I decided that I wanted to make sure to capture our journey as whole through pictures. I plan on making this blog an album and thought it would be extra sweet to keep a slide show as well. Looking back at these photos it almost feels like our time with her was ages ago and then I have days like today where I feel like it was only yesterday. I miss her today. Knowing she would have been in our arms already. Our life would be consumed with diapers, lack of sleep, cuddles and a general lack of daily hygiene. But that just wasn't what the Lord had for us. Ruby is safe in His arms and I pray they are both in joyful expectation of this new little one in our family. If Ruby was in our arms this new little one would never be. So I rejoice in His perfect plan. I eagerly await this new life and cannot wait to see his or her personality, character and spirit. How, soon we will never imagine life before this babe.
My recent morning sickness with this pregnancy has brought me to a very contemplative state. I remember now what it was like when I was sick with Ruby. What an emotionally exhausting time it was to be ill all day, incapable of doing the normal daily routine, but I have been drawn to my knees (in more ways then one). I have come to praise God during my dry heaves, Thank Him when all I can do is curl in a ball, and rest in Him when my house is just completely out of control. To rejoice in this temporary suffering in hopes of a healthy sweet babe to soon be in our arms.
I am blessed by these photos. Moments captured in time so that even when my memory fades these pictures won't. May I always remember the beautiful, miraculous, breathe taking moments in our Journey with Ruby.
(side note: there is a photo of her in this album. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of seeing a deceased babe please be warned. I felt comfortable enough to share her with you because I find that God is in every detail and the fact the He always knew she would never use this body, yet he formed her. He knit her together and allowed her mother and father to study her every detail)
Press pause the on the music below!
click the button on the bottom right of the screen for a bigger picture
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
More details
So for those of you who have just found out about our very exciting and surprising news, we thought we'd give you a little more details on what Gods been doing. Every other week or so John and I will ask eachother, "So whatcha thinkin? You see us trying again or moving forward with adoption?" Every time we come to realize that until our desire for Ruby passes or at least fades a little, we weren't ready to give an answer. But within the last couple of weeks the conversation has come up more and even talks about baby names. I had told John about 3 weeks ago that my desire for another baby was stronger then my desire for adoption. I found it odd only because I have wanted to adopt my whole life! And we still intend to:)
A couple of days later I had spent some much needed time with the Lord. He had revealed to me that I tend to plan my life and wait for the Lord to intervene where He needs. But that I needed to have more of a heart like David's. One who would seek the Lords direction before taking another step. Desiring that the Lord direct our steps. I asked to John to committ to praying with me for a time in hopes that the Lord would reveal to us His desire for our family. I desired complete confirmation. No doubt that this is what the Lord wanted for our family.
It was two days later that we found out we were expecting. CONFIRMATION!
Our new babe will be expected to arrive September of 2012
September 12th 2011 we found out about Rubies diagnosis. September was the month our world was flipped upside down. So how much more beautiful for the Lord to restore that month to us. It will also be the month John and I will celebrate our 10 year anniversary.
We are so awestruck by the Lords timing and goodness. His overwhelming presence and all sufficient spirit reminds us that He is active and desires to provide for His children. He cared for our medical expenses, such a dad thing to do, and I believe gave us this new life at a time when we were mourning the loss of another. He is a gracious and loving Father and we are blessed to be His children.
Romans 8:17
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
1 Peter 1: 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
A couple of days later I had spent some much needed time with the Lord. He had revealed to me that I tend to plan my life and wait for the Lord to intervene where He needs. But that I needed to have more of a heart like David's. One who would seek the Lords direction before taking another step. Desiring that the Lord direct our steps. I asked to John to committ to praying with me for a time in hopes that the Lord would reveal to us His desire for our family. I desired complete confirmation. No doubt that this is what the Lord wanted for our family.
It was two days later that we found out we were expecting. CONFIRMATION!
Our new babe will be expected to arrive September of 2012
September 12th 2011 we found out about Rubies diagnosis. September was the month our world was flipped upside down. So how much more beautiful for the Lord to restore that month to us. It will also be the month John and I will celebrate our 10 year anniversary.
We are so awestruck by the Lords timing and goodness. His overwhelming presence and all sufficient spirit reminds us that He is active and desires to provide for His children. He cared for our medical expenses, such a dad thing to do, and I believe gave us this new life at a time when we were mourning the loss of another. He is a gracious and loving Father and we are blessed to be His children.
Romans 8:17
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
1 Peter 1: 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Due Date...
Read this post in its entirety:
John here. Back in June, the evening before I left for Africa, we found out we were pregnant. What a surprise! And what began, was a journey that we never asked to embark on. We looked forward to January 21, 2012, as the mile marker to welcome our new little one into the world. We dreamed of her. We longed to meet her. We eagerly anticipated the blessed moment when she would emerge from the womb, exercise her fragile lungs for the first time and issue forth the first melting cries of new birth. We looked forward to January 21, 2012 as a day to be remembered and not forgotten, a day of joy and praises, a day of love and tears and laughter and life.
Understandably, most of you who have been following this blog or who are personally involved in our day to day lives, know how we have anticipated and dreaded this day ever since we learned of Ruby's condition back in September. It's amazing to see how a simple date can carry with it so much anticipation and expectant joy. And it's amazing to see how, in a literal skipped heartbeat, that simple date can become something so far removed.
Time marches on and here we are. Looking back on the journey that God has taken us on, we are nothing short of grateful. I didn't know what the tone of this post would be today, but I know that in hindsight, I can vaguely but confidently see the hand of God working a new birth in our hearts.
Ruby's diagnosis was complete surprise which we were not prepared for. Yet we tangibly saw and felt the Fathering hand of our loving Heavenly Father from beginning to end. As we watched Ruby's heart slowly fail and fade away, we felt our hearts being strengthened by Holy Spirit's work of comfort and help. As we learned of all the many inadequacies of Ruby's little body under Trisomy 18, we learned of the all-surpassing power and all-sufficient grace of our Lord Jesus Christ...that He is enough to carry our broken bodies. We were never blessed to hear Ruby's voice or her first cries, yet God has indeed placed a new song in our hearts and countless more reasons to sing. And even though Ruby never got to use her fragile lungs, we can see how He has breathed new life into us, preparing us to breathe the sweet atmosphere of Heaven, for the first time.
January 21, 2012, God has done a new birth and breathed new life into our hearts. In wonder and awe and with worshipful abandon...we are eternally grateful.
How surpassingly great it is to know Christ Jesus my Lord, and to be found in Him! For on this January 21, 2012, we are celebrating all the more...
We are five weeks along...and eagerly expecting greater things from the Giver of Life. September 21, 2012...
John here. Back in June, the evening before I left for Africa, we found out we were pregnant. What a surprise! And what began, was a journey that we never asked to embark on. We looked forward to January 21, 2012, as the mile marker to welcome our new little one into the world. We dreamed of her. We longed to meet her. We eagerly anticipated the blessed moment when she would emerge from the womb, exercise her fragile lungs for the first time and issue forth the first melting cries of new birth. We looked forward to January 21, 2012 as a day to be remembered and not forgotten, a day of joy and praises, a day of love and tears and laughter and life.
Understandably, most of you who have been following this blog or who are personally involved in our day to day lives, know how we have anticipated and dreaded this day ever since we learned of Ruby's condition back in September. It's amazing to see how a simple date can carry with it so much anticipation and expectant joy. And it's amazing to see how, in a literal skipped heartbeat, that simple date can become something so far removed.
Time marches on and here we are. Looking back on the journey that God has taken us on, we are nothing short of grateful. I didn't know what the tone of this post would be today, but I know that in hindsight, I can vaguely but confidently see the hand of God working a new birth in our hearts.
Ruby's diagnosis was complete surprise which we were not prepared for. Yet we tangibly saw and felt the Fathering hand of our loving Heavenly Father from beginning to end. As we watched Ruby's heart slowly fail and fade away, we felt our hearts being strengthened by Holy Spirit's work of comfort and help. As we learned of all the many inadequacies of Ruby's little body under Trisomy 18, we learned of the all-surpassing power and all-sufficient grace of our Lord Jesus Christ...that He is enough to carry our broken bodies. We were never blessed to hear Ruby's voice or her first cries, yet God has indeed placed a new song in our hearts and countless more reasons to sing. And even though Ruby never got to use her fragile lungs, we can see how He has breathed new life into us, preparing us to breathe the sweet atmosphere of Heaven, for the first time.
