Rubies

Journey with Ruby

2012-02-08T15:17:00.000-08:00

I decided that I wanted to make sure to capture our journey as whole through pictures. I plan on making this blog an album and thought it would be extra sweet to keep a slide show as well. Looking back at these photos it almost feels like our time with her was ages ago and then I have days like today where I feel like it was only yesterday. I miss her today. Knowing she would have been in our arms already. Our life would be consumed with diapers, lack of sleep, cuddles and a general lack of daily hygiene. But that just wasn't what the Lord had for us. Ruby is safe in His arms and I pray they are both in joyful expectation of this new little one in our family. If Ruby was in our arms this new little one would never be. So I rejoice in His perfect plan. I eagerly await this new life and cannot wait to see his or her personality, character and spirit. How, soon we will never imagine life before this babe.
My recent morning sickness with this pregnancy has brought me to a very contemplative state. I remember now what it was like when I was sick with Ruby. What an emotionally exhausting time it was to be ill all day, incapable of doing the normal daily routine, but I have been drawn to my knees (in more ways then one). I have come to praise God during my dry heaves, Thank Him when all I can do is curl in a ball, and rest in Him when my house is just completely out of control. To rejoice in this temporary suffering in hopes of a healthy sweet babe to soon be in our arms.
I am blessed by these photos. Moments captured in time so that even when my memory fades these pictures won't. May I always remember the beautiful, miraculous, breathe taking moments in our Journey with Ruby.
(side note: there is a photo of her in this album. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of seeing a deceased babe please be warned. I felt comfortable enough to share her with you because I find that God is in every detail and the fact the He always knew she would never use this body, yet he formed her. He knit her together and allowed her mother and father to study her every detail)

Press pause the on the music below!
click the button on the bottom right of the screen for a bigger picture

More details

2012-01-22T14:09:00.000-08:00

So for those of you who have just found out about our very exciting and surprising news, we thought we'd give you a little more details on what Gods been doing. Every other week or so John and I will ask eachother, "So whatcha thinkin? You see us trying again or moving forward with adoption?" Every time we come to realize that until our desire for Ruby passes or at least fades a little, we weren't ready to give an answer. But within the last couple of weeks the conversation has come up more and even talks about baby names. I had told John about 3 weeks ago that my desire for another baby was stronger then my desire for adoption. I found it odd only because I have wanted to adopt my whole life! And we still intend to:)
A couple of days later I had spent some much needed time with the Lord. He had revealed to me that I tend to plan my life and wait for the Lord to intervene where He needs. But that I needed to have more of a heart like David's. One who would seek the Lords direction before taking another step. Desiring that the Lord direct our steps. I asked to John to committ to praying with me for a time in hopes that the Lord would reveal to us His desire for our family. I desired complete confirmation. No doubt that this is what the Lord wanted for our family.
It was two days later that we found out we were expecting. CONFIRMATION!
Our new babe will be expected to arrive September of 2012
September 12th 2011 we found out about Rubies diagnosis. September was the month our world was flipped upside down. So how much more beautiful for the Lord to restore that month to us. It will also be the month John and I will celebrate our 10 year anniversary.
We are so awestruck by the Lords timing and goodness. His overwhelming presence and all sufficient spirit reminds us that He is active and desires to provide for His children. He cared for our medical expenses, such a dad thing to do, and I believe gave us this new life at a time when we were mourning the loss of another. He is a gracious and loving Father and we are blessed to be His children.

Romans 8:17
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

1 Peter 1: 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Due Date...

2012-01-21T17:01:00.000-08:00

Read this post in its entirety:

John here. Back in June, the evening before I left for Africa, we found out we were pregnant. What a surprise! And what began, was a journey that we never asked to embark on. We looked forward to January 21, 2012, as the mile marker to welcome our new little one into the world. We dreamed of her. We longed to meet her. We eagerly anticipated the blessed moment when she would emerge from the womb, exercise her fragile lungs for the first time and issue forth the first melting cries of new birth. We looked forward to January 21, 2012 as a day to be remembered and not forgotten, a day of joy and praises, a day of love and tears and laughter and life.

Understandably, most of you who have been following this blog or who are personally involved in our day to day lives, know how we have anticipated and dreaded this day ever since we learned of Ruby's condition back in September. It's amazing to see how a simple date can carry with it so much anticipation and expectant joy. And it's amazing to see how, in a literal skipped heartbeat, that simple date can become something so far removed.

Time marches on and here we are. Looking back on the journey that God has taken us on, we are nothing short of grateful. I didn't know what the tone of this post would be today, but I know that in hindsight, I can vaguely but confidently see the hand of God working a new birth in our hearts.

Ruby's diagnosis was complete surprise which we were not prepared for. Yet we tangibly saw and felt the Fathering hand of our loving Heavenly Father from beginning to end. As we watched Ruby's heart slowly fail and fade away, we felt our hearts being strengthened by Holy Spirit's work of comfort and help. As we learned of all the many inadequacies of Ruby's little body under Trisomy 18, we learned of the all-surpassing power and all-sufficient grace of our Lord Jesus Christ...that He is enough to carry our broken bodies. We were never blessed to hear Ruby's voice or her first cries, yet God has indeed placed a new song in our hearts and countless more reasons to sing. And even though Ruby never got to use her fragile lungs, we can see how He has breathed new life into us, preparing us to breathe the sweet atmosphere of Heaven, for the first time.

January 21, 2012, God has done a new birth and breathed new life into our hearts. In wonder and awe and with worshipful abandon...we are eternally grateful.

How surpassingly great it is to know Christ Jesus my Lord, and to be found in Him! For on this January 21, 2012, we are celebrating all the more...

We are five weeks along...and eagerly expecting greater things from the Giver of Life. September 21, 2012...

Change of Plans

2012-01-15T17:38:00.000-08:00

I am awe struck how God not only has answered John and my prayers through this journey of losing our sweet baby girl but He goes above and beyond!
Since I have lost Ruby I have been told of several other women who have been diagnosed with Trisomy 18. It breaks my heart to hear that others will experience the heartache of knowing, that the plans they once had for their unborn babes future would be forever changed. That they may never watch their little one take their first step or say their first word. But I praise Jesus for those who, although terrified, choose life and continue with their pregnancy, uncertain of the outcome of their unborn child. For so many who do not choose life they may have missed an opportunity to actually meet & experience life with the baby that was knit together in their womb. It may be for a short time but to actually meet your sweet babe would be something no one should ever trade in!
God's perfect plan for Ruby Jean was to take her before she ever opened her eyes, breathed her first breathe, or said her first cry in this world. But Gods perfect plan was different for Rosalie.
I met Rosalie's Mommy, Maria, through my blog. She found my blog somehow after recently finding out, in her 8th month, that Rosalie had Trisomy 18. She left a comment on one of my posts, and being the creepy internet stalker that I am, I found that she had also started a blog to record her thoughts and experiences. Rosalie was due at the end of November. So I checked her blog almost everyday through the month of December waiting to hear anything. I had heard through the grapevine that a woman who delivered at CMH gave birth to a beautiful baby girl with Trisomy 18 and that she was doing amazing. That they had even sent her home!! I prayed that that would be Maria. I hoped that she would have the chance to meet her sweet baby girl and spend days watching her learn and, God willing, grow! A few days ago I checked her blog to find out that Rosalie is alive and well! Maria was blessed with the chance to love, snuggle, and cherish her sweet Rosalie. It brought such unexplainable emotions to my hearts and tears to my eyes to see Rosalie's face. To be honest, I saw so much of Ruby in her, but I also saw a PICTURE PERFECT BABY. I didn't see any signs of trisomy on Rosalie. They may be all internal but externally she looks nothing short of perfect. I praise the Lord that He continues to use our story and allows it to trickle into the lives of others. I may never meet Maria in person or Rosalie for that matter but I know that we will forever be connected through the stories of our sweet baby girls.
To read Rosalie's story please visit : Change of Plans

Praise Him from whom all blessings flow

2012-01-04T11:26:00.000-08:00

Our Holidays were fabulous! Our family was blessed to be able to travel to Alabama to spend time with family for Christmas and New Years. It was a beautiful time to laugh, play, rest and relax. We cannot thank our families enough for getting us out there. We could not have done it without you all or should I say "Ya'll".

Biggest Praise of ALL
I write this with tears in my eyes:
Due to two fundraisers and AMAZING friends and family we have been able to payoff all of our medical bills so far!!! GOD IS SO GOOD!! He has used present & past church family, close friends, cousins, aunts and uncles, parents, siblings, friends I haven't spoken to in years, and complete strangers to provide everything we need!!
We realize bills may continue to trickle in in the next couple months but we trust that God will take care of even that! I am completely humbled by the outpouring of love we have been shown. I cannot thank everyone enough for the weight that has been lifted off our shoulders. We are truly in awe of those who so willingly followed God's leading and gave.
THANK YOU!!!!!

Holiday Ramblings and Updates

2011-12-21T18:43:00.000-08:00

This will not be an eloquent post by any means, just the randomness in my heart and the updates that some have not yet heard!

1.)The Holidays have hit with full force and we have dove right in.
Christmas parties, cookie/ginger bread house decorating, Christmas light drives through town, crafting, baking, Christmas books each night, parade of lights, wrapping, shopping, Christmas play at church...the list goes on.
I have been asked if the Holidays have been hard and my response is "No". Don't get me wrong, the mourning process isn't easy. Like John just previously posted, we have our days and moments that are incredibly difficult. But the Christmas season doesn't make it harder or more difficult. In fact, I am grateful that we have this "season" to keep our thoughts and lives a little busier and more distracted. I have chosen to remember that if Ruby was good and healthy she wouldn't be here yet anyway. I would just be super uncomfortable and probably a little cranky.
But we do dwell on her. We have tokens of her all over our home. Small things to remind us that she is a part of our family and holds a huge place in our day to day lives. A reminder of what God has and continues to do in our lives.
2.)Since Ruby has passed I have been contacted about 3 different women with Trisomy 18. They have either randomly found my blog or a friend of a friend. God continues to lay it on my heart that this may not be the end of Ruby's journey but only the beginning. That He may have something greater in mind for her journey and that if I listen closely and hold tight to His word that He will lead me to a greater ministry. I don't want to jump ahead of Him, so as I wait I will continue to be on my knees for so many out there who have or will lose their unborn babe.
3.) Since Rubys passing (8 weeks ago) I have also had 7 different friends give birth to healthy baby girls!! 7!!
BUT I PRAISE GOD! As crazy as it sounds there has not been one ounce of bitterness, sadness, anger or mourning through the announcements of these brand new baby girls. I can only chalk that up to a Gracious Father who has equipped me for everything I need during this time. He has given me an eternal perspective and a mind that has allowed me to comprehend that this is HIS perfect will for our lives and His perfect will for theirs.
HE IS GOOD!
4.) We have never been more blessed by the outpouring of friends and family this last month!! Financial help has POURED in and we are awestruck, especially during the holiday season! We can never thank you all enough for your love, prayers, friendship, gifts, and support through this time.
We are super close to paying off ALL of our medical bills!! I can not even begin to tell you how good that feels. The mountain seemed to high to climb but with all of your hands pulling us up we are a few more steps to the very peak.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
5.) We leave for Alabama on Monday and we could not be more excited! With the help of our family, they are flying the 4 of us out to celebrate the Holidays together. A much needed trip for us to get away and enjoy family. And maybe a time for us to get new perspectives, new hopes, new dreams for our future!

6.) Our God is faithful, Good, True to His Word, Kind, Compassionate, the list could go on FOREVER..I just pray I never forget that!

When the LORD brought back the captive ones of Zion,
We were like those who dream.
2 Then our mouth was filled with laughter
And our tongue with joyful shouting;
Then they said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
3 The LORD has done great things for us;
We are glad.

