Yesterday was difficult. It was the first day with no family members around, no real plans for the day but the usual schoolwork, children acting a bit cranky and fussy, chores to be done and daddy at work. I sat down that morning at the table to walk Caleb through his spelling workbook.He began throwing a fit so I sent him to his room and as I sat there I glanced at my door filled with everyones sympathy cards then glanced at our fridge with Ruby's ultrasound pictures and I broke.
I realized life was moving forward. Life was moving on for everyone, even for our own family. Even though thats what I thought I wanted, I realized at that moment that I didnt feel ready yet. I needed more time. Maybe just another day to curl up in a ball, eat chocolate and cry. Everything felt like a dream. It was like it never happened or something. Like I was just supposed to pretend our lives were not changed forever. It was just a weird moment but it was comforted by a four year olds hugs, kisses on my cheek and snuggles. I told him I was sad for Ruby but that I was going to be ok. I just needed to cry a little.
The day went on and we started working on our school work again. Playing games in the living room and having fun. I gave them a few options of some games to do next, but that didn't go over well. They both decided to throw fits and create drama. So I sent them to their room with a giant lack of gentleness and kindness. I was too tired to even deal with it. Then this overwhelming thought came over me "Are we back to where we were before?" "Am I the same person I was months ago?" "I thought the Lord had changed my heart?" "Why was a heading back down a road I thought I had already traveled?"
I texted some friends to pray then headed to the Lord in prayer. Told Him how much I wanted to move forward with all the knowledge and wisdom He had bestowed upon me. That I needed His spirit to fill me and that I couldn't do this day without Him.
I brought the boys back to me one at a time. Apologized for, not what I said, but how I said it. Explained that I am still sad about Ruby and it comes out funny sometimes but that I need them to help me get through these days. That we are a team and I need them to keep me going! We prayed and decided that outdoor school work sounded way more fun.
We went out to our patch of grass, played math games outside, had a picnic and Caleb read us some BOB books.
As we headed in I grabbed the mail and I wish I didn't.
Today was the day I got my "Explanation of Benefits" from our Insurance with our amount we will owe the hospital.
I froze dead in my tracks. I texted a bunch more friends for more prayer to get me through the day. But I just kinda sat on the couch a bit handicapped. Of all the days for us to get this bill, it had to be today.
I got some sweet texts back and phone calls from awesome friends and even had a great visit with Corinna, who came over to bring me chocolate and Dr Pepper (my version of "I NEED A DRINK!"). We chatted and since Corinna has gone through this 6 months ago, it was nice to get her perspective on things.
I know there will be really hard days to come. Moments when I won't want to move forward, where I will feel like this season of my life has no end. But I need to remind myself to take life one day at a time and my day one moment at a time. And Monday was a good reminder that in the midst of a really rough day The Lord chose to give me sweet moments. Kisses from a four year old, prayers with my boys, flash card tag, picnic with the boys, sweet texts all day from my hubby, chocolate from a good friend, a nap, and lots of knock knock jokes.
He is always present, active and will continue to walk me through this journey even when everyone else's life moves forward