January 21, 2012, God has done a new birth and breathed new life into our hearts. In wonder and awe and with worshipful abandon...we are eternally grateful.
How surpassingly great it is to know Christ Jesus my Lord, and to be found in Him! For on this January 21, 2012, we are celebrating all the more...
We are five weeks along...and eagerly expecting greater things from the Giver of Life. September 21, 2012...
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Change of Plans
I am awe struck how God not only has answered John and my prayers through this journey of losing our sweet baby girl but He goes above and beyond!
Since I have lost Ruby I have been told of several other women who have been diagnosed with Trisomy 18. It breaks my heart to hear that others will experience the heartache of knowing, that the plans they once had for their unborn babes future would be forever changed. That they may never watch their little one take their first step or say their first word. But I praise Jesus for those who, although terrified, choose life and continue with their pregnancy, uncertain of the outcome of their unborn child. For so many who do not choose life they may have missed an opportunity to actually meet & experience life with the baby that was knit together in their womb. It may be for a short time but to actually meet your sweet babe would be something no one should ever trade in!
God's perfect plan for Ruby Jean was to take her before she ever opened her eyes, breathed her first breathe, or said her first cry in this world. But Gods perfect plan was different for Rosalie.
I met Rosalie's Mommy, Maria, through my blog. She found my blog somehow after recently finding out, in her 8th month, that Rosalie had Trisomy 18. She left a comment on one of my posts, and being the creepy internet stalker that I am, I found that she had also started a blog to record her thoughts and experiences. Rosalie was due at the end of November. So I checked her blog almost everyday through the month of December waiting to hear anything. I had heard through the grapevine that a woman who delivered at CMH gave birth to a beautiful baby girl with Trisomy 18 and that she was doing amazing. That they had even sent her home!! I prayed that that would be Maria. I hoped that she would have the chance to meet her sweet baby girl and spend days watching her learn and, God willing, grow! A few days ago I checked her blog to find out that Rosalie is alive and well! Maria was blessed with the chance to love, snuggle, and cherish her sweet Rosalie. It brought such unexplainable emotions to my hearts and tears to my eyes to see Rosalie's face. To be honest, I saw so much of Ruby in her, but I also saw a PICTURE PERFECT BABY. I didn't see any signs of trisomy on Rosalie. They may be all internal but externally she looks nothing short of perfect. I praise the Lord that He continues to use our story and allows it to trickle into the lives of others. I may never meet Maria in person or Rosalie for that matter but I know that we will forever be connected through the stories of our sweet baby girls.
To read Rosalie's story please visit : Change of Plans
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Praise Him from whom all blessings flow
Our Holidays were fabulous! Our family was blessed to be able to travel to Alabama to spend time with family for Christmas and New Years. It was a beautiful time to laugh, play, rest and relax. We cannot thank our families enough for getting us out there. We could not have done it without you all or should I say "Ya'll".
Biggest Praise of ALL
I write this with tears in my eyes:
Due to two fundraisers and AMAZING friends and family we have been able to payoff all of our medical bills so far!!! GOD IS SO GOOD!! He has used present & past church family, close friends, cousins, aunts and uncles, parents, siblings, friends I haven't spoken to in years, and complete strangers to provide everything we need!!
We realize bills may continue to trickle in in the next couple months but we trust that God will take care of even that! I am completely humbled by the outpouring of love we have been shown. I cannot thank everyone enough for the weight that has been lifted off our shoulders. We are truly in awe of those who so willingly followed God's leading and gave.
THANK YOU!!!!!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Holiday Ramblings and Updates
This will not be an eloquent post by any means, just the randomness in my heart and the updates that some have not yet heard!
1.)The Holidays have hit with full force and we have dove right in.
Christmas parties, cookie/ginger bread house decorating, Christmas light drives through town, crafting, baking, Christmas books each night, parade of lights, wrapping, shopping, Christmas play at church...the list goes on.
I have been asked if the Holidays have been hard and my response is "No". Don't get me wrong, the mourning process isn't easy. Like John just previously posted, we have our days and moments that are incredibly difficult. But the Christmas season doesn't make it harder or more difficult. In fact, I am grateful that we have this "season" to keep our thoughts and lives a little busier and more distracted. I have chosen to remember that if Ruby was good and healthy she wouldn't be here yet anyway. I would just be super uncomfortable and probably a little cranky.
But we do dwell on her. We have tokens of her all over our home. Small things to remind us that she is a part of our family and holds a huge place in our day to day lives. A reminder of what God has and continues to do in our lives.
2.)Since Ruby has passed I have been contacted about 3 different women with Trisomy 18. They have either randomly found my blog or a friend of a friend. God continues to lay it on my heart that this may not be the end of Ruby's journey but only the beginning. That He may have something greater in mind for her journey and that if I listen closely and hold tight to His word that He will lead me to a greater ministry. I don't want to jump ahead of Him, so as I wait I will continue to be on my knees for so many out there who have or will lose their unborn babe.
3.) Since Rubys passing (8 weeks ago) I have also had 7 different friends give birth to healthy baby girls!! 7!!
BUT I PRAISE GOD! As crazy as it sounds there has not been one ounce of bitterness, sadness, anger or mourning through the announcements of these brand new baby girls. I can only chalk that up to a Gracious Father who has equipped me for everything I need during this time. He has given me an eternal perspective and a mind that has allowed me to comprehend that this is HIS perfect will for our lives and His perfect will for theirs.
HE IS GOOD!
4.) We have never been more blessed by the outpouring of friends and family this last month!! Financial help has POURED in and we are awestruck, especially during the holiday season! We can never thank you all enough for your love, prayers, friendship, gifts, and support through this time.
We are super close to paying off ALL of our medical bills!! I can not even begin to tell you how good that feels. The mountain seemed to high to climb but with all of your hands pulling us up we are a few more steps to the very peak.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
5.) We leave for Alabama on Monday and we could not be more excited! With the help of our family, they are flying the 4 of us out to celebrate the Holidays together. A much needed trip for us to get away and enjoy family. And maybe a time for us to get new perspectives, new hopes, new dreams for our future!
6.) Our God is faithful, Good, True to His Word, Kind, Compassionate, the list could go on FOREVER..I just pray I never forget that!
When the LORD brought back the captive ones of Zion,
We were like those who dream.
2 Then our mouth was filled with laughter
And our tongue with joyful shouting;
Then they said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
3 The LORD has done great things for us;
We are glad.
4 Restore our captivity, O LORD,
As the streams in the South.
5 Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.
6 He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed,
Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.
Psalm 126
Sunday, December 18, 2011
I Confess...
John here...
I confess that I don't really know what to write about. I guess this is therapy. All I know is that the boys are in bed, Cristin is in bed, and having done the dishes, I'm wide awake and restless...again. Overwhelmingly, I'm scared. I can't quite figure out the reason. I mean, this past Monday was a huge show of support and love from hundreds of faces we recognized and met for the first time. All this week, we have been checking the mail to find bills and gifts and Christmas cards and letters of love and comfort and joy. We even got to celebrate with dear friends at the birth of their little girl as we prepare to celebrate another new birth this week. So much happening, so much love and so much joy. So where is this feeling of fear coming from?
I remember as a preteen, camping with my family at Carpenteria State Beach. I remember it well because that was the time I got acquainted with the Amtrak railway system. I woke up in my tent in the dead of night, reeling and straining to catch my bearings as a midnight train came barreling down the tracks just yards from our campsite. Having never been close to a moving locomotive before and having not known that we were camping so close to the train tracks, the terrible harmony of hardened steel and unstoppable power woke me from my slumber and sent me into a state of confusion and fear.
Funny thing is that what I remember most about that experience wasn't just the rude awakening or the fear and confusion in the midst of the calamity...but the deafening silence after.
I think I have feared this period of grief above all others, even from the beginning. I confess, it feels as though a freight train has come barreling through our home rudely unannounced. It has come and gone, and now all is quiet. I feel it when the boys go days without mentioning it. I feel it when the romance between Cristin and I dissipates literally overnight. I feel it when there are moments when we simply don't have words for one another. We knew the world would keep turning...as it should. But now comes the awful season of continuing, one day at a time. And the 'how' in all of it, is quite murky.