4 Restore our captivity, O LORD,
As the streams in the South.
5 Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.
6 He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed,
Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.

Psalm 126

I Confess...

2011-12-18T20:32:00.000-08:00

John here...

I confess that I don't really know what to write about. I guess this is therapy. All I know is that the boys are in bed, Cristin is in bed, and having done the dishes, I'm wide awake and restless...again. Overwhelmingly, I'm scared. I can't quite figure out the reason. I mean, this past Monday was a huge show of support and love from hundreds of faces we recognized and met for the first time. All this week, we have been checking the mail to find bills and gifts and Christmas cards and letters of love and comfort and joy. We even got to celebrate with dear friends at the birth of their little girl as we prepare to celebrate another new birth this week. So much happening, so much love and so much joy. So where is this feeling of fear coming from?

I remember as a preteen, camping with my family at Carpenteria State Beach. I remember it well because that was the time I got acquainted with the Amtrak railway system. I woke up in my tent in the dead of night, reeling and straining to catch my bearings as a midnight train came barreling down the tracks just yards from our campsite. Having never been close to a moving locomotive before and having not known that we were camping so close to the train tracks, the terrible harmony of hardened steel and unstoppable power woke me from my slumber and sent me into a state of confusion and fear.

Funny thing is that what I remember most about that experience wasn't just the rude awakening or the fear and confusion in the midst of the calamity...but the deafening silence after.

I think I have feared this period of grief above all others, even from the beginning. I confess, it feels as though a freight train has come barreling through our home rudely unannounced. It has come and gone, and now all is quiet. I feel it when the boys go days without mentioning it. I feel it when the romance between Cristin and I dissipates literally overnight. I feel it when there are moments when we simply don't have words for one another. We knew the world would keep turning...as it should. But now comes the awful season of continuing, one day at a time. And the 'how' in all of it, is quite murky.

I want to glorify God. I want to boldly lead my family through the fog, up the bleak side of the hill, with all the confidence and wisdom Holy Spirit so lavishly imparts. But I confess, all is quiet. And I confess...I'm scared.

But I guess that's what courage is all about. I guess courage carries the obvious truth that you are scared, but you move anyway. And, as stated in an earlier post, going up the bleak side of the hill may be difficult and scary at times, but take heart. Your Great Companion will not fail. He will not leave you. He will never forsake you. He has walked the hill before, and He knows the way to glory.

I want Ruby so badly. As much as I may try and prove to myself that all is well, in my heart, there are these moments of longing. Listening to the sound of hardened steel and unstoppable power fade away in the distance, I am left in silence. But my Lord, He beckons, calling me to press on. Put one foot in front of the other and walk with Him.

"All the way my Savior leads me / Cheers each winding path I tread / Gives me grace for every trial / Feeds me with the Living Bread"

400 west

2011-12-14T08:07:00.001-08:00

Monday night was truly magical. We were beyond blessed when some dear friends of ours, the Morris's, called and told us they were putting on an art show, displaying art & music from locals. A place for them to come and show off their gifts and a place for others to come marvel and shop a little! It was also their annual Christmas party combined. This is their second art show that they have hosted in their awesome home and they want to make sure do donate some of the artists proceeds to a cause every time. This time we were the cause. We were humbled at the turnout especially because 90% of them we had never met before.
They let us have a table to set up Ruby's things along with a donation jar, then had John and I share our story with the group. John even got to play his music!
The night was a nothing short of beautiful. Beautiful people, beautiful work, beautiful weather, beautiful generousity.
John and I were shocked at the gifts that were given to our humble family.
Another nice dent in our hospital bills. PRAISE JESUS!! Along with a new necklace that I will truly treasure and a $100 gift card for a bed and breakfast, icing on the cake!
We cannot thank the Morris's enough along with friends, family and complete strangers that came out that night!!

Good News Bad News

2011-12-06T19:18:00.000-08:00

Good News:We had a very successful yard sale this weekend. So many amazing friends donated items to fill our yard. We had a great turn out of shoppers and along with a very generous donor we were able to raise $500!!

So Monday I called all of the Dr offices as well as the hospital. I called to negotiate and see if any of them could work with us in dropping the rate if we paid in full.
Good news: one office took 20% off and I was able to pay that right off
Bad news: The hospital and the other bill could do nothing for us but set up a payment plan, and even then they wanted more then we could give monthly.
Bad news: We are expecting more bills

Good News: We trust in Gods provision and timing and know that this amount of money is a drop in the bucket for Him. We also know that with a Benefit Art Show coming up and hopefully a Clothing Swap in January we may be able to make huge dents in these bills.
Bad News: unfortunately, being "me", I get a bit overwhelmed and sad.
Sad that this may be a monthly reminder for us for possibly several months to possibly several years.
Sad that paying down debt that we have is taking a back seat.
And sad that if we chose to have another baby this is an amount we would most likely have to face again.
It just bums me out but it doesn't make me feel defeated. "Struck down but not Destroyed."

Just another reminder and process that we must endure....AND don't even get me started on the postpartum weight....ugh!!!
Prayer is much appreciated!

I never know whats going to set off the water works

2011-12-05T10:21:00.000-08:00

I was scrolling through one of my favorite sites and I came across this image. I was struck by it and my heart began to melt.
Something about not seeing this little girls face but just her sweet brown hair pulled back and her adorable little outfit brought me to tears. I realized that's exactly how I would've dressed Ruby. How I always imagined in my mind what my little girl would look like from the back. I love that I cannot see her face. That I will always wonder what she would've looked like growing up.
People have asked from time to time if we plan on "trying again" or moving forward with adoption. And at this point we really have no idea. We are not quite ready to make any decisions as of yet cause I believe we still really want Ruby. We don't want anyone else to replace her. We want her.
I found my pregnancy journal that I had when I was prego with Jackson. I pulled out a piece of paper that had a list of boy names and girl names. We had, our youth group at the time, vote for their favorite name or they could add names to the bottom. At the top of the girl list was Ruby Jean. We have longed to call our little girl that since before the Lord formed her. We knew if we had a girl that would be her name. And at this point I dont want to come up with any other names for a little girl or boy for that matter. I want RUBY JEAN.
I know that Lord has great plans for our family. I don't have any idea what that might be yet, but we trust in His timing and perfect will for our future. That He would prepare us mentally, emotionally, spiritually for our families next step. That if He desires for us to become pregnant again He will equip us with everything we need and give us the hearts that desire it! That if He desires for us to adopt that He will bless us with overwhelming peace and confirmation to move forward. But we do not want to make plans of our own until we are confirmed. Pray for us. For timing, patience, clarity, confirmation, peace, contentment and trust.

one month ago today

2011-11-27T09:21:00.000-08:00

We held our little lady for the first and last time on this earth
We cried and prayed over her
We counted her fingers and toes
We marveled at how detailed our Sweet Jesus had made her body
We thanked Him for how He used her to change our lives forever
We went through the most heartbreaking and beautiful experience of our lives
A month ago today.... We delivered out sweet babe into the arms of the Father.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

2011-11-21T13:45:00.000-08:00

I was scolded by many to not write and mail out "Thank You" cards to everyone that took part in our journey with Ruby. And if I did chances are it would add up to about 200 cards. So instead I chose to write out a few to those who don't read this blog and still like getting mail and to the rest of you I thought I'd type it out here!
Its in no particular order and I don't think I can list what each individual actually did for me cause it would take a long time! But you know who you are and your LOVE and KINDNESS did not go unnoticed. However BIG or small, we pondered it all in our hearts!
PLEASE forgive me if I left anyone out!
WE HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR!
Grammie and Papa, Grandma, Grandpa and Auntie Cay, Auntie Coco, Aunt Becky, G.G., Ojai Pregnancy Center, Arlene & Rosemary, Jessica and Ryan Moore, Jaclyn, Jan and Elaine Tisdale, Grandmommy and Granddaddy, The Seeks, Virginia Hill, Janae & Ryan, Chad and Christy, Joe and Corinna, Devo & Chelsea, Kristen & Jodi Plum, Uncle Justin and Auntie Sarah, Kim Morrison, Nadine Goodwin, Carol Eiland, Michelle Smith, Melissa Stone, Nicole Wenger, Amy Tromans, Kelly Hester, Stephanie Staniland, Shannon Snyder, Jim and Denise Lawhead, Jenny Dilbeck, Sue Diehl, Lindsey Carpenter, Sue Dudley, Cassie and Jeff Lawhead, Nancy Dilbeck, Kristina & Andon Petit, Phillipe and Debbie Mathieu, Mike and Retha Nordyke, Todd & Tracy Robison, Zac & Jess Cannon, Brandy and Ivan Gregory, Nikki & Jesse Clark, Holly Doden, Jana and Allen Fletcher, Doug & Aimee, Matt and Erin, Jamie and Kevin, Amy Atkinson, Aaron Bird, Javai & Brittany Fletcher, Jenny Allen, Brian & Danielle Giersch, Cara Hughes, Courtney Kresge, Tim & Debbie Kresge, The Hasbrouks, Sam & Martha Starkweather, Denise Sponsellar, Nancy Clover, Mary Smith, Our amazing deacon board at our church, Lettie Vaglica, Josiah and Crista Morris, Danielle and Ryan Axtell, Darian O Brien, Tracy VanAtta, The staff at Community Memorial Hospital, Dr Green, Jennifer Malone, Vickie Mumma, Jeremy & Amy Allen, Ty and Jerri Hardman, Jillian and Rick Lawson, Josh and Jess Agadoni, Joyce Snyder, Kathleen, Tami & Debra, Katina Burgen, the Daltos, Michala & France Hayes, First Baptist Church of Ojai, Ojai Valley Baptist Church, First Southern Baptist Church Porterville, Erlanger Baptist Church in Kentucky, Community Bible Church Ventura, Cornerstone Baptist in Alabama, Joe & Drenda Pledgers, the Brookes, Rohweller, Richard and Mary, Watkins, Nadine & Bob, the Keenagers at First Baptist Camarillo, Alden and Sue, McLellands in Alabama, aunt Bev and Edie, Brenda Bartolone, Fernando Duran, Christina Hahn, Kaytlyn Fuller, Louise Johnson, Bianca Fuller, Chelsea Nichole, Amanda Marshall, Mallory Finnerty, Rachel & Lynette Harvey, Lorraine Romero, Amanda Lawrence, the Rogers, Jennifer Franklin, Kim Nelson, Tara Sibert, Angela Jacoby, Taylor and Matt Broggie, Nate and Kim Graham, Nicole Hammond, Tiffanie Monzo, Adrienne Cazier, Kristin Guerrero, Staci Scott, Tracy and Jennifer Cook, Shannon Ashlea, Erin Williams, Erin Sheehy, Tammy Rudd, Kimmy, Jeremy Exell, Sean Matthews, Keri Bender, Heather Lease, Lisa Darby, Breezy Winters, Jennie Higgins, Brittany Chisum, Brooke and Mark Martinez, Rachel Holland, Tom & Donna, Lori Michael, Sally Andrews, Sarah Hock, Ondrea and Sean, Luncefords, Susie Dimaggio, The Thorpes, Brandon and Joanna, Kim Shannon, Brittany Volpei, Sara Allen, Tiffany Morrow.
I know more will pop up in my head as the days go on and if so I will continue to post!
I am truly blessed by you all!! YOu have made this journey beautiful and the burden light. Thank you for being the hands and feet of Jesus to our family!!

Slideshow

2011-11-21T13:34:00.000-08:00

Click Here for the slideshow from Ruby Jean's Memorial Service.

A beautiful evening captured by an amazing photographer.

