Holiday Ramblings and Updates

This will not be an eloquent post by any means, just the randomness in my heart and the updates that some have not yet heard!

1.)The Holidays have hit with full force and we have dove right in.
Christmas parties, cookie/ginger bread house decorating, Christmas light drives through town, crafting, baking, Christmas books each night, parade of lights, wrapping, shopping, Christmas play at church...the list goes on.
I have been asked if the Holidays have been hard and my response is "No". Don't get me wrong, the mourning process isn't easy. Like John just previously posted, we have our days and moments that are incredibly difficult. But the Christmas season doesn't make it harder or more difficult. In fact, I am grateful that we have this "season" to keep our thoughts and lives a little busier and more distracted. I have chosen to remember that if Ruby was good and healthy she wouldn't be here yet anyway. I would just be super uncomfortable and probably a little cranky.
But we do dwell on her. We have tokens of her all over our home. Small things to remind us that she is a part of our family and holds a huge place in our day to day lives. A reminder of what God has and continues to do in our lives.
2.)Since Ruby has passed I have been contacted about 3 different women with Trisomy 18. They have either randomly found my blog or a friend of a friend. God continues to lay it on my heart that this may not be the end of Ruby's journey but only the beginning. That He may have something greater in mind for her journey and that if I listen closely and hold tight to His word that He will lead me to a greater ministry. I don't want to jump ahead of Him, so as I wait I will continue to be on my knees for so many out there who have or will lose their unborn babe.
3.) Since Rubys passing (8 weeks ago) I have also had 7 different friends give birth to healthy baby girls!! 7!!
BUT I PRAISE GOD! As crazy as it sounds there has not been one ounce of bitterness, sadness, anger or mourning through the announcements of these brand new baby girls. I can only chalk that up to a Gracious Father who has equipped me for everything I need during this time. He has given me an eternal perspective and a mind that has allowed me to comprehend that this is HIS perfect will for our lives and His perfect will for theirs.
HE IS GOOD!
4.) We have never been more blessed by the outpouring of friends and family this last month!! Financial help has POURED in and we are awestruck, especially during the holiday season! We can never thank you all enough for your love, prayers, friendship, gifts, and support through this time.
We are super close to paying off ALL of our medical bills!! I can not even begin to tell you how good that feels. The mountain seemed to high to climb but with all of your hands pulling us up we are a few more steps to the very peak.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
5.) We leave for Alabama on Monday and we could not be more excited! With the help of our family, they are flying the 4 of us out to celebrate the Holidays together. A much needed trip for us to get away and enjoy family. And maybe a time for us to get new perspectives, new hopes, new dreams for our future!

6.) Our God is faithful, Good, True to His Word, Kind, Compassionate, the list could go on FOREVER..I just pray I never forget that!

When the LORD brought back the captive ones of Zion,
We were like those who dream.
2 Then our mouth was filled with laughter
And our tongue with joyful shouting;
Then they said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
3 The LORD has done great things for us;
We are glad.

4 Restore our captivity, O LORD,
As the streams in the South.
5 Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.
6 He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed,
Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.

Psalm 126

I Confess...

John here...

I confess that I don't really know what to write about. I guess this is therapy. All I know is that the boys are in bed, Cristin is in bed, and having done the dishes, I'm wide awake and restless...again. Overwhelmingly, I'm scared. I can't quite figure out the reason. I mean, this past Monday was a huge show of support and love from hundreds of faces we recognized and met for the first time. All this week, we have been checking the mail to find bills and gifts and Christmas cards and letters of love and comfort and joy. We even got to celebrate with dear friends at the birth of their little girl as we prepare to celebrate another new birth this week. So much happening, so much love and so much joy. So where is this feeling of fear coming from?

I remember as a preteen, camping with my family at Carpenteria State Beach. I remember it well because that was the time I got acquainted with the Amtrak railway system. I woke up in my tent in the dead of night, reeling and straining to catch my bearings as a midnight train came barreling down the tracks just yards from our campsite. Having never been close to a moving locomotive before and having not known that we were camping so close to the train tracks, the terrible harmony of hardened steel and unstoppable power woke me from my slumber and sent me into a state of confusion and fear.

Funny thing is that what I remember most about that experience wasn't just the rude awakening or the fear and confusion in the midst of the calamity...but the deafening silence after.

I think I have feared this period of grief above all others, even from the beginning. I confess, it feels as though a freight train has come barreling through our home rudely unannounced. It has come and gone, and now all is quiet. I feel it when the boys go days without mentioning it. I feel it when the romance between Cristin and I dissipates literally overnight. I feel it when there are moments when we simply don't have words for one another. We knew the world would keep turning...as it should. But now comes the awful season of continuing, one day at a time. And the 'how' in all of it, is quite murky.