I want to glorify God. I want to boldly lead my family through the fog, up the bleak side of the hill, with all the confidence and wisdom Holy Spirit so lavishly imparts. But I confess, all is quiet. And I confess...I'm scared.
But I guess that's what courage is all about. I guess courage carries the obvious truth that you are scared, but you move anyway. And, as stated in an earlier post, going up the bleak side of the hill may be difficult and scary at times, but take heart. Your Great Companion will not fail. He will not leave you. He will never forsake you. He has walked the hill before, and He knows the way to glory.
I want Ruby so badly. As much as I may try and prove to myself that all is well, in my heart, there are these moments of longing. Listening to the sound of hardened steel and unstoppable power fade away in the distance, I am left in silence. But my Lord, He beckons, calling me to press on. Put one foot in front of the other and walk with Him.
"All the way my Savior leads me / Cheers each winding path I tread / Gives me grace for every trial / Feeds me with the Living Bread"
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
400 west
Monday night was truly magical. We were beyond blessed when some dear friends of ours, the Morris's, called and told us they were putting on an art show, displaying art & music from locals. A place for them to come and show off their gifts and a place for others to come marvel and shop a little! It was also their annual Christmas party combined. This is their second art show that they have hosted in their awesome home and they want to make sure do donate some of the artists proceeds to a cause every time. This time we were the cause. We were humbled at the turnout especially because 90% of them we had never met before.
They let us have a table to set up Ruby's things along with a donation jar, then had John and I share our story with the group. John even got to play his music!
The night was a nothing short of beautiful. Beautiful people, beautiful work, beautiful weather, beautiful generousity.
John and I were shocked at the gifts that were given to our humble family.
Another nice dent in our hospital bills. PRAISE JESUS!! Along with a new necklace that I will truly treasure and a $100 gift card for a bed and breakfast, icing on the cake!
We cannot thank the Morris's enough along with friends, family and complete strangers that came out that night!!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Good News Bad News
Good News:We had a very successful yard sale this weekend. So many amazing friends donated items to fill our yard. We had a great turn out of shoppers and along with a very generous donor we were able to raise $500!!
So Monday I called all of the Dr offices as well as the hospital. I called to negotiate and see if any of them could work with us in dropping the rate if we paid in full.
Good news: one office took 20% off and I was able to pay that right off
Bad news: The hospital and the other bill could do nothing for us but set up a payment plan, and even then they wanted more then we could give monthly.
Bad news: We are expecting more bills
Good News: We trust in Gods provision and timing and know that this amount of money is a drop in the bucket for Him. We also know that with a Benefit Art Show coming up and hopefully a Clothing Swap in January we may be able to make huge dents in these bills.
Bad News: unfortunately, being "me", I get a bit overwhelmed and sad.
Sad that this may be a monthly reminder for us for possibly several months to possibly several years.
Sad that paying down debt that we have is taking a back seat.
And sad that if we chose to have another baby this is an amount we would most likely have to face again.
It just bums me out but it doesn't make me feel defeated. "Struck down but not Destroyed."
Just another reminder and process that we must endure....AND don't even get me started on the postpartum weight....ugh!!!
Prayer is much appreciated!
Monday, December 5, 2011
I never know whats going to set off the water works
I was scrolling through one of my favorite sites and I came across this image. I was struck by it and my heart began to melt.
Something about not seeing this little girls face but just her sweet brown hair pulled back and her adorable little outfit brought me to tears. I realized that's exactly how I would've dressed Ruby. How I always imagined in my mind what my little girl would look like from the back. I love that I cannot see her face. That I will always wonder what she would've looked like growing up.
People have asked from time to time if we plan on "trying again" or moving forward with adoption. And at this point we really have no idea. We are not quite ready to make any decisions as of yet cause I believe we still really want Ruby. We don't want anyone else to replace her. We want her.
I found my pregnancy journal that I had when I was prego with Jackson. I pulled out a piece of paper that had a list of boy names and girl names. We had, our youth group at the time, vote for their favorite name or they could add names to the bottom. At the top of the girl list was Ruby Jean. We have longed to call our little girl that since before the Lord formed her. We knew if we had a girl that would be her name. And at this point I dont want to come up with any other names for a little girl or boy for that matter. I want RUBY JEAN.
I know that Lord has great plans for our family. I don't have any idea what that might be yet, but we trust in His timing and perfect will for our future. That He would prepare us mentally, emotionally, spiritually for our families next step. That if He desires for us to become pregnant again He will equip us with everything we need and give us the hearts that desire it! That if He desires for us to adopt that He will bless us with overwhelming peace and confirmation to move forward. But we do not want to make plans of our own until we are confirmed. Pray for us. For timing, patience, clarity, confirmation, peace, contentment and trust.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
one month ago today
We held our little lady for the first and last time on this earth
We cried and prayed over her
We counted her fingers and toes
We marveled at how detailed our Sweet Jesus had made her body
We thanked Him for how He used her to change our lives forever
We went through the most heartbreaking and beautiful experience of our lives
A month ago today.... We delivered out sweet babe into the arms of the Father.
Monday, November 21, 2011
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
I was scolded by many to not write and mail out "Thank You" cards to everyone that took part in our journey with Ruby. And if I did chances are it would add up to about 200 cards. So instead I chose to write out a few to those who don't read this blog and still like getting mail and to the rest of you I thought I'd type it out here!
Its in no particular order and I don't think I can list what each individual actually did for me cause it would take a long time! But you know who you are and your LOVE and KINDNESS did not go unnoticed. However BIG or small, we pondered it all in our hearts!
PLEASE forgive me if I left anyone out!
WE HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR!
Grammie and Papa, Grandma, Grandpa and Auntie Cay, Auntie Coco, Aunt Becky, G.G., Ojai Pregnancy Center, Arlene & Rosemary, Jessica and Ryan Moore, Jaclyn, Jan and Elaine Tisdale, Grandmommy and Granddaddy, The Seeks, Virginia Hill, Janae & Ryan, Chad and Christy, Joe and Corinna, Devo & Chelsea, Kristen & Jodi Plum, Uncle Justin and Auntie Sarah, Kim Morrison, Nadine Goodwin, Carol Eiland, Michelle Smith, Melissa Stone, Nicole Wenger, Amy Tromans, Kelly Hester, Stephanie Staniland, Shannon Snyder, Jim and Denise Lawhead, Jenny Dilbeck, Sue Diehl, Lindsey Carpenter, Sue Dudley, Cassie and Jeff Lawhead, Nancy Dilbeck, Kristina & Andon Petit, Phillipe and Debbie Mathieu, Mike and Retha Nordyke, Todd & Tracy Robison, Zac & Jess Cannon, Brandy and Ivan Gregory, Nikki & Jesse Clark, Holly Doden, Jana and Allen Fletcher, Doug & Aimee, Matt and Erin, Jamie and Kevin, Amy Atkinson, Aaron Bird, Javai & Brittany Fletcher, Jenny Allen, Brian & Danielle Giersch, Cara Hughes, Courtney Kresge, Tim & Debbie Kresge, The Hasbrouks, Sam & Martha Starkweather, Denise Sponsellar, Nancy Clover, Mary Smith, Our amazing deacon board at our church, Lettie Vaglica, Josiah and Crista Morris, Danielle and Ryan Axtell, Darian O Brien, Tracy VanAtta, The staff at Community Memorial Hospital, Dr Green, Jennifer Malone, Vickie Mumma, Jeremy & Amy Allen, Ty and Jerri Hardman, Jillian and Rick Lawson, Josh and Jess Agadoni, Joyce Snyder, Kathleen, Tami & Debra, Katina Burgen, the Daltos, Michala & France Hayes, First Baptist Church of Ojai, Ojai Valley Baptist Church, First Southern Baptist Church Porterville, Erlanger Baptist Church in Kentucky, Community Bible Church Ventura, Cornerstone Baptist in Alabama, Joe & Drenda Pledgers, the Brookes, Rohweller, Richard and Mary, Watkins, Nadine & Bob, the Keenagers at First Baptist Camarillo, Alden and Sue, McLellands in Alabama, aunt Bev and Edie, Brenda Bartolone, Fernando Duran, Christina Hahn, Kaytlyn Fuller, Louise Johnson, Bianca Fuller, Chelsea Nichole, Amanda Marshall, Mallory Finnerty, Rachel & Lynette Harvey, Lorraine Romero, Amanda Lawrence, the Rogers, Jennifer Franklin, Kim Nelson, Tara Sibert, Angela Jacoby, Taylor and Matt Broggie, Nate and Kim Graham, Nicole Hammond, Tiffanie Monzo, Adrienne Cazier, Kristin Guerrero, Staci Scott, Tracy and Jennifer Cook, Shannon Ashlea, Erin Williams, Erin Sheehy, Tammy Rudd, Kimmy, Jeremy Exell, Sean Matthews, Keri Bender, Heather Lease, Lisa Darby, Breezy Winters, Jennie Higgins, Brittany Chisum, Brooke and Mark Martinez, Rachel Holland, Tom & Donna, Lori Michael, Sally Andrews, Sarah Hock, Ondrea and Sean, Luncefords, Susie Dimaggio, The Thorpes, Brandon and Joanna, Kim Shannon, Brittany Volpei, Sara Allen, Tiffany Morrow.