Thank you Anna Joy

And thank you to the sweet friends who paid to have her come!!

I love you!

Cassie, Melissa, Sue Diehl, Carol, Amy, Kelly, Stephanie & Nicole!

Beauty instead of Ashes

2011-11-19T17:44:00.000-08:00

Isaiah 61:1-3
The Year of the LORD’s Favor

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called mighty oaks,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

Saturday we went out to spread Ruby's ashes. Our awesome friends the Yee's have a boat so they took us out so we wouldn't have to rent one ourselves.
The day was chilly and windy and as we set out of the harbor. We were riding large swells, getting splashed all over and all I could do was crack up. I could not stop laughing. It was the kind of laughter where you couldn't catch your breathe. Like riding a roller coaster where you couldn't see the next turn or dip. It was awesome!

We decided to stop out where we were facing the pier. John liked the idea of a spot that we go to often and would always remember. The pier is where John purposed to me too, so it was extra sweet.

John and I each prayed together and thanked God for our Journey with Ruby. All that He had taught us through our short time with her. We asked Him to help us with moving forward and letting her go. That, when the time comes, He would make it plain which direction He would take our family.
John then released her. It was surreal to see her ashes resting upon the water for awhile. The idea that, that was our little girls body here and this earth. That her time here had ended and we no longer had any part of her except for the small tokens and memories.
There were no tears from me (not sure about John since he was wearing glasses). Part of me felt guilty about that, but I think I was ready for this day. I needed to say goodbye and let her go. To have a final symbol of closure. Even though the emotions are all still present from day to day, I needed to end the rituals that this world has for letting the physical body go.

We headed back to Harbor, cruised around a bit, picked up Andrea's Seafood and had a picnic on the boat as we enjoyed the afternoon. The wind died down, the air was clear and it was the perfect ending to the day. It was nice to just enjoy time with friends, laugh and kick back.

God continues to be faithful and good. I still have my moments where I can't hold back the tears. Moments where I have become angry at that "Son of Gun" third chromosome. I hate it! I'd punch it in the face if I could. I get angry that if it wasn't for one extra chromosome I'd still be pregnant planning for her to be here in just two short months. But I am always reminded that this was God's will for our Ruby Jean. And that our family was in God's perfect will through out this journey. I truly find freedom and beauty in that! HE is good!

Psalm 30

2011-11-17T16:32:00.000-08:00

I will exalt you, LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 LORD my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
3 You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.

4 Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

6 When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
7 LORD, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain[c] stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.

8 To you, LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
9 “What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
10 Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me;
LORD, be my help.”

11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
LORD my God, I will praise you forever.

Moving Forward

2011-11-15T17:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was difficult. It was the first day with no family members around, no real plans for the day but the usual schoolwork, children acting a bit cranky and fussy, chores to be done and daddy at work. I sat down that morning at the table to walk Caleb through his spelling workbook.He began throwing a fit so I sent him to his room and as I sat there I glanced at my door filled with everyones sympathy cards then glanced at our fridge with Ruby's ultrasound pictures and I broke.
I realized life was moving forward. Life was moving on for everyone, even for our own family. Even though thats what I thought I wanted, I realized at that moment that I didnt feel ready yet. I needed more time. Maybe just another day to curl up in a ball, eat chocolate and cry. Everything felt like a dream. It was like it never happened or something. Like I was just supposed to pretend our lives were not changed forever. It was just a weird moment but it was comforted by a four year olds hugs, kisses on my cheek and snuggles. I told him I was sad for Ruby but that I was going to be ok. I just needed to cry a little.
The day went on and we started working on our school work again. Playing games in the living room and having fun. I gave them a few options of some games to do next, but that didn't go over well. They both decided to throw fits and create drama. So I sent them to their room with a giant lack of gentleness and kindness. I was too tired to even deal with it. Then this overwhelming thought came over me "Are we back to where we were before?" "Am I the same person I was months ago?" "I thought the Lord had changed my heart?" "Why was a heading back down a road I thought I had already traveled?"
I texted some friends to pray then headed to the Lord in prayer. Told Him how much I wanted to move forward with all the knowledge and wisdom He had bestowed upon me. That I needed His spirit to fill me and that I couldn't do this day without Him.
I brought the boys back to me one at a time. Apologized for, not what I said, but how I said it. Explained that I am still sad about Ruby and it comes out funny sometimes but that I need them to help me get through these days. That we are a team and I need them to keep me going! We prayed and decided that outdoor school work sounded way more fun.
We went out to our patch of grass, played math games outside, had a picnic and Caleb read us some BOB books.
As we headed in I grabbed the mail and I wish I didn't.
Today was the day I got my "Explanation of Benefits" from our Insurance with our amount we will owe the hospital.
I froze dead in my tracks. I texted a bunch more friends for more prayer to get me through the day. But I just kinda sat on the couch a bit handicapped. Of all the days for us to get this bill, it had to be today.
I got some sweet texts back and phone calls from awesome friends and even had a great visit with Corinna, who came over to bring me chocolate and Dr Pepper (my version of "I NEED A DRINK!"). We chatted and since Corinna has gone through this 6 months ago, it was nice to get her perspective on things.

I know there will be really hard days to come. Moments when I won't want to move forward, where I will feel like this season of my life has no end. But I need to remind myself to take life one day at a time and my day one moment at a time. And Monday was a good reminder that in the midst of a really rough day The Lord chose to give me sweet moments. Kisses from a four year old, prayers with my boys, flash card tag, picnic with the boys, sweet texts all day from my hubby, chocolate from a good friend, a nap, and lots of knock knock jokes.
He is always present, active and will continue to walk me through this journey even when everyone else's life moves forward

no title

2011-11-09T15:16:00.000-08:00

Its been two weeks tomorrow and to be honest Im not exactly sure what to say on here.
We have kept very busy the last two weeks. We have cherished time with Johns parents. The boys had not seen them in almost two years. Their time here was too short but extra sweet. We look forward to flying to see them for Christmas. My dad was able to be here for a week which was an awesome gift! And my mom and lil sis are here till the 15th. So blessed to have them keep me company while John started work again. Dear friends of mine put on a surprise "Shower of Love" for me, where they shared with me pictures, messages of love, scripture and placed it in an album for me to treasure! I was completely surprised...and I never get surprised! I've been pampered with manicures, pedicures, lunch dates, and lots of love.
The process the passed two weeks has been ok. God continues to bless us with peace and comfort but we, of course, still have our moments. Moments where I am just frustrated or annoyed, with no real reason. Where any "little" thing can make me burst into tears, make me feel out of control or just plain sad. I realize that the grief I have is "ruby" but it comes out in other forms.
We are both tired...all the time. With the time change, we assumed we'd feel more rested, but we don't. We would both just prefer to sleep the day away. Another form that grief is taking.
I picked up Ruby's ashes on Tuesday, at the funeral home, all by myself. I thought it would be difficult but I think I compartmentalize everything. I can make that experience a business transaction and not allow myself to "go there". I was in a denial that what I was doing was actually picking up what was left of my daughter on this earth. That other then our memories and pictures, this is all that is left. But the experience did feel surreal. It hurts my heart to think about it but ultimately I trust her new body will be complete perfection and I cannot wait to experience her that way.
John and I hope to spread her ashes, just the two of us, soon. To give ourselves that time to say goodbye once again and let her go. I know it will be difficult but God continues to bring beauty from the ashes time and time again through this experience so we know He will again.
Thank you again for your continued prayers and please do not stop!
I know our posts may be few and far between but we promise to continue to update you all through our continued journey. We hope to have pictures soon to share with you as well as more of how God is teaching us through this process!

Gratefulness

2011-11-03T16:52:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a thing of beauty. John and I invited our close family and friends to an evening of reflection and thankfulness. We held Rubies private memorial service in the backyard of our dear friends the Seeks. We wanted to have those closest to us come. To tell them how thankful we were for them. For their love and support through this journey. And celebrate what God had done through our sweet Ruby. We knew there were many more that we could've invited but we wanted to make it as intimate as possible.
We both were blessed to share the miracles Our God had performed these last few months and even in this last year and half. We were able to capture the night on film as well as have an amazing photographer come and take pictures. We will soon have photos of the evening as well as our hospital stay with Ruby Jean on here soon. So stay tuned.
I did want to share about one gift I received last night from my sister Corban. She had been looking for a ruby pendant or ring to give to me and had been having a difficult time. So yesterday she went to a jeweler here in Ojai who told her the only thing she had was a "an 18k baby ring, set with two rubies and a garnet in the center" the jeweler found it odd to have a ring like that. "Those two stones are usually never put together because they are similar in color". She also said she has had this ring for five years and no one had shown interest.
Well Ruby's due date is in January, the same month as my birthday. So our birth stone is garnet.
The Lord had set aside for five years a baby ring, a memento for my sister to find the day of her memorial service. Such an amazing treasure to find! I am so grateful that she found another gem for me to keep as a symbol of Ruby's time with me. It's so personal and so perfect! Thanks Corban

The longest post of my life!

2011-10-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

I know so many of you have already heard most of the details of our time in the hospital but for those who haven't, here is the run down:

DAY 1: We checked in at 7:30am Wednesday morning. Our nurse greeted us right away and showed us to our room, that was a part of the labor and delivery area that I had never seen before. She told us her name was Lauren and that we were her one and only patient today (Thanks Jesus). She told us that where we were was the wing of labor and delivery where they try and stop labor. They wanted us there so we wouldn't have to hear the cry of healthy babies. So sweet of them. She also informed us that she had chatted with our friend Tammy (a friend of ours from high school) who is a nurse at CMH, and that she knew a lot about us already. She was very kind and walked us through everything. We dealt with paperwork, I got into my gorgeous new attire and we settled in and waited. We did not get our first dose of cytotec ( like cervadil) until 9:30am. They told us I would get another dose in four hours so we could just kick back.

(This was the sign they placed on our door to inform the staff of our situation)

Within about an hour I started to have slight cramping and by the second dose they definitely started to feel more like contractions, but still very bearable. During this time, John and I got to meet the social worker, Tracy, who I had been chatting with for a couple of weeks. It was so good to put a face to a voice and to give her a big hug. She was so kind to us. She told us if we needed anything she would be around all day and to not hesitate. She was another sweet gift from Jesus. The rest of the day consisted of John and I watching "So I Married An Ax Murderer", making Ruby a couple of headbands, having lots of visitors, having the boys come to play, watching "Friends", trying to do my Beth Moore study, going for short walks and talking on the phone.

It really felt like we just got up and said "Hey, wanna go hang out at the hospital all day? Let's have friends come over to chat and bring us food too!" The nurse would check me from time to time and things were happening, but dialating was not in the equation yet. I could not receive pitocin until then.

By my third dose around 8pm I began to really feel contractions, the kind that were hard to sleep through. So the doctor recommended I take Ambien to help me sleep and rest. I got a couple of hours which was nice, but by the time they woke me up at 4am, I felt slightly nauseous with a bad headache. We had a very sweet nurse all evening named Charlotte, who took her time walking us through everything. When she left at 7am, she told us that she was also a believer and was truly blessed by our decision and the faith that she saw in us. She began to tear up and we were just truly touched. God was in every detail of our stay, encouraging us through small moments like this.
DAY 2: 7:30am rolled around and we met our new nurse, Kimberly. She stayed with us through out our day there. I loved her!! God allowed us to have 5 different nurses throughout our time there and every one was a gift. They were all so different but yet very compassionate, patient, and understanding.

She gave me my pitocin at 7:30am and we were praying for a nice quick process! She would come in every 20 minutes and up my pitocin... I kept asking if we could just crank it to 10, but she knew better.