I want to glorify God. I want to boldly lead my family through the fog, up the bleak side of the hill, with all the confidence and wisdom Holy Spirit so lavishly imparts. But I confess, all is quiet. And I confess...I'm scared.

But I guess that's what courage is all about. I guess courage carries the obvious truth that you are scared, but you move anyway. And, as stated in an earlier post, going up the bleak side of the hill may be difficult and scary at times, but take heart. Your Great Companion will not fail. He will not leave you. He will never forsake you. He has walked the hill before, and He knows the way to glory.

I want Ruby so badly. As much as I may try and prove to myself that all is well, in my heart, there are these moments of longing. Listening to the sound of hardened steel and unstoppable power fade away in the distance, I am left in silence. But my Lord, He beckons, calling me to press on. Put one foot in front of the other and walk with Him.

"All the way my Savior leads me / Cheers each winding path I tread / Gives me grace for every trial / Feeds me with the Living Bread"

400 west

Monday night was truly magical. We were beyond blessed when some dear friends of ours, the Morris's, called and told us they were putting on an art show, displaying art & music from locals. A place for them to come and show off their gifts and a place for others to come marvel and shop a little! It was also their annual Christmas party combined. This is their second art show that they have hosted in their awesome home and they want to make sure do donate some of the artists proceeds to a cause every time. This time we were the cause. We were humbled at the turnout especially because 90% of them we had never met before.
They let us have a table to set up Ruby's things along with a donation jar, then had John and I share our story with the group. John even got to play his music!
The night was a nothing short of beautiful. Beautiful people, beautiful work, beautiful weather, beautiful generousity.
John and I were shocked at the gifts that were given to our humble family.
Another nice dent in our hospital bills. PRAISE JESUS!! Along with a new necklace that I will truly treasure and a $100 gift card for a bed and breakfast, icing on the cake!
We cannot thank the Morris's enough along with friends, family and complete strangers that came out that night!!

Good News Bad News

Good News:We had a very successful yard sale this weekend. So many amazing friends donated items to fill our yard. We had a great turn out of shoppers and along with a very generous donor we were able to raise $500!!

So Monday I called all of the Dr offices as well as the hospital. I called to negotiate and see if any of them could work with us in dropping the rate if we paid in full.
Good news: one office took 20% off and I was able to pay that right off
Bad news: The hospital and the other bill could do nothing for us but set up a payment plan, and even then they wanted more then we could give monthly.
Bad news: We are expecting more bills

Good News: We trust in Gods provision and timing and know that this amount of money is a drop in the bucket for Him. We also know that with a Benefit Art Show coming up and hopefully a Clothing Swap in January we may be able to make huge dents in these bills.
Bad News: unfortunately, being "me", I get a bit overwhelmed and sad.
Sad that this may be a monthly reminder for us for possibly several months to possibly several years.
Sad that paying down debt that we have is taking a back seat.
And sad that if we chose to have another baby this is an amount we would most likely have to face again.
It just bums me out but it doesn't make me feel defeated. "Struck down but not Destroyed."

Just another reminder and process that we must endure....AND don't even get me started on the postpartum weight....ugh!!!
Prayer is much appreciated!

I never know whats going to set off the water works

I was scrolling through one of my favorite sites and I came across this image. I was struck by it and my heart began to melt.
Something about not seeing this little girls face but just her sweet brown hair pulled back and her adorable little outfit brought me to tears. I realized that's exactly how I would've dressed Ruby. How I always imagined in my mind what my little girl would look like from the back. I love that I cannot see her face. That I will always wonder what she would've looked like growing up.
People have asked from time to time if we plan on "trying again" or moving forward with adoption. And at this point we really have no idea. We are not quite ready to make any decisions as of yet cause I believe we still really want Ruby. We don't want anyone else to replace her. We want her.
I found my pregnancy journal that I had when I was prego with Jackson. I pulled out a piece of paper that had a list of boy names and girl names. We had, our youth group at the time, vote for their favorite name or they could add names to the bottom. At the top of the girl list was Ruby Jean. We have longed to call our little girl that since before the Lord formed her. We knew if we had a girl that would be her name. And at this point I dont want to come up with any other names for a little girl or boy for that matter. I want RUBY JEAN.
I know that Lord has great plans for our family. I don't have any idea what that might be yet, but we trust in His timing and perfect will for our future. That He would prepare us mentally, emotionally, spiritually for our families next step. That if He desires for us to become pregnant again He will equip us with everything we need and give us the hearts that desire it! That if He desires for us to adopt that He will bless us with overwhelming peace and confirmation to move forward. But we do not want to make plans of our own until we are confirmed. Pray for us. For timing, patience, clarity, confirmation, peace, contentment and trust.