I know more will pop up in my head as the days go on and if so I will continue to post!
I am truly blessed by you all!! YOu have made this journey beautiful and the burden light. Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus to our family!!
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Beauty instead of Ashes
Isaiah 61:1-3
The Year of the LORD’s Favor
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called mighty oaks,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
Saturday we went out to spread Ruby's ashes. Our awesome friends the Yee's have a boat so they took us out so we wouldn't have to rent one ourselves.
The day was chilly and windy and as we set out of the harbor. We were riding large swells, getting splashed all over and all I could do was crack up. I could not stop laughing. It was the kind of laughter where you couldn't catch your breathe. Like riding a roller coaster where you couldn't see the next turn or dip. It was awesome!
We decided to stop out where we were facing the pier. John liked the idea of a spot that we go to often and would always remember. The pier is where John purposed to me too, so it was extra sweet.
John and I each prayed together and thanked God for our Journey with Ruby. All that He had taught us through our short time with her. We asked Him to help us with moving forward and letting her go. That, when the time comes, He would make it plain which direction He would take our family.
John then released her. It was surreal to see her ashes resting upon the water for awhile. The idea that, that was our little girls body here and this earth. That her time here had ended and we no longer had any part of her except for the small tokens and memories.
There were no tears from me (not sure about John since he was wearing glasses). Part of me felt guilty about that, but I think I was ready for this day. I needed to say goodbye and let her go. To have a final symbol of closure. Even though the emotions are all still present from day to day, I needed to end the rituals that this world has for letting the physical body go.
We headed back to Harbor, cruised around a bit, picked up Andrea's Seafood and had a picnic on the boat as we enjoyed the afternoon. The wind died down, the air was clear and it was the perfect ending to the day. It was nice to just enjoy time with friends, laugh and kick back.
God continues to be faithful and good. I still have my moments where I can't hold back the tears. Moments where I have become angry at that "Son of Gun" third chromosome. I hate it! I'd punch it in the face if I could. I get angry that if it wasn't for one extra chromosome I'd still be pregnant planning for her to be here in just two short months. But I am always reminded that this was God's will for our Ruby Jean. And that our family was in God's perfect will through out this journey. I truly find freedom and beauty in that! HE is good!
The Year of the LORD’s Favor
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called mighty oaks,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
Saturday we went out to spread Ruby's ashes. Our awesome friends the Yee's have a boat so they took us out so we wouldn't have to rent one ourselves.
The day was chilly and windy and as we set out of the harbor. We were riding large swells, getting splashed all over and all I could do was crack up. I could not stop laughing. It was the kind of laughter where you couldn't catch your breathe. Like riding a roller coaster where you couldn't see the next turn or dip. It was awesome!
We decided to stop out where we were facing the pier. John liked the idea of a spot that we go to often and would always remember. The pier is where John purposed to me too, so it was extra sweet.
John and I each prayed together and thanked God for our Journey with Ruby. All that He had taught us through our short time with her. We asked Him to help us with moving forward and letting her go. That, when the time comes, He would make it plain which direction He would take our family.
John then released her. It was surreal to see her ashes resting upon the water for awhile. The idea that, that was our little girls body here and this earth. That her time here had ended and we no longer had any part of her except for the small tokens and memories.
There were no tears from me (not sure about John since he was wearing glasses). Part of me felt guilty about that, but I think I was ready for this day. I needed to say goodbye and let her go. To have a final symbol of closure. Even though the emotions are all still present from day to day, I needed to end the rituals that this world has for letting the physical body go.
We headed back to Harbor, cruised around a bit, picked up Andrea's Seafood and had a picnic on the boat as we enjoyed the afternoon. The wind died down, the air was clear and it was the perfect ending to the day. It was nice to just enjoy time with friends, laugh and kick back.
God continues to be faithful and good. I still have my moments where I can't hold back the tears. Moments where I have become angry at that "Son of Gun" third chromosome. I hate it! I'd punch it in the face if I could. I get angry that if it wasn't for one extra chromosome I'd still be pregnant planning for her to be here in just two short months. But I am always reminded that this was God's will for our Ruby Jean. And that our family was in God's perfect will through out this journey. I truly find freedom and beauty in that! HE is good!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Psalm 30
I will exalt you, LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 LORD my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
3 You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.
4 Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
6 When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
7 LORD, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain[c] stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
8 To you, LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
9 “What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
10 Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me;
LORD, be my help.”
11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
LORD my God, I will praise you forever.
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 LORD my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
3 You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.
4 Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
6 When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
7 LORD, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain[c] stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
8 To you, LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
9 “What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
10 Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me;
LORD, be my help.”
11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
LORD my God, I will praise you forever.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Moving Forward
Yesterday was difficult. It was the first day with no family members around, no real plans for the day but the usual schoolwork, children acting a bit cranky and fussy, chores to be done and daddy at work. I sat down that morning at the table to walk Caleb through his spelling workbook.He began throwing a fit so I sent him to his room and as I sat there I glanced at my door filled with everyones sympathy cards then glanced at our fridge with Ruby's ultrasound pictures and I broke.
I realized life was moving forward. Life was moving on for everyone, even for our own family. Even though thats what I thought I wanted, I realized at that moment that I didnt feel ready yet. I needed more time. Maybe just another day to curl up in a ball, eat chocolate and cry. Everything felt like a dream. It was like it never happened or something. Like I was just supposed to pretend our lives were not changed forever. It was just a weird moment but it was comforted by a four year olds hugs, kisses on my cheek and snuggles. I told him I was sad for Ruby but that I was going to be ok. I just needed to cry a little.
The day went on and we started working on our school work again. Playing games in the living room and having fun. I gave them a few options of some games to do next, but that didn't go over well. They both decided to throw fits and create drama. So I sent them to their room with a giant lack of gentleness and kindness. I was too tired to even deal with it. Then this overwhelming thought came over me "Are we back to where we were before?" "Am I the same person I was months ago?" "I thought the Lord had changed my heart?" "Why was a heading back down a road I thought I had already traveled?"
I texted some friends to pray then headed to the Lord in prayer. Told Him how much I wanted to move forward with all the knowledge and wisdom He had bestowed upon me. That I needed His spirit to fill me and that I couldn't do this day without Him.
I brought the boys back to me one at a time. Apologized for, not what I said, but how I said it. Explained that I am still sad about Ruby and it comes out funny sometimes but that I need them to help me get through these days. That we are a team and I need them to keep me going! We prayed and decided that outdoor school work sounded way more fun.
We went out to our patch of grass, played math games outside, had a picnic and Caleb read us some BOB books.
As we headed in I grabbed the mail and I wish I didn't.
Today was the day I got my "Explanation of Benefits" from our Insurance with our amount we will owe the hospital.
I froze dead in my tracks. I texted a bunch more friends for more prayer to get me through the day. But I just kinda sat on the couch a bit handicapped. Of all the days for us to get this bill, it had to be today.