John and I took walks, spent some more time with friends, watched "Arrested Development", and by about lunch time I was in full throttle labor. But about that time I was also ready for a nap. I had gotten very little sleep and having consistent contractions for over 30 hours was getting pretty taxing. The doctor had previously informed me that I did not have to dialate to 10 cm to deliver Ruby, because of her size. So I put off the idea of an epidural. I thought to myself if I can at least get to 6cm then maybe my body will be ready. The nurse would come and check me every 4 hours and every time became more and more discouraging. By noon I was a mere 1 or 2cm. But I pressed on in hopes that my body would remember doing this before and kick into gear quickly. So we trekked on. John would feed me ice chips, rub my back as I stood near my bed, let me hold onto him as I stood through the hard ones and walked me down the halls. He was right by my side the whole time. I couldn't have loved him more for it. I had a goal of getting to 4pm. She upped my pitocin to 12 and told me she would check me again at 4pm and I thought, if things have not progressed by then I will get my epidural, sleep and get rested up for time with Ruby. But I did tell John, "I really wanna have her before sun down. I don't want to have her at night." Don't ask me why but I think I needed to see her in the light of day. By 3pm my contractions were getting longer and way too close together. By 3:30pm we had clocked them at 50 seconds long and 40 seconds apart! I was dying! By 3:45pm I begged John to go get Kimberly and ask her to check me right then. I told him if I'm not at least a five you are bringing me that epidural! She came in and informed me I was only a 3 or tight 4cm. "BRING IT!"
This is where things got crazy! Within 5 minutes we had the anesthesiologist in our room prepping me for my epidural. I was shocked he got there as quickly as he did but also needed him to speed it up already! He got everything done, and had me rest back down and try to relax but with contractions coming every 40 seconds it was difficult to even catch my breath. I just kept thinking, "Yay, I can nap, rest up, and be ready to greet her with open arms!" Well it takes about 15 minutes for epidurals to take full effect so I breathed through a few more intense contractions then looked over and told the nurse, "Um, I'm feeling some pressure...what does that mean?" she looked very surprised and told me to get ready. I prepped myself for the next contraction and, still feeling everything, I gave birth to Ruby Jean Harrell at 4:28pm.
This may be too graphic for some viewers...reader discretion is advised.
Everything came with Ruby. My water never broke, She came out in her water sac, with the placenta right on top. The nurse ran to get the doctor and I looked over to John. I asked him "Are you ok?" He said yes and that he couldn't even see her yet. I have been very concerned about John's reaction to all of this. I had held a trisomy baby 6 months prior, so I felt I had more of an idea of what to anticipate. But this was my man's little girl and I was just so unsure how he would handle seeing her this way.
The doctor on call came in, introduced himself, told us how sorry he was, and opened up the bag. The doctor said, "Well, you are done! You did it all in one push so there is nothing more for you to do, but hold her." I watched John's face the whole time. Tears began to well up in his eyes as He took sight of his little girl. They placed her on my belly and cleaned her up. Not a tear, just pure joy came from my spirit. I was so grateful to hold her, grateful to hold my ultrasound baby, my Ruby Jean. I was so in awe of seeing her cord, her tiny chin, the features that made her a trisomy baby, the features we had only seen through images in black and white. Her arms were perfectly crossed. John and the nurse said she came out that way.
There was so much peace in knowing that this wasn't Ruby. That she was no longer with us here, but with our sweet Jesus, witnessing her mommy and daddy exploring her earthly shell.
Within 10 minutes the photographer got there. The hospital has a photographer come and take professional pictures for us to cherish...moments in time that we will never forget. When she left, we asked the nurse for some time.
John and I spent about 10 minutes exploring, talking, crying and praying. Her fingers were perfect, her feet were long, legs so skinny, toe nails, eye brows, every feature a full term baby would have, except maybe her ears. They were still being worked on:) We praised God for her, so thankful for what she had done in our lives.
The one thing that truly broke my heart was not that I never got to meet my little girl, but that she was Jackson and Caleb's little sister. She was gonna be the baby that the boys couldn't wait to hold. I wanted that for them. I wanted that for John.
But words cannot explain the peace both of us felt. Here we were, holding a little girl who drew so many people closer to Jesus, who transformed our lives, who answered our prayers, who has done so much good in our lives with her short 28 weeks in my womb. I felt as though we were privileged to hold a small miracle who, I believe, did more in her 28 weeks in the lives of my friends and family than I ever have in my 28 years.
We were in awe of what our God had done! John also relished in the fact that Ruby never sinned. She was a perfect being on this earth, and God took her home that way. That is all she has ever known....perfection. She is wiser than we are. So cool!
We had a few more friends come in to give us love and pray over us. They brought me my first solid meal in 36 hours:)

The mortuary then came to take our little girl away. John and I both felt as though we had spent enough time with her to not need to see her again. She was already beginning to physically change and we knew we wanted to remember her as we saw her in those first few moments. As they closed the door tears began to well up. We held each other and grieved the departure of everything we physically had of our sweet little Ruby. She was gone. Our time with her here on this earth had officially ended.
It was a good time for the two of us. A much needed time for tears.

I was unsure of what the hospital would want us to do now but by God's grace they allowed us to check out and head home. We packed up our things and eventually made our way out. But not before we stopped by our friends the Morris's in room 222. Josiah has been a dear friend from high school and due to having the same social circles and God's goodness we have stayed in contact with him and his family through the years. They delivered the day before just down the hall and welcomed home their sweet Bravery Olivia. We came in to say congrats and hold their new blessing! It was the perfect way to end our stay. Being able to witness God's perfect will in both our lives and proclaim His goodness in both stories. She is perfect, healthy and was sleeping like a babe. We gave our love and headed home.

We were truly blessed to be in our own beds. We needed to spend the evening in each others arms, to hold, to cry, and to sleep well.

I'm not even sure how to conclude a post like this. There is just so much more welled up inside of me, but I just cannot seem to put it into words. I am a blessed woman who was chosen by my Father to endure a trial no mother would ever volunteer for. A woman following after so many who have gone before me, surrendering the life of my child to the will of her Father. I do not take one once of credit for anything I endured. His grace took care of everything. His goodness, His gentleness, His peace, His comfort, His beauty. I only surrendered. But what else was I going to do? There felt like no other choice. This was the easier path. There is so much freedom in never making one decision, but allowing God to do His perfect will.
I will say this: Heaven seems so much more exciting! I cannot wait! I cling to it more tightly. And I truly look forward to the day when I get to explore, hold, hug and come to know my real, eternal, perfected Ruby Jean.

The last few days....

2011-10-25T22:18:00.000-07:00

It all kinda started Sunday morning. My friends came over for our Sunday morning book study. My sweet friend brought us all coffee and a whole lot of donuts. We caught up on life, talked about our weeks and discussed what God was teaching us through our individual journeys. I noticed the whole time I sat there that I wasn't feeling Ruby. She tends to get pretty active when I sit and rest and especially active after a lot of sugar and caffeine.
When they left, I felt a little sick and kind of shaky. I chalked it up to the donuts and coffee, but just didn't feel up to going to church, especially when I hadn't felt Ruby. I had John come and get the boys so I could lay down and rest. I put on a sermon from John Piper and laid on the couch. I thought for sure Ruby would do a swift kick or nudge while I laid there, but still felt nothing.
The day went on and into the evening. The evening is when she is most active. That's when I knew something was wrong. I told John that I should probably go into the Pregnancy Center the next morning to just check on her. Questions began to run through my mind ....Do I want her to kick? Will I be disappointed if I feel her? Am I ready to move forward? When we go in tomorrow what do I hope to see? I even started planning the week in my head, where the boys would go, getting the house clean so I wouldn't have to worry about it later, and how this would affect upcoming plans?
We got in at 10am to Life Choices and prepared ourselves for what seemed like the inevitable. But there she was, beating away. As soon as that machine hit my stomach I felt my first kick in 24 hours. She was still going, but her heart didn't seem right. It looked weaker, the shape was a little different than before. They couldn't even get a measurement of her heart that day. It was so erratic and weak. We thought that maybe she reacts more to sound and pressure and that that's what woke her up.
I walked away that day with a deep sigh saying ....."OK, back to life again".
We met up with some friends for lunch and the whole time there was Ruby, kicking away! That little booger. She just does what she wants when she wants! Playing with my emotions and my heart. I went home and laid down and she felt back to her normal self.
But I think we needed that day. I think John and I both needed to evaluate where our hearts were at. Were we ready to let her go? Were we finally ready to take that next step into a new chapter? Were we ready to endure the hardest part of all? Were we ready to move forward instead of standing still? I truly believe we were.
We've been tired. Really tired. Uncertain of how long we would have to carry on waiting, wishing, wondering, planning. We both needed rest.
Monday evening rolled around and I never felt Ruby. It was as if everything stopped again. I was almost annoyed, "If you are pulling something again little lady....I swear..." :)
I got up several times last night and every time I expected her to move or kick, but still nothing. By morning I had John bring me my breakfast so I could lay down, eat, play some music on my tummy and push around like an ultrasound machine. I laid there a while and still felt nothing. I had plans this morning and was unsure if I should go about my day and maybe check on her tomorrow or if I could run in and just make sure everything was OK. I was torn. Part of me didn't want to drag the ladies from Life Choices in (on their off day) just to see a paranoid momma get another swift kick from the sassiest little babe ever, but I knew they understood and would not hesitate to ease my mind. I also knew that if I went in Wednesday morning and she had gone we would both be wondering when it happened? That 24 hours was better than 48.
On the ride there the boys requested their favorite song, Seeds Family Worship "Philippians 4:6-7". This album literally puts scripture to song...so the whole way there we sang
"DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING, BUT IN EVERYTHING, BY PRAYER AND PETITION, WITH THANKSGIVING, PRESENT YOUR REQUESTS TO GOD. AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS"
How very appropriate
This time I had my friend Corinna come in with me since John had been taking off so much time for this stuff.
I got in there and they had the machine on and ready for me so I hopped on, Corinna hadn't showed up yet. As she put the machine on me I just thought "Here we go". There she was, perfectly still. Not a movement, not a kick...not a heartbeat. Her sweet little hand was resting so gently on her face. I had no tears, just peace. I was prepared for this.
I knew that yesterday had prepared me for today and that God needed us to say we were ready. He needed us to be able to confirm in our hearts that we were ready for this season to be over. We were ready to hand her over. He had prepared us.
I immediately called John. He rushed over with tears in his eyes. We watched her a little while longer. We prayed together and then we got up.
The beautiful women at the center prayed over us and shed some tears. They have been such a gift. I told them I was so grateful that we found out in their clinic. I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.
The rest of today has consisted of packing, cleaning, phone calls, Doctor appointment, shopping for last minute items for the hospital, game night, wrestle time, and now, "The Wonder Years" and rest.
We go into the hospital tomorrow at 7:30am and we ask for every prayer possible. They say being induced can possibly take several days. We pray that it's quick. They say its possible I may need a D&C to get everything. We pray it goes naturally and perfectly. They say this will be difficult and hard to bear. We pray for beauty, peace, glory and worship!
I don't look forward to tomorrow. I'm a little scared, a little uncertain of my emotions, my strength, and my endurance. But I trust that God has something beautiful in mind. I'm not even sure how I will handle seeing Ruby, if it will just break my heart or mend it. But I know what she has already done to it and I cannot thank her enough for it. I have been renewed these last six months. I am not the same woman I was. My transformation process has accelerated at lightning speed. Don't get me wrong, I am still in serious process but God has done great things through Ruby Jean Harrell and I'm proud to call her my gem, my treasure, my daughter.

Ruby Jean...

