to be here in just two short months. But I am always reminded that this was God's will for our Ruby Jean. And that our family was in God's perfect will through out this journey. I truly find freedom and beauty in that! HE is good!

Psalm 30

I will exalt you, LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 LORD my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
3 You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.

4 Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

6 When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
7 LORD, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain[c] stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.

8 To you, LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
9 “What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
10 Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me;
LORD, be my help.”

11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
LORD my God, I will praise you forever.

Moving Forward

Yesterday was difficult. It was the first day with no family members around, no real plans for the day but the usual schoolwork, children acting a bit cranky and fussy, chores to be done and daddy at work. I sat down that morning at the table to walk Caleb through his spelling workbook.He began throwing a fit so I sent him to his room and as I sat there I glanced at my door filled with everyones sympathy cards then glanced at our fridge with Ruby's ultrasound pictures and I broke.
I realized life was moving forward. Life was moving on for everyone, even for our own family. Even though thats what I thought I wanted, I realized at that moment that I didnt feel ready yet. I needed more time. Maybe just another day to curl up in a ball, eat chocolate and cry. Everything felt like a dream. It was like it never happened or something. Like I was just supposed to pretend our lives were not changed forever. It was just a weird moment but it was comforted by a four year olds hugs, kisses on my cheek and snuggles. I told him I was sad for Ruby but that I was going to be ok. I just needed to cry a little.
The day went on and we started working on our school work again. Playing games in the living room and having fun. I gave them a few options of some games to do next, but that didn't go over well. They both decided to throw fits and create drama. So I sent them to their room with a giant lack of gentleness and kindness. I was too tired to even deal with it. Then this overwhelming thought came over me "Are we back to where we were before?" "Am I the same person I was months ago?" "I thought the Lord had changed my heart?" "Why was a heading back down a road I thought I had already traveled?"
I texted some friends to pray then headed to the Lord in prayer. Told Him how much I wanted to move forward with all the knowledge and wisdom He had bestowed upon me. That I needed His spirit to fill me and that I couldn't do this day without Him.
I brought the boys back to me one at a time. Apologized for, not what I said, but how I said it. Explained that I am still sad about Ruby and it comes out funny sometimes but that I need them to help me get through these days. That we are a team and I need them to keep me going! We prayed and decided that outdoor school work sounded way more fun.
We went out to our patch of grass, played math games outside, had a picnic and Caleb read us some BOB books.
As we headed in I grabbed the mail and I wish I didn't.
Today was the day I got my "Explanation of Benefits" from our Insurance with our amount we will owe the hospital.
I froze dead in my tracks. I texted a bunch more friends for more prayer to get me through the day. But I just kinda sat on the couch a bit handicapped. Of all the days for us to get this bill, it had to be today.
I got some sweet texts back and phone calls from awesome friends and even had a great visit with Corinna, who came over to bring me chocolate and Dr Pepper (my version of "I NEED A DRINK!"). We chatted and since Corinna has gone through this 6 months ago, it was nice to get her perspective on things.

I know there will be really hard days to come. Moments when I won't want to move forward, where I will feel like this season of my life has no end. But I need to remind myself to take life one day at a time and my day one moment at a time. And Monday was a good reminder that in the midst of a really rough day The Lord chose to give me sweet moments. Kisses from a four year old, prayers with my boys, flash card tag, picnic with the boys, sweet texts all day from my hubby, chocolate from a good friend, a nap, and lots of knock knock jokes.
He is always present, active and will continue to walk me through this journey even when everyone else's life moves forward

no title

Its been two weeks tomorrow and to be honest Im not exactly sure what to say on here.
We have kept very busy the last two weeks. We have cherished time with Johns parents. The boys had not seen them in almost two years. Their time here was too short but extra sweet. We look forward to flying to see them for Christmas. My dad was able to be here for a week which was an awesome gift! And my mom and lil sis are here till the 15th. So blessed to have them keep me company while John started work again. Dear friends of mine put on a surprise "Shower of Love" for me, where they shared with me pictures, messages of love, scripture and placed it in an album for me to treasure! I was completely surprised...and I never get surprised! I've been pampered with manicures, pedicures, lunch dates, and lots of love.
The process the passed two weeks has been ok. God continues to bless us with peace and comfort but we, of course, still have our moments. Moments where I am just frustrated or annoyed, with no real reason. Where any "little" thing can make me burst into tears, make me feel out of control or just plain sad. I realize that the grief I have is "ruby" but it comes out in other forms.
We are both tired...all the time. With the time change, we assumed we'd feel more rested, but we don't. We would both just prefer to sleep the day away. Another form that grief is taking.
I picked up Ruby's ashes on Tuesday, at the funeral home, all by myself. I thought it would be difficult but I think I compartmentalize everything. I can make that experience a business transaction and not allow myself to "go there". I was in a denial that what I was doing was actually picking up what was left of my daughter on this earth. That other then our memories and pictures, this is all that is left. But the experience did feel surreal. It hurts my heart to think about it but ultimately I trust her new body will be complete perfection and I cannot wait to experience her that way.
John and I hope to spread her ashes, just the two of us, soon. To give ourselves that time to say goodbye once again and let her go. I know it will be difficult but God continues to bring beauty from the ashes time and time again through this experience so we know He will again.
Thank you again for your continued prayers and please do not stop!
I know our posts may be few and far between but we promise to continue to update you all through our continued journey. We hope to have pictures soon to share with you as well as more of how God is teaching us through this process!

Gratefulness

Yesterday was a thing of beauty. John and I invited our close family and friends to an evening of reflection and thankfulness. We held Rubies private memorial service in the backyard of our dear friends the Seeks. We wanted to have those closest to us come. To tell them how thankful we were for them. For their love and support through this journey. And celebrate what God had done through our sweet Ruby. We knew there were many more that we could've invited but we wanted to make it as intimate as possible.
We both were blessed to share the miracles Our God had performed these last few months and even in this last year and half. We were able to capture the night on film as well as have an amazing photographer come and take pictures. We will soon have photos of the evening as well as our hospital stay with Ruby Jean on here soon. So stay tuned.
I did want to share about one gift I received last night from my sister Corban. She had been looking for a ruby pendant or ring to give to me and had been having a difficult time. So yesterday she went to a jeweler here in Ojai who told her the only thing she had was a "an 18k baby ring, set with two rubies and a garnet in the center" the jeweler found it odd to have a ring like that. "Those two stones are usually never put together because they are similar in color". She also said she has had this ring for five years and no one had shown interest.
Well Ruby's due date is in January, the same month as my birthday. So our birth stone is garnet.
The Lord had set aside for five years a baby ring, a memento for my sister to find the day of her memorial service. Such an amazing treasure to find! I am so grateful that she found another gem for me to keep as a symbol of Ruby's time with me. It's so personal and so perfect! Thanks Corban