I got some sweet texts back and phone calls from awesome friends and even had a great visit with Corinna, who came over to bring me chocolate and Dr Pepper (my version of "I NEED A DRINK!"). We chatted and since Corinna has gone through this 6 months ago, it was nice to get her perspective on things.
I know there will be really hard days to come. Moments when I won't want to move forward, where I will feel like this season of my life has no end. But I need to remind myself to take life one day at a time and my day one moment at a time. And Monday was a good reminder that in the midst of a really rough day The Lord chose to give me sweet moments. Kisses from a four year old, prayers with my boys, flash card tag, picnic with the boys, sweet texts all day from my hubby, chocolate from a good friend, a nap, and lots of knock knock jokes.
He is always present, active and will continue to walk me through this journey even when everyone else's life moves forward
I realized life was moving forward. Life was moving on for everyone, even for our own family. Even though thats what I thought I wanted, I realized at that moment that I didnt feel ready yet. I needed more time. Maybe just another day to curl up in a ball, eat chocolate and cry. Everything felt like a dream. It was like it never happened or something. Like I was just supposed to pretend our lives were not changed forever. It was just a weird moment but it was comforted by a four year olds hugs, kisses on my cheek and snuggles. I told him I was sad for Ruby but that I was going to be ok. I just needed to cry a little.
The day went on and we started working on our school work again. Playing games in the living room and having fun. I gave them a few options of some games to do next, but that didn't go over well. They both decided to throw fits and create drama. So I sent them to their room with a giant lack of gentleness and kindness. I was too tired to even deal with it. Then this overwhelming thought came over me "Are we back to where we were before?" "Am I the same person I was months ago?" "I thought the Lord had changed my heart?" "Why was a heading back down a road I thought I had already traveled?"
I texted some friends to pray then headed to the Lord in prayer. Told Him how much I wanted to move forward with all the knowledge and wisdom He had bestowed upon me. That I needed His spirit to fill me and that I couldn't do this day without Him.
I brought the boys back to me one at a time. Apologized for, not what I said, but how I said it. Explained that I am still sad about Ruby and it comes out funny sometimes but that I need them to help me get through these days. That we are a team and I need them to keep me going! We prayed and decided that outdoor school work sounded way more fun.
We went out to our patch of grass, played math games outside, had a picnic and Caleb read us some BOB books.
As we headed in I grabbed the mail and I wish I didn't.
Today was the day I got my "Explanation of Benefits" from our Insurance with our amount we will owe the hospital.
I froze dead in my tracks. I texted a bunch more friends for more prayer to get me through the day. But I just kinda sat on the couch a bit handicapped. Of all the days for us to get this bill, it had to be today.
I got some sweet texts back and phone calls from awesome friends and even had a great visit with Corinna, who came over to bring me chocolate and Dr Pepper (my version of "I NEED A DRINK!"). We chatted and since Corinna has gone through this 6 months ago, it was nice to get her perspective on things.
I know there will be really hard days to come. Moments when I won't want to move forward, where I will feel like this season of my life has no end. But I need to remind myself to take life one day at a time and my day one moment at a time. And Monday was a good reminder that in the midst of a really rough day The Lord chose to give me sweet moments. Kisses from a four year old, prayers with my boys, flash card tag, picnic with the boys, sweet texts all day from my hubby, chocolate from a good friend, a nap, and lots of knock knock jokes.
He is always present, active and will continue to walk me through this journey even when everyone else's life moves forward
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
no title
Its been two weeks tomorrow and to be honest Im not exactly sure what to say on here.
We have kept very busy the last two weeks. We have cherished time with Johns parents. The boys had not seen them in almost two years. Their time here was too short but extra sweet. We look forward to flying to see them for Christmas. My dad was able to be here for a week which was an awesome gift! And my mom and lil sis are here till the 15th. So blessed to have them keep me company while John started work again. Dear friends of mine put on a surprise "Shower of Love" for me, where they shared with me pictures, messages of love, scripture and placed it in an album for me to treasure! I was completely surprised...and I never get surprised! I've been pampered with manicures, pedicures, lunch dates, and lots of love.
The process the passed two weeks has been ok. God continues to bless us with peace and comfort but we, of course, still have our moments. Moments where I am just frustrated or annoyed, with no real reason. Where any "little" thing can make me burst into tears, make me feel out of control or just plain sad. I realize that the grief I have is "ruby" but it comes out in other forms.
We are both tired...all the time. With the time change, we assumed we'd feel more rested, but we don't. We would both just prefer to sleep the day away. Another form that grief is taking.
I picked up Ruby's ashes on Tuesday, at the funeral home, all by myself. I thought it would be difficult but I think I compartmentalize everything. I can make that experience a business transaction and not allow myself to "go there". I was in a denial that what I was doing was actually picking up what was left of my daughter on this earth. That other then our memories and pictures, this is all that is left. But the experience did feel surreal. It hurts my heart to think about it but ultimately I trust her new body will be complete perfection and I cannot wait to experience her that way.
John and I hope to spread her ashes, just the two of us, soon. To give ourselves that time to say goodbye once again and let her go. I know it will be difficult but God continues to bring beauty from the ashes time and time again through this experience so we know He will again.
Thank you again for your continued prayers and please do not stop!
I know our posts may be few and far between but we promise to continue to update you all through our continued journey. We hope to have pictures soon to share with you as well as more of how God is teaching us through this process!
We have kept very busy the last two weeks. We have cherished time with Johns parents. The boys had not seen them in almost two years. Their time here was too short but extra sweet. We look forward to flying to see them for Christmas. My dad was able to be here for a week which was an awesome gift! And my mom and lil sis are here till the 15th. So blessed to have them keep me company while John started work again. Dear friends of mine put on a surprise "Shower of Love" for me, where they shared with me pictures, messages of love, scripture and placed it in an album for me to treasure! I was completely surprised...and I never get surprised! I've been pampered with manicures, pedicures, lunch dates, and lots of love.
The process the passed two weeks has been ok. God continues to bless us with peace and comfort but we, of course, still have our moments. Moments where I am just frustrated or annoyed, with no real reason. Where any "little" thing can make me burst into tears, make me feel out of control or just plain sad. I realize that the grief I have is "ruby" but it comes out in other forms.
We are both tired...all the time. With the time change, we assumed we'd feel more rested, but we don't. We would both just prefer to sleep the day away. Another form that grief is taking.
I picked up Ruby's ashes on Tuesday, at the funeral home, all by myself. I thought it would be difficult but I think I compartmentalize everything. I can make that experience a business transaction and not allow myself to "go there". I was in a denial that what I was doing was actually picking up what was left of my daughter on this earth. That other then our memories and pictures, this is all that is left. But the experience did feel surreal. It hurts my heart to think about it but ultimately I trust her new body will be complete perfection and I cannot wait to experience her that way.
John and I hope to spread her ashes, just the two of us, soon. To give ourselves that time to say goodbye once again and let her go. I know it will be difficult but God continues to bring beauty from the ashes time and time again through this experience so we know He will again.
Thank you again for your continued prayers and please do not stop!
I know our posts may be few and far between but we promise to continue to update you all through our continued journey. We hope to have pictures soon to share with you as well as more of how God is teaching us through this process!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Gratefulness
Yesterday was a thing of beauty. John and I invited our close family and friends to an evening of reflection and thankfulness. We held Rubies private memorial service in the backyard of our dear friends the Seeks. We wanted to have those closest to us come. To tell them how thankful we were for them. For their love and support through this journey. And celebrate what God had done through our sweet Ruby. We knew there were many more that we could've invited but we wanted to make it as intimate as possible.
We both were blessed to share the miracles Our God had performed these last few months and even in this last year and half. We were able to capture the night on film as well as have an amazing photographer come and take pictures. We will soon have photos of the evening as well as our hospital stay with Ruby Jean on here soon. So stay tuned.
I did want to share about one gift I received last night from my sister Corban. She had been looking for a ruby pendant or ring to give to me and had been having a difficult time. So yesterday she went to a jeweler here in Ojai who told her the only thing she had was a "an 18k baby ring, set with two rubies and a garnet in the center" the jeweler found it odd to have a ring like that. "Those two stones are usually never put together because they are similar in color". She also said she has had this ring for five years and no one had shown interest.
Well Ruby's due date is in January, the same month as my birthday. So our birth stone is garnet.