2011-10-25T21:05:00.001-07:00

Oh, baby girl.
You slipped away so quietly, exiting your broken tent and breaking the bonds of this existence, exchanging it all for your eternal home. It kills me not knowing the exact moment your spirit soared and your little heart ceased its striving. I can't bear the thought of such a miracle of healing and transformation occurring in our very midst...and we never blinked an eye. Worse yet, I can't bear the thought that you'll never see the face of your father, or feel the warm touch of your mother. You'll never witness the joy and laughter of your brothers or experience the rich, comforting soil of Family. Flowergirls, hair-brushing, Easter dresses, Daddy-dates, snuggling, secret-telling, joyful tears and heartbreaks.... all these have slipped through my fingers. I had it, and it slipped away so quietly.

I petitioned our Father for a miracle. By now you understand far better than I just how able He truly is. But His will is now known, and I dare not suggest that you are a tragedy.

Baby girl, you are, in every sense of the word, a true success. Our Father, in His infinite wisdom and transcendent knowledge, has worked a miracle. You came to us, as quietly as you slipped away. We rejoiced over you, dreamed over you and prayed over you. And even in the face of uncertainty and heartbreak, He blessed us through you. Every kick, every movement and every ultrasound with you was a joy and a testimony to the nature and wonder of our Father. He used you to test our faith, enrich our love, purify our motives and focus our affection. Baby girl, you have worked more in my heart than perhaps anyone else I know. You have taught Caleb and Jack, at such young ages, to turn to our Father in times of sorrow. You have taught your mother how to faithfully endure. I can't say for all the others that you have touched and inspired around the world.

I thank God for you. I'm a better man because of you. And I love you.

I know now that our Father has called you home. And I could not ask for anything more. You were only a blessing and now you are truly home. I don't know the day or the hour, but I know that I will go to you. Someday. I know I'm working to store up my treasure in Heaven, but right now, I don't much care about that. Right now, I've got a Ruby, and you and I have much to talk about. I love you.
Daddy

LIL RUBIES

2011-10-24T18:32:00.000-07:00

To my sweet and tender husband. May this be a gift for you to treasure. Moments in time to reflect on. I love you and cannot imagine enduring this journey without your hand holding mine. You have been a faithful comfort, father and friend to us and we know this journey for you has been difficult but may we always be able to journey back praising our Father for the pain, sorrow, blessings, honor, joy and transformation that our lil Ruby has given us. May He forever be praised for what He is doing in and through our family. LOVE YOU!

My sweet friend Shannon came in secret to take pictures of me and the boys as a gift to John. My friend Brandy also took some cool pics that I added. Thank you friends for being able to bless my husband with this gift.
I pray its a GEM we can always keep and enjoy:)

Click pause on the song below so you dont have both playing:)

You can also click here to watch it on VIMEO.

A new week

2011-10-22T22:42:00.000-07:00

Sorry that we have been a little distant this week. We have had a lot going on both good and hard.
Monday we got the chance to go to Disneyland! Here is link to our family blog with our trips pictures HARRELLOLOGY
The day after Disneyland was hard. Having such a picture perfect day and then walking into the week with the reality that this season is not giggles, candy, and super fun rides.
That this journey is REALLY REALLY HARD. There have been many tears shed this week, many prayers prayed that God would take this cup, that He would heal our lil girl, that He would change His mind and that this wouldn't be the plan He had for our family. John and I have both just been very very sad the last couple days. The idea of this continuing for a possible 13 more weeks feels exhausting both emotionally and physically.
That we do not know when the Lord will take our sweet Ruby and that we have to choose to trust that His timing is perfect. That we have to take every day one minute at a time and find joy in the little things. This week has been hard....but we Trust

Do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with me righteous rod. Isaiah 41:10

We are still talking to CMH (our hospital) but they hope to get us in for a meeting in the next couple of weeks. She wants to make sure the manager of Labor and Delivery, the head of the Palliative Care, Bereavement, NICU and Pediatricians are all in attendance so that we can get all the answers and plans laid out. I am truly blown away by the hard work and support we are getting form this very sweet social worker at the hospital. She has been such a blessing!

PRAYER ANSWERED!

2011-10-16T19:01:00.001-07:00

We found a new doctor!!
Since Monday I have been on the phone with about three different doctors offices. Faxing off medical release forms and calling our previous doctor to make sure they were sending things out. To be honest it was a bit exhausting and a lil bit lonely. I kept praying for Ruby to hold on until we found a doctor to help us!
I also called CMH to talk to them about our situation and see what they provide for families like us. They were amazing and are planning to have a meeting with us along with the head of the neonatal care, palliative care team and bereavement team!
One door closed on a doctor (he was no longer taking in transfers), one was made for this coming tuesday, the next was the Dr that the pregnancy center up here and in Ventura recommended, a strong believer and huge advocate for them, DR GREEN. We were able to get into to see him Friday afternoon.
We got in and immediately loved his nurse. She gave me her phone number right away, told us how sorry she was for our situation and if we needed anything not hesitate to call them! She also said, "We see miracles all the time here!" She was surprised at how quickly we got in to see them. She said she is not used to seeing this kind of turnover, this quickly. THANKS JESUS!
As we waited for the doctor to come in we studied the pictures on the wall and noticed that he goes on many medical mission trips and blesses others around the world!
He came in and was a breathe of fresh air. He spoke with a gentleness and sadness in his voice. He told us how sorry he was for our diagnosis and that he was here to answer any questions we may have. He claimed he has seen this diagnosis go a thousand different ways and that if he and his wife had this situation they would make the same decision we would. We told him that we believed God has a special plan for her and we know He is capable of any kind of miracle!
He immediately lit up and said "can we take a few steps back? I also believe that God can perform miracles, I have seen it! I am also a believer and support your decision 100%" He was getting a feel for our faith and once he knew we too were believers He got to be himself!
We talked through every case scenario. If my water broke at 3am, if I stopped feeling her one day, if I saw that her heart had stopped and it was after business hours.
He told us he could not promise that he would be the doctor to deliver her but that if we planned the induction (because her heart stopped) he would do everything in his power to make sure he was the one on call.
He recommended we sit down with CMH and get as much info as possible.
I then asked "Ok when do you want to see me again?" He immediately said "When do you want to see me again?? I will see you once a week, twice a week or once a month if you want!" It was so refreshing to hear!
We then ended our apt, with him asking us if he could share with his small group about us so that they could pray! John and I walked away saying "Oh yeah, this is the guy!"
God is in every detail. He has planned all of this for us and brought us to the right man for this job. We are grateful that even through this crazy rough storm God provides umbrellas, rain boots and shelter for our humble little family

SHOWING OFF OUR LITTLE LADY!

2011-10-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

Friday we got the privilege of spending over an hour with Ruby by getting a 3D/4D Ultrasound done!
Another sweet gift from an amazing friend.
Im sure she wouldn't want me to say her name but let's just say her initials are KPlum haha (I love you)
Both our parents were able to live stream it through their computers!
We got an hour long dvd of watching her squirm and wiggle.
4 colored printouts and 10 black and whites!
and a disc of 148 pictures.
Our session was only supposed to be 25 minutes but the tech was so determined to get good shots that she went an hour and 15 minutes with us!!
Thank you My First Peekaboo
Ruby was SUPER active which was fun to watch but hard for the tech to get really good shots of her!
She also loved covering her face with her hands. Out of 148 pics these are the best!
There were certain features I really wanted to see, like her tiny little chin and wondered if she had a cleft palate. It was neat to study her a bit. There are shots where she looks like she has a button nose and then ones where it looks large and in charge! I will cherish these pictures and DVD forever! This experience is one we will never for get.

Ways you can be praying!

2011-10-14T09:20:00.000-07:00

That God continues to use Ruby's story to touch so many lives, that he would continue to Glorify Himself & draw others near to Him.

Pray we find the right doctor for Ruby ( have an apt at 1pm today) That He/She would help us plan for the best hospital experience and walk us through all the uncertainties of this journey.

That we would be able to monitor Ruby properly and know we are getting the best possible care for her.

That we are able to set up a meeting with the hospital and plan for our time there with them.

That as the medical bills continue to come in that God would provide everything we need to pay them quickly and stress free.

That we would enjoy each day we have with her (we get to see her today on a giant screen at a 3D ultrasound)

That our boys would be drawn closer to Jesus as they pray for her daily

That we would be new creations through this experience, transformed and forever changed by this beautiful life.

That Ruby's life would be used in ways we never thought imaginable!!

That with just a word God would touch her chromosomes, mend her broken heart, braid her umbilical cord, release pressure from her brain and HEAL OUR LITTLE GIRL!!

That God would prepare our hearts for what He has in store for our family.

That His name would forever be praised in our HOME!

Doctors and Appointments

2011-10-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

Many of you know that we decided to search out a new doctor for Ruby.
Our last appointment did not go as we had hoped and we decided that we needed to find someone who we could build a better relationship with. We are aware that he is one of the best in situations like this and that he has been a great doctor for most of my friends with both healthy and unhealthy pregnancies but we did not feel he was a good fit for us right now. And to be honest we really came to that office for his midwife:) We hope to find someone who understands and supports our decision (not to say that our previous doctor didn't) and who is willing to take the time to help us plan for the best hospital experience in this kind of situation.
The hardest part has been the faxing of medical forms and setting up apts. We are pursuing 3 new doctors in hopes to sit down and see which one we can best build a relationship with. But two are unwilling to make an apt with us until they see my records, totally understandable. But the time frame between, faxing off a "release" of my records, my doctor signing off on the release, and them faxing it to the new doctors has been four days now and time is not something we have at this point. It feels little scary to be kind of alone in the "medical community" to have no one to call if I don't feel a kick or hear a heartbeat.
I know God is in every detail and already knows the outcome of our attempts to plan so my role right now is to do what I can and then trust He will make it happen, but I still get overwhelmed.
GOOD NEWS! With a special gift of an amazing friend, John and I are able to go get a 4D/3D ultrasound done tomorrow in Ventura! We called them today and they got us in for tomorrow at 4pm. They told us they have done ultrasounds for trisomy babies before and that they would love to help make this a beautiful experience. I am so excited because we can also live stream it to our parents who live out of state! What a blessing!
We cherish every moment with Little Ruby and boy has she been ACTIVE this week! I feel like she is always awake and practicing her break dancing skills even now! Every ultrasound I fall more and more in love, which leads all of this to become harder and harder.
But I praise God for His word and the healing that it brings! I praise Him for the MANY friends and family who have poured out more love on us than I ever thought possible! I praise Him for she is fearfully and wonderfully made, we know that full well!!

Blessed by the many gifts we have been given

2011-10-11T13:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the cards, dinners, notes, comments, emails, songs, phone calls, texts, babysitting, words, and prayers! We have been and continue to be blessed by the outpouring of love for our little Ruby Jean! We truly need it to get through this tough journey and cannot thank you enough for all your love.

Given to us by my amazing "momma" friends in Ventura!

I LOVE IT SOOO MUCH!

They even made two small blankets for Caleb and Jack!

From my very own sweet momma for our anniversary.

We will forever be blessed when we see this image sitting in our home.

A gift from my dear friend Kelly made by the very talented Holly Doden. I havent taken it off!!

A Blessing for Cristin...

2011-10-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

Oh God of all Glory,
Who inclines His ear to the cries of His own,
Who draws near to the broken and enables the crushed in spirit,
hear me now:
Bless the womb that carries this one
so faithfully, so carefully.
Bless the work of her hands and the song of her heart.
Bless the eyes that stand watch and the love that protects.
Bless the mouth that speaks Truth and the faith that brings healing.
Bless the womb that carries this one
so faithfully, so carefully.
Carry her on, Oh God,
and enable her to stand on the heights.
Bless her, Oh God.
Please bless my love.

-John

Eh...

2011-10-10T21:40:00.001-07:00

We fired the doctor today. It's not that he's incompetent or incapable or ugly or anything. We'd just prefer to go through this with a doctor who cares... or who at least asks my wife how she's doing with the loss of her unborn daughter. Maybe a heart is too much to ask for. Maybe... but he's fired.

Baseball and Miracles

2011-10-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you who is in the MLB Championship Series' right now. There's a battle between four teams for the coveting pennet that is being playing out. Each team is desperately trying to beat their opponents and hang on the thin thread of hope that a World Series trophy is within their reach. I love October for the changing season and the epic postseason of Major League Baseball. But I admit right now, that I had to search to find out which teams were currently duking it out in round 2 of postseason action. My unborn daughter has stolen the spotlight of my heart, and nothing else comes close.

Ruby Jean has been surprising us. Her normally spunky, rambunctious and hyper-active nature all but disappeared last Tuesday. She just went silent, leading us to believe the very real reality that the journey of our Ruby was drawing to a close. Cristin and I would find ourselves lying in bed, waiting... like waiting for an earthquake, or holding our breath for thunder. In our preparation, she surprised us with little movements in the womb. It has been almost like she's just tapping on the door to let us know she's still here. Ultrasound after ultrasound have shown that her heart is still slowly going, though weaker, and her Ruby Jean nature is still there, though slower. She's fading. We'll go a day with no movement, assuming the worst, only to have her surprise us in the middle of the night, letting us know she's still here.

All of this led Cristin and I to understand that the time had come to level with the boys. Cristin had a great plan to tell the boys everything (age appropriately), and then to have them do a series of projects for their baby sister, like writing her a letter and drawing her special pictures, telling her about the world and the family that she belongs to. What came out of them was truly special and worth sharing. You can see and read them in this post.

I was touched. Cristin was given a necklace recently... a simple pendant on a gold chain that very plainly read "Ruby Jean". She has worn it around her neck faithfully since it was first given. I don't think she's taken it off. But what I realized last night is that in a very real way, we've all been wearing her around our necks. Everywhere we go there's an air and a feeling of heaviness. Peace is certainly abundant in our hearts and in our home, but there is a very real heaviness in our days. And the boys feel it too.

It's frightening territory, kind of like walking a tightrope. Neither Cristin or myself want to constantly bring her up to the boys or manufacture some emotion in them. But we also feel the need to remind the boys that it's good to talk about her, and to talk about their feelings, and that it's okay to be sad. I think that we have found a good balance, and I'm grateful to walk through this time with such a Godly, lovely and keenly aware woman.

Despite our emotional exhaustion, our spiritual rollercoaster, and our physical marathon, Ruby Jean delights us with every kick, jab and butterfly, no matter how faint it may become. It just lets us know that she is still with us... even if only for a season.

There's a lot of baseball fans praying for a miracle right now. But I don't care. I'm still praying for mine.

My little Fighetr

2011-10-07T13:15:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up and decided to stay in bed awhile. I wanted to wait and see what my little girl might do. She woke up too! I got two GOOD kicks from her and I let out a nice sigh of relief.

Yesterday at 2:30am I told John "I just wanna feel her, but I know that if I do Im gonna have another night/day like this down the road. So should I be ok with her passing tonight? or should I wish it on another evening?" Its not my decision to make and there is so much freedom in that. He knows the day, the hour, the minute and He is allowing us to say our goodbyes today.

I went in the Pregnancy Center this morning. Just me and the boys. The boys played out in the foyer and wandered in when they felt like it but the sweet tech left me alone to explore and stare. Ruby was more active today than yesterday. She is truly keeping us on our toes. I believe I have a strong willed child on my hands. She never wants us to think for one second we got her figured out. Or maybe that's the Lord:)

But her heart was still very faint. At one angle it was hard to tell that it was even pumping. But I got to watch her wiggle and squirm. I would slowly push down with the machine in my stomach and then slowly lighten up just to watch her react. I would take deep breaths in and out to watch her get extra space and then tighten up again. It was so fun! Moments I would never get with a doctor in the room. I even had her at an angle I have never had with her or the boys where I just studied her breathing in and out. To know her lungs are still pumping and practicing. She is still being formed for a world she will never encounter.

I love her more and more every time I see her. But at the same time there is this indescribable contentment with letting the Lord take her when He is ready. I am not angry at Him or bitter (but maybe that'll come later)

John put it in a beautiful perspective for me:

He told me that he and I made Ruby's body. That it took our cells to create the shell of who Ruby is but that the Lord created "RUBY JEAN" the girl, the character, the personality, the spirit, the soul. And because we live in a broken world it makes sense that Ruby's body would be broken. This world is full of sin, brokenness, and sorrow BUT "RUBY JEAN" is perfect! God did not make any mistakes with "RUBY JEAN". So this body may fail her. She may never get the chance to use it to explore this broken world, but the Lord who makes no mistakes will take His RUBY JEAN back to PERFECTION. And that sounds better to me by far!

Thank you all for your prayers, tears, emails, texts, dinners, and love! The Lord truly knows what I need and I need people! I need the fellowship of the body and I am truly grateful that you have answered my prayers. Thank you for not lightening up, or stepping back to give me my time or space. At this point in time, i dont need it! I need family, friends and even strangers! We will keep you all posted as we know more but as for right now we pray God continues to be in EVERY detail as we wait on His perfect plan!

-Cristin

Pray for Ruby

2011-10-06T16:24:00.001-07:00

I was able to get into Life Choice Pregnancy Center in Ojai this morning (cannot say enough great things about them!!) to check on Ruby's status. She still had a heartbeat but it was very very faint. There was almost no movement from her which was shocking after yesterdays ultrasound but it made sense why I haven't felt her. Their machine could not get a good reading of her heart rate because her left and right are pumping off beat from each other. Her heart just looked weaker and she just seemed less like her active spazzy Ruby self.
Both the ultrasound tech and assistant were very tearful and sympathetic towards us which is such a shift from yesterdays ultrasound where I felt a bit like a freak after I said out loud that we would continue with the pregnancy. They told me they would be available every day for me to come in and check on her. Even Saturday and Sunday!!! "This is why we are here" they said.
Oh I love them!
Praying right now for God to touch our sweet girl gently, softly, like a Daddy. That if this is her time to take her she would be held and wrapped in His loving arms and comforted with great peace and comfort.
Please pray for us as this may be one of the hardest weekends of our lives. Pray for the right nurses and doctor to come alongside us, that this experience would be a beautiful, peaceful experience for both John and I. And if Ruby carries on through this weekend that God would time everything just right so as not to distract from Jackson's special day on Wednesday.
-Cristin

Here we go part 2

2011-10-06T04:20:00.000-07:00

Taken Wednesday October 5th 2011

Last night I went to our Wednesday night bible study at church. I wanted to hear from the Lord and be in fellowship with my FBC ladies. Despite the news we had just received I thought it best to go. Sitting through the video I assumed I would have felt Ruby. I was sitting perfectly still and I usually feel her a lot as I hunch over a bit and cram up her space:)

I thought I felt maybe one or two movements but it didnt feel like much. I was fighting a pretty bad headache coming home so I took my "dessert" to bed with me and laid down. Thought if I got a lil sugar and stillness I would get a few kicks. There was nothing. I was worried but thought to myself "Don't just jump straight to that conclusion, she could be sleeping". I eventually fell asleep praying I would get one or two kicks drifting off.

I woke up at about 2:30am for my usual bathroom excursion and went and laid back down. I thought the jostling and movement might startle her a lil and I'd feel her. Still nothing. I laid there awhile, tossing and turning, hoping something might give my lil one a "would you knock it off out there, I am trying to sleep" nudge. Still nothing. I immediately began to pray, asking the Lord that if Ruby is still well He would please give my heart and spirit a rest and let me feel her just once. nothing. minutes went by and my heart sunk. I began to slowly weep, then cry, then ultimately sob so loud I woke up John.

I told him "I think she's is gone". I felt like there was this sudden void, a vacancy, an empty space where there was once life. I cried "I miss her". I wanted to be wrong, I still do. As I type it has been two hours now since I woke up. I'm still waiting for her to just sock me a couple times to let me know she's ok. John prayed, unsure of how to pray, but he did his best. He just held me as I let it all out. I cried out, "this is gonna be so hard!"

I laid there for about an hour planning in my head what we were gonna do today. Call the pregnancy center, to just run in and double check? Call Dr Cole and get in ASAP? Have a friend take the boys for the day? When will they schedule our hospital stay? Please don't let it be on Jacks B-day. I don't want any of this to be shared with Jacks B-day! What about our trip to Disneyland on the 17th? Will I be able to go?

I finally decided it was best for me to just get up and let John rest. It would not be beneficial for us both to be sleep deprived. So as he rests I will research a lil more, plan as much as I can, get on my knees before the throne, cry a lil and wait for the sun to rise. Please pray for us today. That we would continue to be equipped for what lies ahead in the next fews hours, days, weeks and months. This will be a process.

Here we go part 1

2011-10-06T03:43:00.000-07:00

We had our apt yesterday with the specialist. They wanted to have one last ultrasound with us and let the genetic counselor give us as much info as she could.

Ruby was just as active as ever. The ultrasound tech could barely getting a reading on her heart rate cause she just wouldn't sit still. Love that about her! When they finally did, her heart was down to 60. It has been that low before but then within minutes would shoot back up to 140. This time it didn't. The tech as well as the doctor asked us again what our decision was for her and we told them we were moving forward.

I asked him about how many people he sees a year with this, he told me maybe one or two (so basically Corinna and I hit that quota this year:) but that he sees a LOT of women. He has offices here, Thousand Oaks and New York. That this is so rare and that he couldn't give me statistics on how many make it full term verses how many are lost in the womb because most women do not "continue the pregnancy". I told him about my bible study of four women and how two of us have had it this year and he was blown away! He said he'd be happy to see us again but only if that is what our obgyn wanted. But that at this time there was no other reason to make an apt with them.

We then sat down with the genetic counselor who showed us Ruby's results. She immediately told us what the doctor wouldn't. That they do not believe Ruby would be carried to full term do to her heart rate. It wasn't a big shock to hear but I felt it odd that the doctor never said those words to us when we were in the room. Apparently he lets her give the news. We discussed our options of Labor vs D&C (which there was no need for that discussion, we know our decision), about what to expect come the hospital stay etc...

I dont really know how to describe how I was feeling coming out of the apt. I wasn't devastated because I knew that this was an option and John and I were praying that we would be led in one direction or another. Our fear was everything would look the same and we would have to wait another 3 or 4 weeks to check on her progress. So to have at least a path to start heading down felt a lil reassuring. We discussed that we would plan for a still born birth until about week 32 and if everything was the same then we would start to make a birth plan for a live birth.

We picked up the boys (thanks Kristen) then headed to Costco, Target, then up to church for bible study. It felt a lil surreal that our daughter was given a death sentence but how life had to still go on. Errands still needed to be run, responsibilities still had to be met. I know we could've canceled everything, ran home, curled in a ball and wept but at that point we knew ultimately God had the timeline in His hands and this could carry on for awhile if He so desired and that we wanted the boys to know that we were trusting in God's perfect timing.

Captain of the Storm

2011-10-05T08:10:00.000-07:00

Since our last ultrasound on Wednesday at Life Choices Pregnancy Center, I have felt Ruby kick and squirm more than ever. She has been so active and I have become more and more aware of her presence. It has been very sweet.

Monday evening though I had a weird moment. Its hard to describe cause I was half way between being awake and asleep but I found myself waking up to a loud whoosh sound. It sounded like a giant gust of wind had blown through our room but our blinds and curtains were not moving. It lasted about 10 seconds and then complete and utter silence. Now I don't know if I dreamt the sound of the wind and woke up to the silence or if I was truly coherent through any of it, but what initially came to mind was.....she's gone. Like I was hearing the words ringing in my head of "it is finished".