The Lord had set aside for five years a baby ring, a memento for my sister to find the day of her memorial service. Such an amazing treasure to find! I am so grateful that she found another gem for me to keep as a symbol of Ruby's time with me. It's so personal and so perfect! Thanks Corban
We both were blessed to share the miracles Our God had performed these last few months and even in this last year and half. We were able to capture the night on film as well as have an amazing photographer come and take pictures. We will soon have photos of the evening as well as our hospital stay with Ruby Jean on here soon. So stay tuned.
I did want to share about one gift I received last night from my sister Corban. She had been looking for a ruby pendant or ring to give to me and had been having a difficult time. So yesterday she went to a jeweler here in Ojai who told her the only thing she had was a "an 18k baby ring, set with two rubies and a garnet in the center" the jeweler found it odd to have a ring like that. "Those two stones are usually never put together because they are similar in color". She also said she has had this ring for five years and no one had shown interest.
Well Ruby's due date is in January, the same month as my birthday. So our birth stone is garnet.
The Lord had set aside for five years a baby ring, a memento for my sister to find the day of her memorial service. Such an amazing treasure to find! I am so grateful that she found another gem for me to keep as a symbol of Ruby's time with me. It's so personal and so perfect! Thanks Corban
Saturday, October 29, 2011
The longest post of my life!
I know so many of you have already heard most of the details of our time in the hospital but for those who haven't, here is the run down:
DAY 1: We checked in at 7:30am Wednesday morning. Our nurse greeted us right away and showed us to our room, that was a part of the labor and delivery area that I had never seen before. She told us her name was Lauren and that we were her one and only patient today (Thanks Jesus). She told us that where we were was the wing of labor and delivery where they try and stop labor. They wanted us there so we wouldn't have to hear the cry of healthy babies. So sweet of them. She also informed us that she had chatted with our friend Tammy (a friend of ours from high school) who is a nurse at CMH, and that she knew a lot about us already. She was very kind and walked us through everything. We dealt with paperwork, I got into my gorgeous new attire and we settled in and waited. We did not get our first dose of cytotec ( like cervadil) until 9:30am. They told us I would get another dose in four hours so we could just kick back.
(This was the sign they placed on our door to inform the staff of our situation)
Within about an hour I started to have slight cramping and by the second dose they definitely started to feel more like contractions, but still very bearable. During this time, John and I got to meet the social worker, Tracy, who I had been chatting with for a couple of weeks. It was so good to put a face to a voice and to give her a big hug. She was so kind to us. She told us if we needed anything she would be around all day and to not hesitate. She was another sweet gift from Jesus. The rest of the day consisted of John and I watching "So I Married An Ax Murderer", making Ruby a couple of headbands, having lots of visitors, having the boys come to play, watching "Friends", trying to do my Beth Moore study, going for short walks and talking on the phone.
It really felt like we just got up and said "Hey, wanna go hang out at the hospital all day? Let's have friends come over to chat and bring us food too!" The nurse would check me from time to time and things were happening, but dialating was not in the equation yet. I could not receive pitocin until then.
By my third dose around 8pm I began to really feel contractions, the kind that were hard to sleep through. So the doctor recommended I take Ambien to help me sleep and rest. I got a couple of hours which was nice, but by the time they woke me up at 4am, I felt slightly nauseous with a bad headache. We had a very sweet nurse all evening named Charlotte, who took her time walking us through everything. When she left at 7am, she told us that she was also a believer and was truly blessed by our decision and the faith that she saw in us. She began to tear up and we were just truly touched. God was in every detail of our stay, encouraging us through small moments like this.
DAY 2: 7:30am rolled around and we met our new nurse, Kimberly. She stayed with us through out our day there. I loved her!! God allowed us to have 5 different nurses throughout our time there and every one was a gift. They were all so different but yet very compassionate, patient, and understanding.
She gave me my pitocin at 7:30am and we were praying for a nice quick process! She would come in every 20 minutes and up my pitocin... I kept asking if we could just crank it to 10, but she knew better.
John and I took walks, spent some more time with friends, watched "Arrested Development", and by about lunch time I was in full throttle labor. But about that time I was also ready for a nap. I had gotten very little sleep and having consistent contractions for over 30 hours was getting pretty taxing. The doctor had previously informed me that I did not have to dialate to 10 cm to deliver Ruby, because of her size. So I put off the idea of an epidural. I thought to myself if I can at least get to 6cm then maybe my body will be ready. The nurse would come and check me every 4 hours and every time became more and more discouraging. By noon I was a mere 1 or 2cm. But I pressed on in hopes that my body would remember doing this before and kick into gear quickly. So we trekked on. John would feed me ice chips, rub my back as I stood near my bed, let me hold onto him as I stood through the hard ones and walked me down the halls. He was right by my side the whole time. I couldn't have loved him more for it. I had a goal of getting to 4pm. She upped my pitocin to 12 and told me she would check me again at 4pm and I thought, if things have not progressed by then I will get my epidural, sleep and get rested up for time with Ruby. But I did tell John, "I really wanna have her before sun down. I don't want to have her at night." Don't ask me why but I think I needed to see her in the light of day. By 3pm my contractions were getting longer and way too close together. By 3:30pm we had clocked them at 50 seconds long and 40 seconds apart! I was dying! By 3:45pm I begged John to go get Kimberly and ask her to check me right then. I told him if I'm not at least a five you are bringing me that epidural! She came in and informed me I was only a 3 or tight 4cm. "BRING IT!"
This is where things got crazy! Within 5 minutes we had the anesthesiologist in our room prepping me for my epidural. I was shocked he got there as quickly as he did but also needed him to speed it up already! He got everything done, and had me rest back down and try to relax but with contractions coming every 40 seconds it was difficult to even catch my breath. I just kept thinking, "Yay, I can nap, rest up, and be ready to greet her with open arms!" Well it takes about 15 minutes for epidurals to take full effect so I breathed through a few more intense contractions then looked over and told the nurse, "Um, I'm feeling some pressure...what does that mean?" she looked very surprised and told me to get ready. I prepped myself for the next contraction and, still feeling everything, I gave birth to Ruby Jean Harrell at 4:28pm.
This may be too graphic for some viewers...reader discretion is advised.
Everything came with Ruby. My water never broke, She came out in her water sac, with the placenta right on top. The nurse ran to get the doctor and I looked over to John. I asked him "Are you ok?" He said yes and that he couldn't even see her yet. I have been very concerned about John's reaction to all of this. I had held a trisomy baby 6 months prior, so I felt I had more of an idea of what to anticipate. But this was my man's little girl and I was just so unsure how he would handle seeing her this way.
The doctor on call came in, introduced himself, told us how sorry he was, and opened up the bag. The doctor said, "Well, you are done! You did it all in one push so there is nothing more for you to do, but hold her." I watched John's face the whole time. Tears began to well up in his eyes as He took sight of his little girl. They placed her on my belly and cleaned her up. Not a tear, just pure joy came from my spirit. I was so grateful to hold her, grateful to hold my ultrasound baby, my Ruby Jean. I was so in awe of seeing her cord, her tiny chin, the features that made her a trisomy baby, the features we had only seen through images in black and white. Her arms were perfectly crossed. John and the nurse said she came out that way.
There was so much peace in knowing that this wasn't Ruby. That she was no longer with us here, but with our sweet Jesus, witnessing her mommy and daddy exploring her earthly shell.
Within 10 minutes the photographer got there. The hospital has a photographer come and take professional pictures for us to cherish...moments in time that we will never forget. When she left, we asked the nurse for some time.
John and I spent about 10 minutes exploring, talking, crying and praying. Her fingers were perfect, her feet were long, legs so skinny, toe nails, eye brows, every feature a full term baby would have, except maybe her ears. They were still being worked on:) We praised God for her, so thankful for what she had done in our lives.
The one thing that truly broke my heart was not that I never got to meet my little girl, but that she was Jackson and Caleb's little sister. She was gonna be the baby that the boys couldn't wait to hold. I wanted that for them. I wanted that for John.
But words cannot explain the peace both of us felt. Here we were, holding a little girl who drew so many people closer to Jesus, who transformed our lives, who answered our prayers, who has done so much good in our lives with her short 28 weeks in my womb. I felt as though we were privileged to hold a small miracle who, I believe, did more in her 28 weeks in the lives of my friends and family than I ever have in my 28 years.