I went about my morning as usual. Ran errands, took jack and a friend to the Library, picked Caleb up from school. I picked up a cup of coffee and headed home to lie down. I wanted to get a lil caffeine in me and then wait to feel her kick and squirm. I had told John about my "night time storm" so I think he was a bit on edge. He kept texting, "have you felt her?"

Once I laid down it was about 1pm and I did get a few good kicks but not as many as I would've hoped, almost as if she was slowing down.

Now I can let things get into my head a bit and I was praying that I wouldn't let this weird noise play into my thoughts or give satan a foothold to play with my doubts and worries but I was worried about her activity. And since we are going into the specialist today I wondered if God was revealing some news to us.

John wondered if it was the moment He decided to heal her, I wonder if He was just reminding me of the storm that He and the disciples faced. That while Jesus slept the disciples were facing a raging storm on the boat. A storm too

big for them!

Jesus Storybook Bible:

But the storm wasn't too big for Jesus. "HELP!" they screamed. "Wake up! Quick Jesus!" Jesus opened his eyes. "rescue us! Save us!" the shrieked. "don't you care?"(of course Jesus cared, and this was the very reason he had come-to rescue them and to save them.)

Jesus stood up and spoke to the storm."Hush!" he said. That's all, And the strangest thing happened...The wind and the waves recognized Jesus' voice. (They had heard it before, of course-it was the same voice that made them, in the very beginning)

.....There was a deep stillness and great quiet all around. Then Jesus turned to His wind-torn friends. "Why were you scared? Did you forget who I am? Did you believe your fears, instead of me?"

Jesus' friends were quiet. As quiet as the wind and the waves. And into their hearts came a different kind of storm. "What kind of man is this?" they asked "Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

May He continue to calm our storms, to quiet our thoughts, to silence our fears, and to just speak "Hush". And may we continue to trust in His goodness, His sovereignty and His perfect plan. That we are His creation. And if only we would be as obedient as the wind. To truly listen to His words and immediately obey them.

Thank you for your prayers and please know we desire every text, email, phone call. Dont think for a minute we don't need you:)

Like my friend Lynette said this weekend we need people around, people to be "Jesus with skin on"!

My Heart is Weak Too

2011-10-02T21:34:00.000-07:00

John, here. Little bit of venting, tonight.

I'm amazed at how rapidly the seasons of my heart continue to change. I have found myself waking up joyful and expectant, and by lunch, feeling dejected and heavy-hearted. I can wrestle with the boys with laughter and joy, and ten minutes later, when they're off to bed, become overwhelmed with loneliness and inadequacy. It's fast, it's sudden and it's relentless. I don't know what emotion to expect just around the corner and as a result, I'm exhausted on the inside.

I spent this weekend down in Carlsbad, being best man in a wedding for one of my favorite people. Cristin was unable to come with me, which was a bit of a let down. But all in all, it was a great time with old friends, new friends and a necessary distraction from it all. Still, in the midst of the joy, the laughter and the late night shenanigans of groomsmen, my heart would sink. Suddenly and without warning.

The flowergirl broke me. She was this beautifully adorable little blonde-haired girl, picture perfect with a personality to boot. And all I could think of was Ruby Jean. Watching her run to her father and watching him hold her with such a joyous and smiling love, all I could think of was Ruby Jean.

And for the first time I felt a new emotion: my heart was embittered.

It frightened me. Is this a path that I need to explore? I can deal with issues like trusting in God's sovereignty, believing in His absolute Goodness and leaning on His Spirit everyday. I can love a God who gives and takes away and worship a God who brings little children home to Him. But this... this frightened me. Do I walk this path for a while or do I avoid it? Can I be so candid and frank as to shake my fist at God? He knows anyway. He saw through my composed demeanor that day. He saw the tears I wanted to shed and my heart as it gripped the reality that Ruby Jean will most likely never be flowergirl, never be a bride, and even worse, never feel my arms wrap her with such a joyous and smiling love. It official and I can't act like it doesn't affect me any longer... I want my girl. I want my baby girl. I want Ruby Jean.

But I guess I'm not alone. One of the reasons I love the Bible so much is that it takes the time to show the weaker side of it's 'heroes'. Moses, David, Jonah, Job, and the list goes on, all shook their fists in protest. However, there is one who sticks out to me time and again: Elijah. 1Kings 19 tells of a compelling and pivotal moment in the prophet Elijah's life, and it shares a mind-shatteringly deep glimpse of God's very heart. Here, Elijah has just been used to purify Israel of the pagan Baal worship that had perverted that generation. Elijah prayed to God, calling down fire from Heaven. Through him, God revealed Himself anew to Israel and showed Himself for who He is.

But then something funny happens. Jezebel, queen of Israel and known Baal worshiper, makes it known that she is now seeking the head of Elijah. So what does the prophet who called down fire do? He runs for his life.

Elijah finds himself in a wilderness... in the desert. And he's ready to die. He's done. His heart is finished and he feels himself a failure. Read it for yourself. But the best part of it all is how God responds to him. God comes to him simply calling his name. "Elijah, Elijah. What are you doing here"? Elijah gives his list of complaints to God and requests to die.

That's when God does the unthinkable. He tells Elijah to hide in a cave and to prepare, because He's about to pass by. Elijah watches the mouth of the cave, heart racing, as fire, earthquake and a rock shattering wind passes by, but God was not in any of it. Read it. Then God whispered, and Elijah covered his face and went to stand at the mouth of the cave.

There's a sense in which I feel like shaking my fist in anger and making plain my complaints and my reasons for knowing the better good. I feel like running out into the desert in order that I could just die (figuratively, of course). But I sense that God's response would be similar to 1Kings 19. "John, John. What are you doing here, John"? That is a beautiful question and a surprising response from God, isn't it? There is love and much grace in that response. There is a Father's heart in that question. It's a conversational question, an invitation for heartfelt discussion. It sheds new light on why God not only instructs us, but commands us to "Cast your cares upon Him, for He cares for you." (1Pet. 5:7).

The strange part of it all is simply this: as I reflect on these truths and see His heart in this light, my embittered spirit simply fades into the brightness. My wants and desires, no matter how passionate or valid, simply do not compare to His Holy Fathering heart. And all I'm left with is simple trust and simple faith. He cares for me and He cares for Ruby Jean. She may never be a flowergirl or a bride, but she will be light, and glory and forever His.

To wrap up. The pregnancy center gave us an incredible opportunity last Wednesday, to simply spend time with Ruby. Cristin and I had the room to ourselves for as long as we wanted, just working the ultrasound machine exploring every detail and every subtle movement of her body. It was fun and fulfilling and heart-breaking all at once. Why did God form her fingernails? Why her legs, if only to kick in the womb? Why give her a mouth at all if she'll never taste food? I simply don't know. And that's okay. She's beautiful and picture perfect in her brokenness. I don't know much, but I know God is Good. And for now, that's enough.

COJO and ZEKE

2011-09-26T08:10:00.000-07:00

We met Joe and Corrina when we first started attending First Baptist Church in Ojai about a year and a half ago. They were engaged at the time and even though we were brand new friends we had the privilege of being invited to their wedding and watching this new chapter in their lives begin. In November of 2010 they announced that they were expecting a babe in July! Everyone was thrilled and we couldn't wait to hear what they were having!
12 weeks into their pregnancy the doctors found something on their ultrasound and realized there was something wrong with their sweet new babe.
They realized that their baby "BOY" had many issues including an omphalocele where his organs were growing outside his body. His brain was also not developing right and the doctors informed them that it was most likely a chromosomal problem and that he was NOT going to make it full term. It was devastating news!! The night they found out they came over to our place for prayer and to just plain talk it out! Words could not be enough to comfort them while enduring such sorrow and embarking on a truly difficult journey . We along with their other friends and family did our best to comfort, encourage, lift and surround them! But there is only so much you can do on the sidelines watching newlyweds endure such a tragedy.
Corinna carried sweet EZEKIEL for 25 weeks till her water broke and they headed to the hospital. When they got there the doctors checked her and said they did not get a pulse form Ezekiel and it seemed as though he had already passed away. She endured the labor pains like a champ. Went through the full experience of delivery as every mother, only knowing she was not going to be able to take her sweet babe home.
After the very quick delivery, PRAISE GOD, I had the privilege of coming in and witnessing all that God was doing with this family. Seeing Corinna's parents, grandparents, siblings, and joe's sister hold and explore Ezekiel's tiny lil body. He was so small but still had all the details of a baby.
I somehow held it together in the hospital room as I studied Joe and Corinna's peace and joy holding their perfect lil baby. Corinna was a proud momma of her lil man. She did not care what he looked like in the eyes of man, he was perfect to her.

The drive home was when I allowed it all to sink in. I was led to worship as I reflected on the fact that the Lord knew the day He was going to take Zeke. He knew that Zeke would never enjoy the shell that God was knitting together in Corinna's womb. That Zeke would never use his lungs, or see this world with his eyes but God still chose to knit him together to bless Joe and Corinna. Joe and Corinna looked forward to holding their baby and God answered that prayer. He gave him everything a baby has including toe nails! TOE NAILS!!!! Down to every detail God was in it. They longed to hold their tiny babies shell in their arms trusting that at that exact time God was truly holding EZEKIEL in His.

God has been prepping John and I for awhile now but this was a living example laid out for us of FAITH, TRUST, HOPE and GLORY!

March 27th 2011
Ezekiel Craig Phillips passed away with Trisomy 18

full circle or maybe just half

2011-09-23T15:53:00.000-07:00

In april of 2010 I had the privilege of going to Uganda with my husband, father, in laws, two dear friends and some beautiful men and women from other churches. We came together to hold a pastor & womens conference. To teach them the Word, to go deeper to be challenged. And I was.
I wrote all about it in my own personal "blog" and shared with 3 different churches coming home all about my journey there. I decided to read it today to reflect on what God was prepping me for and I came across this excerpt. It was my last thoughts coming home. (sorry its a bit long)

I longed for that life. A life solely dependent on the Lord, a life where I can see His hand at work everyday, to watch Him answer the hardest of prayers, to have him provide for every need, heal every sickness. A life of true Faith! A life where flying to Uganda is not the biggest step of faith I ever experience but that everyday would require faith and trust in my God!
I am so grateful that by His grace God chose to take me out of my everyday circumstances, my mundane day to day, my luke warm, mediocre Christian walk and place before me the biblical and scriptural examples of a life lived by FAITH. I felt as though the God of the universe picked me up out of America in the present and placed me into The Word of God. Lives lived in biblical times. People who relate to His word so matter of factly because that is the life they live. It makes sense to them. I witnessed the church of Acts, the people Paul encouraged during the start of the church, the first set of missionaries.

My question now coming home for myself and I ask this of you. How do we as believers in America 2010 live in such a way that our actions, our speech, our very being screams the name of Jesus Christ? Do we cry out to our Father as if we could not finish the day without Him? Do we beg for His presence every morning? Are we so dependent on His spirit working in our lives that we cannot function without Him? And are we actively praising our God for EVERY GOOD THING? Or more so are we actively praising God for every hardship and trial? Or do we even understand what taking up our cross and following him looks like? Are we doing what the word of God asks? Are we caring for the orphans and the widows? Are we giving till it hurts? Are we living a life of Christ like Faith? I know for me I don’t want to waste another day! I want what they are having. I selfishly want to get up and go cause I know their blessings will be far greater then mine!

I’m not sure if God will one day call us to move to Uganda or anywhere outside of America for that matter, so as I wait on His timing and His purpose my prayer will be that God will teach me and show me how to change my culture, how to live differently here in America, how to live a life of faith in an otherwise faithless land, how to not just fit God in where it works but be a living sacrifice holy and pleasing to God!

I have told several friends after coming home that I believed God was prepping me for something BIG. I couldn't put my finger on what it was but He was weeding out my sin, not letting me become comfortable, allowing beautiful women to pour truth into my life, and changing my plans for "His". John and I joked that He was prepping me for a "girl" and needless to say that is true. But I am beginning to see a glimpse of the picture. IT may not be the whole picture, this season may still be a stepping stone but He knew this was coming and He has been prepping me all along! Praise HIM!
-CRISTIN

The word is in....

2011-09-23T10:34:00.001-07:00

Yesterday afternoon I decided to call our specialist and see if their genetic counselor had any results for us from our Amnio. I was able to talk to her right away with the result. Ruby Jean has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18. Trisomy 18 occurs when a baby has three chromosomes in the eighteenth position instead of the normal two. It is also called Edwards syndrome and is the second most common trisomy, after Trisomy 21 (Down syndrome). It occurs in about 1:5000 to 1:8000 births. . Edwards Syndrome is usually fatal, with most of the babies dying before birth and those who do make it to birth typically living only a few days. However, a small number of babies (10%) live at least one year. This type of trisomy is not hereditary.

Receiving the news did not come as a shock to me. At the ultrasound and during our time with the genetic counselor last week, they all seemed to lean in that direction. Most of Ruby's issues all seemed to be "markers" of Trisomy 18. But no one could tell us for sure without amnio results. I think John and I both hoped to stun the doctors a bit and have it come back negative but I wasnt resting everything on that.

We are both in a sort of fog. Neither of us have cried or become angry but I believe neither of us have really let is totally sink in. I have been on a website this morning reading a families story and journey through this, reading their "birth plan" and trying to write down the proper questions for our dr. As well as questions John and I need to answer together.

Dr Cole (our OBGYN) just informed me this morning that he will continue to see me once a month but if we ever wanna come in just to check her heart rate we are welcome. He told me to contact him if I stop feeling fetal movement but there should be no signs of "labor" anytime. That it would probably only be through an ultrasound or fetal check-up that they would know if Ruby has passed.
At this point there is nothing more we can do but create a birth plan for the idea of loosing her in the womb and then delivering or to make a birth plan for going full term, in hopes we may spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or possibly months with her.

We continue to trust that God has her in the palm of His hands. Every detail, every moment. As much as we choose to plan to make our time with Ruby memorable, we know He has it all under control and will bless our experience no matter the outcome!

This website has been a good resource for me so far and if you'd like to learn more about Trisomy 18 and their journey click here or you can try trisomy 18

2011-09-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

We had posted on our family blog about Ruby before we started her her very own blog. Here are the three posts, in case anyone wanted to catch up a lil

He is not afraid of bad news......

where to begin

music that heals

IF YOU WANT HER TO

2011-09-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

IF YOU WANT ME TO, GINNY OWENS

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone (yeah oh oh)

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the sufferin' Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

'Cause when I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Specifics

2011-09-21T22:37:00.000-07:00

Realized that we never really explained what the doctors saw in Ruby's ultrasound:

*Knot in her umbilical cord that is dilated. But it may also be cysts growing in the Umbilical cord, they couldn't tell for sure through the ultrasound.
She only has one vein and artery sustaining her through the UC

*Her heart was diagnosed with an AV Canal. Arteries are not crossed, fetal arrhythmia, a hole in between the 4 chambers, blood is only flowing through one side of her heart.

*The 4th ventricle in her brain is dilated which means she is receiving too much spinal fluid on the brain that is adding pressure.
there are also benign cysts growing in on her brain as well.

*Her head is misshapen, her jaw line is too small and pushed back (micro nathia).

I have been praying for healing through each specific issue. Knowing God can correct, transform, cure, remove, add, untie, cross etc...
He can silence the Doctors! He can transform her with a word.

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29 so that no one may boast before him. 1 cor 1: 27-29

A thought and a prayer

2011-09-21T13:12:00.000-07:00

I know I have stated before that I know our God is our Healer and is Able to Heal our sweet lil girl and I still believe that to be true. But my human reaction is to prep myself for the worst so that Im not to devastated if He says "no". That I wont become angry, bitter or disappointed but that I would leave myself open to being pleasantly surprised if He decides to work a miracle.
But this morning I became convicted. John read to the boys the story of the young girl and the father. The daughter became very sick and there was nothing anyone could do, so the story goes ( Jesus Storybook Bible) "Jesus!" he said, falling at Jesus' feet. "My daughter," he pleaded. "Please-" But he didn't need to beg because, before he'd even finished speaking, Jesus reached out his hand and helped him up." I'll come at once", Jesus said. Jairus' eyes filled with tears. Jesus was coming. It would be alright
So the story goes "Honey," he said, "it's time to get up." And he reached down into death and gently brought the little girl back to life......Jesus was making the sad things come untrue. He was mending God's broken world"
We then asked the boys that when the daddy found out his daughter was ill, what did he do? He went to Jesus. We told them that's what we need to do now, to go before Jesus and ask him to heal our sweet Ruby. That He is the same Jesus then as He is now! We then prayed over her. It was a sweet time just us and the boys, laying hands on my tummy.
Then I decided to work on my "David" study that I'm doing with our women at church. It was day 5 and the story was about David and Goliath. A story of strength & boldness. When David was being discouraged by his brother, as well as the king, that he was not capable of defeating Goliath, David took God's Word over the opinions of others. He then said to King Saul "Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. 37 The LORD who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.”1 sam 17:36-37
THE LIVING GOD! Our God is able to defeat anything!

That no matter what words I may hear from the doctors, specialists, counselors to make us feel helpless and discouraged that I can choose to believe Gods word. Believing the things HE has done and is still doing in the lives of His people. That He is ABLE, ACTIVE and can choose to make Ruby Jean living proof.
It was then that I ran to my room and fell before my God, My Jesus, My Friend. I pleaded with Him to heal my little Ruby Jean. To defy the odds, to silence the critics, to bring others to the saving power of His name, TO DO A MIRACLE!
I can ask! Everyday I Can ask! And until the day comes where He decides to say, "no", I will continue to ask, because I know HE is ABLE!
Dont get me wrong my hopes are not set in one direction, I am still very much aware of the fear and uncertainty that may head our way, but can always plead with my father. He may say "no" here but I know no matter what she will be healed!! He will answer that prayer one way or another.
-Cristin

The Bleak Side of the Hill

2011-09-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

From "Morning & Evening Devotions" by Charles Spurgeon:

Evening, September 18th:
"... Wherever Jesus may lead us, He goes before us. If we know not where we go, we know with Whom we go. With such a companion, who will dread the perils of the road? The journey may be long, but His everlasting arms will carry us to the end...It is true they may not be smooth paths - they may be covered with sharp flinty trials, but they lead to the 'city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker is God'."

I preached this past Sept. 11th on Romans 8:18-25, 'Living in the Hope of Glory'. I vividly remember looking my brothers and sisters in the eye and saying, "As of yet, I haven't ever really experienced suffering". And it's true. My parents are living, they love each other, my sister is thriving with a God-centered home, and we have all, for the most part, been spared any real grief throughout my lifetime. I also remember mentioning the simple truth that if you live for any period of time here on Earth, you will suffer...especially as a follower of Jesus Christ. Little did I know that exactly twenty-four hours later, we would find ourselves lost in the dark, lonely woods of suffering.

I keep reverting back to how I have counseled others, and what I would say to myself now. It's a frantic effort to numb some of the pain and lay hold to some wisdom, even if it's just a finger's grasp. And what I find now, is that nothing is more comforting to me than this simple truth: "He goes before us".

No matter where I find myself, Jesus has been there. He has walked the path before, surveyed the horizon and taken hold of its every detail. In short, He's conquered it. It was the path to Glory, and it wasn't smooth.

I'm restless. I don't sleep well. I wake up anxious and nervous. At some point in the day, my heart gets heavy and I lose concentration at my job. All I can think about is her, and how badly I want her. I want to see her face, tug on the inevitable pigtails, and sing songs with her. I want to be with her. And I want her to know me. I know she won't be perfect, and there will be times that she'll drive me crazy. But I want her. I know what God is doing, I'm just not so sure of the method, of the path sometimes.

But when you look with different eyes, you'll see that Jesus was here too. He suffered much, long before the cross. Yet He submitted Himself wholly to the will of His Father and set out to do His bidding, knowing that glory that awaited Him. He endured opposition, ignorant hearts, false accusations, abandonment, temptations, exhaustion, to name a few, not to mention separation from the Father. He's been here before. And He has given His Holy Spirit to walk with me now.

"With such a companion, who will dread the perils of the road?" I don't know what's coming up around the bend or what hides in this dense, dark forest. I don't know what this phone call is going to say. I don't know what tomorrow or even tonight holds. But I know my Savior and I have decided to follow my Lord. No turning back. Spurgeon finishes with this:

"Let us put full trust in our Leader, since we know that, come prosperity or adversity, sickness or health, popularity or contempt, His purpose shall be worked out, and that purpose shall be pure, unmingled Good to every heir of mercy. We shall find it sweet to go up the bleak side of the hill with Christ; and when the rain and snow blow into our faces, His dear love will make us far more blest than those who sit at home and warm their hands at the world's fire."

Amen. Please do what only You can, and for Your Glory, heal Your baby girl. Whatever Your will, You are good, and I will follow, no turning back. Amen.

- John

Ruby Jean

2011-09-19T20:08:00.000-07:00

"Ruby" - a pink to blood-red colored gemstone, considered one of the four rare and precious gemstones.

"Jean" - 'God is gracious.'

God has been gracious to us. We prayed so hard for a little girl, and God has chosen to literally grace us with little Ruby Jean. Though not in the way we imagined or hoped. This blog will serve as our journal as we walk hand in hand and step for step with our loving and Holy Heavenly Father. The process of creating a Ruby naturally is quite difficult and is fraught with countless trials and adversities. But the result of just the right minerals being 'cooked' with just the right pressure for just the right time, creates something of such value, rarity and beauty, that the eye finds itself captivated and the heart, worshipful. I especially like what is said here about the natural creation of rubies:

"The crystals form as the molten mixture is cooling. The rate at which it cools will determine the clarity and size. When the mixture is allowed to cool over a long period of time, larger rubies are formed. If the mixture cools too quickly, it can limit - or even prevent the formation of rubies."

And so it is with this season of life we have found ourselves in. Neither Cristin or I have any idea what will happen to our baby girl. As I write this now, we are anxiously awaiting a phone call from a specialist, telling us whether we should plan a funeral or a surgery. In the meantime, we're planning for a miracle. I don't know. I can't see tomorrow. I don't know if Ruby will be with us for a week, a month, a year or a lifetime.

But I know my Heavenly Father and I know what He's doing. He's making rubies. The heat burns, the pressure's rising, the timeline is invisible and I pray to Him earnestly that the mixture of our hearts are just right... just right to pull beauty out of the chaos. I pray earnestly that He will bring us beauty in the life of our Ruby Jean. But if His plan is to bring about beauty in some other form, we will choose to trust Him all the way.

Bottom line: God will heal our Ruby Jean...one way or another. He will either provide partial and temporary healing here on Earth, or complete and eternal healing in His Holy presence. We will choose to trust Him all the way. In the meantime, we will revel in her kicks and joyful movements in the womb and make the most of every moment God graces us with. This will be our account of God's actions within the Harrell family, and a celebration of His loving Fathering hand. Welcome, and let's find the rubies.

-- John