We were in awe of what our God had done! John also relished in the fact that Ruby never sinned. She was a perfect being on this earth, and God took her home that way. That is all she has ever known....perfection. She is wiser than we are. So cool!
We had a few more friends come in to give us love and pray over us. They brought me my first solid meal in 36 hours:)
The mortuary then came to take our little girl away. John and I both felt as though we had spent enough time with her to not need to see her again. She was already beginning to physically change and we knew we wanted to remember her as we saw her in those first few moments. As they closed the door tears began to well up. We held each other and grieved the departure of everything we physically had of our sweet little Ruby. She was gone. Our time with her here on this earth had officially ended.
It was a good time for the two of us. A much needed time for tears.
I was unsure of what the hospital would want us to do now but by God's grace they allowed us to check out and head home. We packed up our things and eventually made our way out. But not before we stopped by our friends the Morris's in room 222. Josiah has been a dear friend from high school and due to having the same social circles and God's goodness we have stayed in contact with him and his family through the years. They delivered the day before just down the hall and welcomed home their sweet Bravery Olivia. We came in to say congrats and hold their new blessing! It was the perfect way to end our stay. Being able to witness God's perfect will in both our lives and proclaim His goodness in both stories. She is perfect, healthy and was sleeping like a babe. We gave our love and headed home.
We were truly blessed to be in our own beds. We needed to spend the evening in each others arms, to hold, to cry, and to sleep well.
I'm not even sure how to conclude a post like this. There is just so much more welled up inside of me, but I just cannot seem to put it into words. I am a blessed woman who was chosen by my Father to endure a trial no mother would ever volunteer for. A woman following after so many who have gone before me, surrendering the life of my child to the will of her Father. I do not take one once of credit for anything I endured. His grace took care of everything. His goodness, His gentleness, His peace, His comfort, His beauty. I only surrendered. But what else was I going to do? There felt like no other choice. This was the easier path. There is so much freedom in never making one decision, but allowing God to do His perfect will.
I will say this: Heaven seems so much more exciting! I cannot wait! I cling to it more tightly. And I truly look forward to the day when I get to explore, hold, hug and come to know my real, eternal, perfected Ruby Jean.
DAY 1: We checked in at 7:30am Wednesday morning. Our nurse greeted us right away and showed us to our room, that was a part of the labor and delivery area that I had never seen before. She told us her name was Lauren and that we were her one and only patient today (Thanks Jesus). She told us that where we were was the wing of labor and delivery where they try and stop labor. They wanted us there so we wouldn't have to hear the cry of healthy babies. So sweet of them. She also informed us that she had chatted with our friend Tammy (a friend of ours from high school) who is a nurse at CMH, and that she knew a lot about us already. She was very kind and walked us through everything. We dealt with paperwork, I got into my gorgeous new attire and we settled in and waited. We did not get our first dose of cytotec ( like cervadil) until 9:30am. They told us I would get another dose in four hours so we could just kick back.
(This was the sign they placed on our door to inform the staff of our situation)
Within about an hour I started to have slight cramping and by the second dose they definitely started to feel more like contractions, but still very bearable. During this time, John and I got to meet the social worker, Tracy, who I had been chatting with for a couple of weeks. It was so good to put a face to a voice and to give her a big hug. She was so kind to us. She told us if we needed anything she would be around all day and to not hesitate. She was another sweet gift from Jesus. The rest of the day consisted of John and I watching "So I Married An Ax Murderer", making Ruby a couple of headbands, having lots of visitors, having the boys come to play, watching "Friends", trying to do my Beth Moore study, going for short walks and talking on the phone.
It really felt like we just got up and said "Hey, wanna go hang out at the hospital all day? Let's have friends come over to chat and bring us food too!" The nurse would check me from time to time and things were happening, but dialating was not in the equation yet. I could not receive pitocin until then.
By my third dose around 8pm I began to really feel contractions, the kind that were hard to sleep through. So the doctor recommended I take Ambien to help me sleep and rest. I got a couple of hours which was nice, but by the time they woke me up at 4am, I felt slightly nauseous with a bad headache. We had a very sweet nurse all evening named Charlotte, who took her time walking us through everything. When she left at 7am, she told us that she was also a believer and was truly blessed by our decision and the faith that she saw in us. She began to tear up and we were just truly touched. God was in every detail of our stay, encouraging us through small moments like this.
DAY 2: 7:30am rolled around and we met our new nurse, Kimberly. She stayed with us through out our day there. I loved her!! God allowed us to have 5 different nurses throughout our time there and every one was a gift. They were all so different but yet very compassionate, patient, and understanding.
She gave me my pitocin at 7:30am and we were praying for a nice quick process! She would come in every 20 minutes and up my pitocin... I kept asking if we could just crank it to 10, but she knew better.
John and I took walks, spent some more time with friends, watched "Arrested Development", and by about lunch time I was in full throttle labor. But about that time I was also ready for a nap. I had gotten very little sleep and having consistent contractions for over 30 hours was getting pretty taxing. The doctor had previously informed me that I did not have to dialate to 10 cm to deliver Ruby, because of her size. So I put off the idea of an epidural. I thought to myself if I can at least get to 6cm then maybe my body will be ready. The nurse would come and check me every 4 hours and every time became more and more discouraging. By noon I was a mere 1 or 2cm. But I pressed on in hopes that my body would remember doing this before and kick into gear quickly. So we trekked on. John would feed me ice chips, rub my back as I stood near my bed, let me hold onto him as I stood through the hard ones and walked me down the halls. He was right by my side the whole time. I couldn't have loved him more for it. I had a goal of getting to 4pm. She upped my pitocin to 12 and told me she would check me again at 4pm and I thought, if things have not progressed by then I will get my epidural, sleep and get rested up for time with Ruby. But I did tell John, "I really wanna have her before sun down. I don't want to have her at night." Don't ask me why but I think I needed to see her in the light of day. By 3pm my contractions were getting longer and way too close together. By 3:30pm we had clocked them at 50 seconds long and 40 seconds apart! I was dying! By 3:45pm I begged John to go get Kimberly and ask her to check me right then. I told him if I'm not at least a five you are bringing me that epidural! She came in and informed me I was only a 3 or tight 4cm. "BRING IT!"
This is where things got crazy! Within 5 minutes we had the anesthesiologist in our room prepping me for my epidural. I was shocked he got there as quickly as he did but also needed him to speed it up already! He got everything done, and had me rest back down and try to relax but with contractions coming every 40 seconds it was difficult to even catch my breath. I just kept thinking, "Yay, I can nap, rest up, and be ready to greet her with open arms!" Well it takes about 15 minutes for epidurals to take full effect so I breathed through a few more intense contractions then looked over and told the nurse, "Um, I'm feeling some pressure...what does that mean?" she looked very surprised and told me to get ready. I prepped myself for the next contraction and, still feeling everything, I gave birth to Ruby Jean Harrell at 4:28pm.
This may be too graphic for some viewers...reader discretion is advised.
Everything came with Ruby. My water never broke, She came out in her water sac, with the placenta right on top. The nurse ran to get the doctor and I looked over to John. I asked him "Are you ok?" He said yes and that he couldn't even see her yet. I have been very concerned about John's reaction to all of this. I had held a trisomy baby 6 months prior, so I felt I had more of an idea of what to anticipate. But this was my man's little girl and I was just so unsure how he would handle seeing her this way.
The doctor on call came in, introduced himself, told us how sorry he was, and opened up the bag. The doctor said, "Well, you are done! You did it all in one push so there is nothing more for you to do, but hold her." I watched John's face the whole time. Tears began to well up in his eyes as He took sight of his little girl. They placed her on my belly and cleaned her up. Not a tear, just pure joy came from my spirit. I was so grateful to hold her, grateful to hold my ultrasound baby, my Ruby Jean. I was so in awe of seeing her cord, her tiny chin, the features that made her a trisomy baby, the features we had only seen through images in black and white. Her arms were perfectly crossed. John and the nurse said she came out that way.
There was so much peace in knowing that this wasn't Ruby. That she was no longer with us here, but with our sweet Jesus, witnessing her mommy and daddy exploring her earthly shell.
Within 10 minutes the photographer got there. The hospital has a photographer come and take professional pictures for us to cherish...moments in time that we will never forget. When she left, we asked the nurse for some time.
John and I spent about 10 minutes exploring, talking, crying and praying. Her fingers were perfect, her feet were long, legs so skinny, toe nails, eye brows, every feature a full term baby would have, except maybe her ears. They were still being worked on:) We praised God for her, so thankful for what she had done in our lives.
The one thing that truly broke my heart was not that I never got to meet my little girl, but that she was Jackson and Caleb's little sister. She was gonna be the baby that the boys couldn't wait to hold. I wanted that for them. I wanted that for John.
But words cannot explain the peace both of us felt. Here we were, holding a little girl who drew so many people closer to Jesus, who transformed our lives, who answered our prayers, who has done so much good in our lives with her short 28 weeks in my womb. I felt as though we were privileged to hold a small miracle who, I believe, did more in her 28 weeks in the lives of my friends and family than I ever have in my 28 years.
We were in awe of what our God had done! John also relished in the fact that Ruby never sinned. She was a perfect being on this earth, and God took her home that way. That is all she has ever known....perfection. She is wiser than we are. So cool!
We had a few more friends come in to give us love and pray over us. They brought me my first solid meal in 36 hours:)
The mortuary then came to take our little girl away. John and I both felt as though we had spent enough time with her to not need to see her again. She was already beginning to physically change and we knew we wanted to remember her as we saw her in those first few moments. As they closed the door tears began to well up. We held each other and grieved the departure of everything we physically had of our sweet little Ruby. She was gone. Our time with her here on this earth had officially ended.
It was a good time for the two of us. A much needed time for tears.
I was unsure of what the hospital would want us to do now but by God's grace they allowed us to check out and head home. We packed up our things and eventually made our way out. But not before we stopped by our friends the Morris's in room 222. Josiah has been a dear friend from high school and due to having the same social circles and God's goodness we have stayed in contact with him and his family through the years. They delivered the day before just down the hall and welcomed home their sweet Bravery Olivia. We came in to say congrats and hold their new blessing! It was the perfect way to end our stay. Being able to witness God's perfect will in both our lives and proclaim His goodness in both stories. She is perfect, healthy and was sleeping like a babe. We gave our love and headed home.
We were truly blessed to be in our own beds. We needed to spend the evening in each others arms, to hold, to cry, and to sleep well.
I'm not even sure how to conclude a post like this. There is just so much more welled up inside of me, but I just cannot seem to put it into words. I am a blessed woman who was chosen by my Father to endure a trial no mother would ever volunteer for. A woman following after so many who have gone before me, surrendering the life of my child to the will of her Father. I do not take one once of credit for anything I endured. His grace took care of everything. His goodness, His gentleness, His peace, His comfort, His beauty. I only surrendered. But what else was I going to do? There felt like no other choice. This was the easier path. There is so much freedom in never making one decision, but allowing God to do His perfect will.
I will say this: Heaven seems so much more exciting! I cannot wait! I cling to it more tightly. And I truly look forward to the day when I get to explore, hold, hug and come to know my real, eternal, perfected Ruby Jean.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
The last few days....
It all kinda started Sunday morning. My friends came over for our Sunday morning book study. My sweet friend brought us all coffee and a whole lot of donuts. We caught up on life, talked about our weeks and discussed what God was teaching us through our individual journeys. I noticed the whole time I sat there that I wasn't feeling Ruby. She tends to get pretty active when I sit and rest and especially active after a lot of sugar and caffeine.
When they left, I felt a little sick and kind of shaky. I chalked it up to the donuts and coffee, but just didn't feel up to going to church, especially when I hadn't felt Ruby. I had John come and get the boys so I could lay down and rest. I put on a sermon from John Piper and laid on the couch. I thought for sure Ruby would do a swift kick or nudge while I laid there, but still felt nothing.
The day went on and into the evening. The evening is when she is most active. That's when I knew something was wrong. I told John that I should probably go into the Pregnancy Center the next morning to just check on her. Questions began to run through my mind ....Do I want her to kick? Will I be disappointed if I feel her? Am I ready to move forward? When we go in tomorrow what do I hope to see? I even started planning the week in my head, where the boys would go, getting the house clean so I wouldn't have to worry about it later, and how this would affect upcoming plans?
We got in at 10am to Life Choices and prepared ourselves for what seemed like the inevitable. But there she was, beating away. As soon as that machine hit my stomach I felt my first kick in 24 hours. She was still going, but her heart didn't seem right. It looked weaker, the shape was a little different than before. They couldn't even get a measurement of her heart that day. It was so erratic and weak. We thought that maybe she reacts more to sound and pressure and that that's what woke her up.
I walked away that day with a deep sigh saying ....."OK, back to life again".
We met up with some friends for lunch and the whole time there was Ruby, kicking away! That little booger. She just does what she wants when she wants! Playing with my emotions and my heart. I went home and laid down and she felt back to her normal self.
But I think we needed that day. I think John and I both needed to evaluate where our hearts were at. Were we ready to let her go? Were we finally ready to take that next step into a new chapter? Were we ready to endure the hardest part of all? Were we ready to move forward instead of standing still? I truly believe we were.
We've been tired. Really tired. Uncertain of how long we would have to carry on waiting, wishing, wondering, planning. We both needed rest.
Monday evening rolled around and I never felt Ruby. It was as if everything stopped again. I was almost annoyed, "If you are pulling something again little lady....I swear..." :)
I got up several times last night and every time I expected her to move or kick, but still nothing. By morning I had John bring me my breakfast so I could lay down, eat, play some music on my tummy and push around like an ultrasound machine. I laid there a while and still felt nothing. I had plans this morning and was unsure if I should go about my day and maybe check on her tomorrow or if I could run in and just make sure everything was OK. I was torn. Part of me didn't want to drag the ladies from Life Choices in (on their off day) just to see a paranoid momma get another swift kick from the sassiest little babe ever, but I knew they understood and would not hesitate to ease my mind. I also knew that if I went in Wednesday morning and she had gone we would both be wondering when it happened? That 24 hours was better than 48.
On the ride there the boys requested their favorite song, Seeds Family Worship "Philippians 4:6-7". This album literally puts scripture to song...so the whole way there we sang
"DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING, BUT IN EVERYTHING, BY PRAYER AND PETITION, WITH THANKSGIVING, PRESENT YOUR REQUESTS TO GOD. AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS"
How very appropriate
This time I had my friend Corinna come in with me since John had been taking off so much time for this stuff.
I got in there and they had the machine on and ready for me so I hopped on, Corinna hadn't showed up yet. As she put the machine on me I just thought "Here we go". There she was, perfectly still. Not a movement, not a kick...not a heartbeat. Her sweet little hand was resting so gently on her face. I had no tears, just peace. I was prepared for this.
I knew that yesterday had prepared me for today and that God needed us to say we were ready. He needed us to be able to confirm in our hearts that we were ready for this season to be over. We were ready to hand her over. He had prepared us.
I immediately called John. He rushed over with tears in his eyes. We watched her a little while longer. We prayed together and then we got up.
The beautiful women at the center prayed over us and shed some tears. They have been such a gift. I told them I was so grateful that we found out in their clinic. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.
The rest of today has consisted of packing, cleaning, phone calls, Doctor appointment, shopping for last minute items for the hospital, game night, wrestle time, and now, "The Wonder Years" and rest.
We go into the hospital tomorrow at 7:30am and we ask for every prayer possible. They say being induced can possibly take several days. We pray that it's quick. They say its possible I may need a D&C to get everything. We pray it goes naturally and perfectly. They say this will be difficult and hard to bear. We pray for beauty, peace, glory and worship!
I don't look forward to tomorrow. I'm a little scared, a little uncertain of my emotions, my strength, and my endurance. But I trust that God has something beautiful in mind. I'm not even sure how I will handle seeing Ruby, if it will just break my heart or mend it. But I know what she has already done to it and I cannot thank her enough for it. I have been renewed these last six months. I am not the same woman I was. My transformation process has accelerated at lightning speed. Don't get me wrong, I am still in serious process but God has done great things through Ruby Jean Harrell and I'm proud to call her my gem, my treasure, my daughter.
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